Sometimes I'm Not So Awesome

December 28, 2010 Angela McClanahan

I'm still working on that post I've been promising--you know, the one where I address my perception of anger and blame being directed primarily at parents when it comes to psychiatric illness. I think about it often--when I'm in the shower in the morning, thinking about my own parents; when I'm checking my email, reading a comment from a reader who believes parents are the root of all evil; when I'm at home, and my adoring firstborn has just reminded me I'm not only an idiot, I'm annoying as all get-out.tired1

It's coming--I swear. But not today, because doggone it, I'm tired.

Parenting A Child with Mental Illness Can Be Tiring

Sometimes, just getting through the day can be exhausting. Bob is back, and we're glad to have him. But he just. Plain. Wears Me Out. My husband is home with the boys this week (being one of the lucky few whose office is closed the last week of the year), and by the time I get home, they're all ready to see me. But Bob is just a little bit needier, a little bit more demanding, a little bit more insistent I pay attention to him.

They converged on me when I got home yesterday--"Hey, Mom, look at this." "Hey, Mom, listen to this." "Hey, Mom, I made this for you." "Hey, Mom, can I do this?" "Hey, Mom, can I have that?" Before I knew what was happening, I was huddled on the sofa in the fetal position covered with a blanket--I think subconsciously trying to become as small as possible so they would lose sight of me and go looking for me.

I love my boys--both of them--and they're a full-time job.
So you'll have to wait (as I know you are) to hear me wax philosophical about anger and blame. It won't be much longer, I promise. And that post will be followed by other "real" posts, like the role of mental illness in sibling rivalry/jealousy (which I am spending much energy dealing with these days).

Don't give up on me yet--just let me lie down for a few minutes.

APA Reference
McClanahan, A. (2010, December 28). Sometimes I'm Not So Awesome, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, June 15 from

Author: Angela McClanahan

December, 30 2010 at 4:51 am

I firmly believe that we all do the best we can given the present circumstances. Sometimes huddled in the fetal position IS the best I can do. I raised my two kids myself, admittedly so I wouldn't have to deal with a "third" child, so you are my hero for accepting the challenge.
As for blaming the parents, I am a parent and am finding out since being diagnosed that maybe I didn't do the best job either. Since we all do the best we can with the tools that we have, I refuse to blame my parents for past discretions because maybe they just didn't have the proper tools. I do, however, hold them responsible for the present and future. My parents refuse to even entertain the idea of my diagnosis, much less their involvement in the development thereof. So, in my humble opinion, the gloves are off. I look forward to your post.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Angela McClanahan
January, 6 2011 at 1:41 pm

Thanks for your comment. I feel the same way. I certainly don't mean to suggest everyone should forgive and forget and wander around all smiles and starshine and flowers like nothing ever happened. I'm more of the mindset "move forward." Anything else is just stagnation.

Holly Gray
December, 28 2010 at 7:40 pm

I love this post. I'm so glad you wrote it. Our situations are different but boy can I relate. Sometimes I just hit a wall and can't do anymore. And it hurts to disappoint people, no matter who they are. I hate feeling like I'm letting anyone down, not just my family. I want to be awesome all the time! But yeah, sometimes I'm just not.
For what it's worth, this is a "real" post to me. I'm not glad you're struggling to catch up but I'm glad that since you are, you shared it. It's validating for me, as someone who's always struggling to catch up. Thank you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Angela McClanahan
December, 29 2010 at 2:58 am

oh, Holly, bless your heart. :) Thanks!
And by the way--we ARE awesome. 98% of the time. At least.

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