Boundaries are one area in my life that I wish I was better at. I have trouble completely putting myself first, even if it becomes a detriment to myself, especially my mental wellbeing. It dawned on me though that I have set boundaries before. While I had thought I didn’t really have any, I do have boundaries I’ve set up to protect my mental health. The reason I’ve never really thought of them in that light is because I’ve struggled with feeling like a bad person by doing so.
Distraction from bipolar symptoms is something I rely on as a coping skill. In fact, it's pretty much an everyday coping skill for me. Bipolar symptom distraction may sound overly simplistic, and sometimes it is (although, not always), but sometimes the simple things just work.
This is going to be another one of those posts that doesn't have any easy answers. I've realized that many of my mental health issues are ones that don't have simple fixes, and that sometimes, the best I can do is think out loud to at least attempt to get a better understanding of what I need for myself. I hope all who read will allow me the indulgence.
I never really had a hobby, per se. I married young and had three kids. That, plus a full-time job, left little time for me, let alone hobbies. I write—this blog, for instance—and read, but I don't consider either of these hobbies. As a creative outlet, and with the hope that I could channel my thoughts and energy into something that wasn't all about my trauma and residual anxieties, I decided it was time to pursue a hobby.
If you had asked me a year ago to describe someone suffering from depression, I would have given you a generic and straight-up basic answer. My response would have gone something like this: A depressed individual--versus an individual who is currently battling depression--is sad and doesn’t enjoy pleasures that were once joyful. I’ll be honest, my answer is not incorrect, but I can’t seem to shake the hint of judgment in my tone birthed from ignorance towards depression that I had at the time. I would even go as far as to say that I had an unconscious bias towards the illness and mental health issues in general; little did I know, depression, like people, comes in all shapes and sizes.
In a previous blog post, I illustrated how I combat harmful thoughts about food. Now I want to take this a step further and examine how I recalibrate behaviors around eating. These days, I have a healthier relationship with food than I ever thought possible. I attribute much of this transformation to a framework called intuitive eating—and the decision to make a peace treaty with food as part of my eating disorder recovery. 
Verbal abuse can look different to everyone. For example, while some people experience humiliation, others may suffer from gaslighting. Alternatively, some abusers use multiple forms of abuse to control their victims. Unfortunately, my story involves virtually every textbook element of abuse, from verbal assaults to gaslighting and controlling and manipulative behaviors. 
Recently, I came down with a really bad cold, and my schizoaffective disorder and accompanying anxiety made it worse. I honestly thought I would never get well again. Here’s what it was like.
Violent entertainment is nothing new to humankind, but depictions of self-harm in video games can be especially shocking—even more so, perhaps, if you struggle with self-harm yourself. 
Has depression made you feel worthless? If so, you are not alone. You may even believe that you are worthless due to depression. Read on to find out how to fight this.

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So how are things going? Did everyone forget about the wild night at the pub or?? I need an update! Your story is very similar to mine.
I don’t know if I’m ready to tell my story, but I want to get what I can, out. I just moved to a new state and met some new friends. They’re not really my type (I’m active, I don’t drink much, I don’t smoke, I’m outdoorsy and athletic) but this always happens. It’s hard for me to make friends bc I’m socially awkward and I have a lot of mental health stuff. Depression, anxiety, etc…. So I take what I can get and I mirror who they are so that they like me (I always hate myself for that) they’re very nice at least and so that makes it easier. Anyways, my son is best friends with their son, so we got invited to his birthday party at their house. They actually made it a kids party/adult party with Jell-O shots, scotch, vodka mixed drinks and beer. At first, I was smart and said no to the Jell-O shots because I knew better… but they kept on and kept on so I was like ok what the hell. So I took one and we ended up having like 6 shots. Maybe more who knows. I’m tiny, I should’ve never done that. Time goes on and I’m more social and silly but I’m fine. The kids party finally ends at 4 and I decide to sit down and relax and have some beers and talk because I had been helping my friend with her party and I was exhausted, mostly because the night before I only slept 2 hours (couldn’t sleep) when I sat, I probably should’ve eaten and had some water. It was extremely hot and humid, and honestly I should’ve just left right then