Abused Mother’s Day

Happy Mother's Day to mamas, moms, memes, and mommys everywhere! I hope your day is full of appreciation, love, and peace. You deserve to be treated as a queen, not just today, but every day.

But we all know that's not how it happens, don't we? Kids don't understand our sacrifices, husbands tend to forget and sometimes take advantage of our willingness to wait. Mother's tend to be instant gratification machines, and all it takes to activate us is the call, "Mo-o-om! Come see!"

In an abusive relationship, one where dad overestimates his right to power and undermines ours, we moms nevertheless answer the call "Mo-o-om!" even when it's dad that cries it. Maybe he doesn't exactly cry for "Mom", but his demand for attention to whatever he's entrenched in at the moment is priority number one.

Abusive husbands feel entitled to your undivided attention or your obedient silence. They are like spoiled children who haven't been told "no" often enough. Abusive mates have a dual personality: part little scared boy and part huge raging man. We're drawn to the dichotomy like moths to a fire, knowing we'll get burnt eventually but hoping today isn't the day.

When he acts vulnerable and seems complacent, we see the innocence of a child. We think to ourselves,

"This is the man I married. Sometimes he steps outside of himself and behaves horribly, but this sweet boy I see right now is who I love. I will stay because if I give him the love he missed as a boy, then he will come to trust me, just as my own children trust me.

One day, I will celebrate a Mother's Day where he doesn't act jealous or hateful. Sometime soon I won't suffer his punishment for not appreciating the gift he gave me like he thinks I should. One day, he'll see me as the wonderful woman I am. It will take time, just as it will take years before my children can appreciate me. But it will happen."

But what if he never appreciates you? What if he never loves you as you deserve to be loved? What if you've lowered your expectations of him to the point where you feel undeserving of his love?

Has he convinced you that you're nothing yet?

When his rage fires from his mouth and a part of you cowers deep inside wishing you knew how to quench the flame, this is when he is most true to himself. Anger is like alcohol: it never "changes" a person, but only shows what they normally try to hide.

When your abusive mate is contrite and loving, they are putting on an act. The abuser will behave lovingly until they think you are becoming too powerful.

Tell me: when he's loving, do you feel more comfortable asking for what you need? When he's sweet, do you feel more freedom to be yourself?

His (or her) sweet and loving phase is short because as soon as you step slightly outside of the cage he's created for you, he begins to feel threatened. He feels you slipping away from under his thumb, and he begins to become crabby and distant.

You sense the change. You start watching what you say and do. You begin to do the Eggshell Step and you maybe make his favorite foods, or have sex the way he likes it and you don't, or hear yourself yelling at your sweet children for no good reason. The tension builds, and builds, and builds...and then the fire comes.

Some mamas get hit and broken. Some moms suffer embarrassment in front of children and friends. Some memes watch him throw his favorite casserole on the floor. Some mommys suffer sexual abuse. All mothers feel the sting and then the shrinking feeling of becoming less than human when his fire comes.

A sweet child is sweet even when they're sad. A kind person is kind even when they're angry. Only an abusive, control-hungry person uses the disguise of his sorrowful innocent face to mask his true face of anger and hate.

I truly hope that you do not suffer one more Mother's Day pretending to be happy to please an abusive mate. I pray that one day soon your home is peaceful and joyful, free of rage and people who disguise themselves as innocents in order to control you.

I believe that you will find prosperity and strength within your soul that gives you the courage to deal with your abuser in the way that is best for you.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you a wonderful Mother's Day!