Find Freedom From the Abusive Cycle

Although unseen in the tumultuous immediate aftermath of The Day I Left Him, justice was served. Nevertheless, in my pain, I felt

• slighted by my son who ran from me
• betrayed by my husband who wouldn't admit the truth
• punished by the judge who gave custody to my abuser
• unable to see where my actions caused him any tragic feelings remotely similar to my own (I wanted him to hurt, and he didn't)

It seemed he'd won. I felt justice wasn't only blind, but also the stupidest philosophical idea ever imagined by mankind.

I was wrong, Justice was mine even then, her soft robes encircling me in a healing cocoon. I didn't see Justice because I wished her to be vengeful, but Justice decided to give me what I needed instead.

No One Can Make the Abuser Change

No one, not even Justice, could give me what I wanted because not one entity in this world or beyond can make an abuser change. Justice, in her blind wisdom, knew this.

Justice didn't bring vengeance to the fight because provoking a controller causes them to want to "win" at any cost. Controllers can act like animals forced to fight to the death; vengeance would have bled me (and our children) dry.

Balancing Between Anger and Peace

In the days after "losing" my children to him, Justice compelled me to take care of myself. There was no one else to tend to, no one else to help. Only me. I was thrown out of my comfort zone and had no other person's emotions to hide behind. Justice forced me to deal with my own.

Day by day, I found balance between anger and peace. I was so angry, yet every night, I went to sleep knowing he wasn't going to bother me tonight. Eventually, I found myself waking with a smile and hope instead of oppressive sadness. I didn't have my children with me like I wanted, yet feeling true peacefulness allowed me to believe there was a better future.

I believed my life would only get better. I believed in myself, and no longer wished he would feel anything. I didn't care what he felt. He was no longer a piece of me. We were separate, and I refused to carry the responsibility for his thoughts or emotions.

Justice prevailed. I was free.

Strength to Move Forward

I was scared, too. I realized that with freedom comes responsibility, and responsibility requires courage.

• I took classes I didn't know if I needed just to get myself out of the house.
• I made connections I didn't know if I would use just in case I needed to move in an unpredictable direction.
• I moved into a house before I had a job (only 3 months rent + deposit) just to get out of his house.
• I took a job despite the low pay just to gain experience somewhere.

My decisions at that time did not forecast where I would be now, but they pushed me in the direction I needed to go. I did what I believed would benefit me in some way at some point, and my results justified my actions.

Freedom From the Abusive Cycle

His abusive words and controlling nature still affected my emotions, but I handled them differently. I was proving to myself how wrong he was about me and how wrong I had been about myself. I am capable, prudent, intuitive, and motivated.

His little nicknames (i.e. "Miss Independent" while taking his money in alimony payments) do not bother me. I am who I am; I dictate my motives, my feelings, and my decisions - I am Miss Independent.

Justice, by refusing to wreak vengeance on him, taught me to feel joy and find peace through my own thoughts and actions.

Happiness underlies freedom, freedom requires responsibility, and meeting those responsibilities produces happiness. That's about as far from the abusive cycle as anyone can get.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need

Indulge in the Rolling Stones song "You Can't Always Get What You Want"