and there but I hadn’t been out in so long, I haven’t done anything with anyone outside of my family in years. For a second there, I was happy and felt like my old self, when I had friends and fun. But that’s because the shots really hit me and I was drinking beer like it was water bc I was hot. The people on the porch that I was talking to, were not interesting. We had nothing in common, I don’t even know what we were talking about, I guess the music on the Alexa, and our kids? We all have kids. This girl Melissa was there and she was very chatty and I was pretending to be interested in what she was saying but I wasn’t. I’m more of a deep person, and when I’m around like minded people, we don’t have small talk. So I was in a weird headspace having to dumb myself down for a few people I knew weren’t for me. I blacked out. I don’t remember anything after Melissa left. Nothing. I have little flashbacks, but I don’t remember a thing. Apparently I sat outside and talked to some ugly scrawny dude for hours about who knows. He was drinking the worst scotch and literally not my type at alllllllll. He reminded me of an old high school buddy of mine, maybe that’s why I was drawn to him. Everyone there was inside and I guess talking about me. I guess saying I was hot and they wanted to “hit that” but then people said I was married and blah blah. You know how guys can be. I guess they got pissed that the guy I was talking to was making me laugh and smile but I always do that and tbh, even more when I’m drunk. My son was supposed to stay for a sleepover so I guess I realized that it was late and so I just got up and left and drove home. Don’t even know how the night ended. Oh we did go on the big water slide too. So dumb. I should’ve never. Not drunk anyways. Fast forward to the next morning and it’s drama central. Apparently that guy asked about me in their group chat and said he thought something was there between us and they were like “she’s married” and I guess he said he didn’t know that. My friend told me that he was kicked out of the street bike gang thingy they’re in, idk… and My god, so dramatic. I wasn’t feeling it at all. Fast forward. I message the dude on Instagram and he seems fine. He’s like “I knew you were in a relationship. You were loyal and respectful. He’s lucky to have you” very weird. Fast forward to my sons party and I invited them to the party. While she was there, she told me that the guy told them that I said I wasn’t happy in my relationship and THATS why he did what he did (talked to me and followed me around) I don’t think I said that. First of all, I thought he didn’t know I was even in a relationship. Now all of this. Anyways, I told my partner everything. I always do. He didn’t care. But I’m mortified. I’m embarrassed. I feel so much shame and guilt. I had conversations with people and don’t remember ANY OF IT. I told some girl that I thought I was a bad mom??? Why would I say that? Why would I put my kids in danger like that saying stuff that isn’t true. Having strangers worrying or idk. Idk how to feel or what to think. Apparently I told one girl that I thought she was judgmental and that upset her. I have no clue what happened when the adult party really started. I was smoking cigarettes which I never do unless I’m blacked out, and ugh. I hate myself. They all hate me and probably think I’m a flirting lying whore that thinks she’s a bad mother who also calls people names “judgmental” who I don’t even know. It’s so embarrassing, that’s not who I am. I am calm and sweet and playful and fun mom to some awesome kids that are truly my whole life. I am not a flirting cheating dumb bitch. I didn’t cheat, but they all have me feeling like I did by talking to that guy, and I know maybe that’s not my friends intention, but that’s what it feels like. They live up the street and our boys are best friends, and I wish we could just move states lol but we are here forever, so I’ll forever have to live with this embarrassment and awkwardness. I’m afraid that people will always talk about me and always wonder if I’m a bad mom and a cheater. I feel like I embarrassed my partner and my kids, and I don’t know how to stop the thoughts and feelings of dread that I’m having. I just feel so low and alone and depressed. I’m never drinking again. Alcohol ruins lives and friendships. Period. I know my story isn’t as bad as the others, but I can not shake this depression I have from whatever the hell happened. I guess I’ll never really know. I feel like my friend isn’t telling me all the stupid stuff I did bc she wants to protect my feelings because she knows I was drunk and she knows I’m a good person, but idk….. I just feel so alone and like the world hates me.
Agreed. Yes it would be good to know what comes in what order, how long it takes etc.
This makes so much sense now! I have cronic depression and I’ve lived my life being super impulsive, I actually thought it was part of my personality but now that I read this I can make clear connections with depression and impulsiveness . Its something Im trying to deal with now that I am aware of that. Reading this helps a lot, thank you!
$20?? at a bar???? what country are you in?