Know the Warning Signs of Impending Abuse

In an abusive relationship, it is important for abuse victims to realize the warning signs of impending abuse. We need to know that the relationship is a battleground ready to erupt in controlled violence at any second. You, the targeted victim, can learn to predict when abuse is about to happen if you pay attention to tell-tale signs within yourself and broadcast by your abuser. I can tell you what happened within me before abuse erupted, and my hope is that you will be able to use the examples in my list to recognize and write down your warning signs of impending abuse too.

Internal Warning Signs of Impending Abuse

In general, in the days or hours leading up to a domestic abuse incident, I would feel:

• Edgy and anxious. I found myself yelling at my boys and generally not a pleasant person to be around.
• Unsettled to the point of distraction. I couldn't stick to a project.
• Shaky and jumpy. My hands would shake slightly and my brain shook thoughts about in my head making it difficult to focus. I was easy to scare and jumped at the slightest noise.
• Inadequate. I knew that whatever I was doing wouldn't be up to standards and my mind imagined scenes in which I failed.
• Threatened. I felt like prey who hadn't figured out where the predator was, but I knew it was there, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce.

I lived through years and years of thinking that I suffered from depression and anxiety because of a problematic brain illness that could explain my physical symptoms, thought patterns and paranoid feelings. The anti-depression/anxiety medication helped, but it did nothing to explain to me the truth. The problem wasn't inside of me, it was in my environment. My body and mind were enacting "fight or flight" symptoms in reaction to the hostility in my home. My body was telling me to "get out of here!" but I didn't listen to me.

My Abuser's Behavior Warned of Impending Abuse

Like my internal symptoms, there were things my abuser would do before erupting.

Days or hours before he'd attack, he would:

• Only look at me sideways, never into my face.
• Stop calling me by name.
• Begin to speak, then turn red in the face, saying nothing.

Right before unloading an abusive attack, he would:

• Demand answers to complicated questions and then walk out saying, "I don't have time for this bulls#$t."
• Stare at me full on in my face, right in my eyes or stand in my peripheral and stare at me, saying nothing.
• Slam cabinet doors, bang on the table with his fist, or make some other loud noise and make a vocal noise of frustration that escalated in volume and intensity.
• Yell at our boys about things I felt were trivial.
• Sit forward in his chair, tension on his thighs, face red, and say, "We need to talk." It looked like he was ready to chase me, not to talk.

In the beginning, I told myself that he was frustrated when he acted that way. I knew "frustrated" wasn't the right word, but calling his actions that helped to divert my attention from the likely outcome. His frustration would abruptly end as soon as he evoked the emotion out of me that he wanted. As soon as I was angry and incoherent, he would switch into calm mode and I would feel like a fool for getting so out of control.

He seemed to want me to be angry so he could validate his own feelings of anger by seeing them in my face. I think that he "trained" me not to cry (my innate reaction to the fear and pain he induced) because tears did not mirror his anger - tears showed that I felt differently about the situation than he did, and abusers don't want their victims to be different from them. He didn't want me sad or scared, he wanted me angry.

It Isn't Fair That We Must Be So Aware

It is important for abuse victims to know the warning signs of impending abuse so you can initiate a plan that protects you from it. It isn't fair that victims of abuse must be the ones constantly on guard, ready and waiting for "it" to happen again. It isn't fair that when "it" does happen, we are the ones who must leave the situation in one way or another. The abuser is the dysfunctional catalyst in the hell that has become our home, but we must be the ones to take care of ourselves.

After you make your list of warning signs, please take some time to think about what you can do before and during the abusive incident that is coming. Stop pretending it will never happen again, you know it will, it has repeated itself time and again.

There's a free domestic violence safety plan on my website. I hope you download it (scroll to the bottom of the page for the free version).