Sibling Rivalry and the Mentally Ill Child

“Mom always liked you best!”

Tommy Smothers made the lament famous; every sibling has likely heard it. But for those with mentally ill siblings—could there be some truth to it?

Bob was supposed to be an only child. I was 29 when he was born, and didn’t foresee anyone taking on both of us within my remaining fertile years. Even after marrying my husband, I was adamant—Bob, with bipolar disorder and ADHD, demanded so much of our time, money and attention, there couldn’t possibly be room for another.

Of course, “life happens when you’re making other plans,” and “Two” was born when Bob was five. I always heard “the second is the opposite of the first,” and my boys are no exception. As difficult as Bob has been, Two has been a dream.

We worried about a second child. Our house is often tumultuous—when manic, Bob’s tantrums can escalate to requiring physical restraint; when depressed, his irritability often leads to anger. Were we wrong to willingly subject Two to that? If things spiraled out of control during Bob’s teen years, would I be willing to sacrifice one child for the sake of the other? The question that continued to surface was: Is it fair?

Indeed, Two won’t have it easy. I recently read this article about the impact of mental illness on well siblings and felt as terrible for Two as I often feel for Bob. Would he end up with his own psychological problems as the product of a crazy house? Would he feel pressured to be the perfect child so as not to further burden his already-overwhelmed parents?

Challenge of Liking A Child Who Is Difficult

Conversely, what about Bob? Where Two, with his happy-go-lucky demeanor and pleasant nature is easy to love, Bob is not. I love Bob, but it’s often very difficult to like him. I try to be conscious of this and not show any favoritism toward either child, but I always worry I might subconsciously do so despite my efforts. A recent episode of the popular t.v. series, Intervention, chronicled a “difficult” firstborn who turned to drug use following the birth of his siblings, noting how happy their mother was to have “normal children.” I watched in horror—was I that mother? Would Bob wind up a heroin addict because I loved his normal brother more?

Still, watching my boys together melts my heart. Yes, Bob has been (for the most part) stable for the better part of Two’s life, and Two is still too young to know much, but it’s unbelievable how completely taken they are with one another. I’m sure it’s probably a tall order, but I hope that carries over to their future years.

Of course I’ll continue to worry—it’s my nature as a parent. But I think my being aware of the possibilities puts them at an advantage. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes, but hopefully none so terrible as to be permanently damaging to either boy. Because I don’t love either of them best—I love them both best.