Abuse Is a Scary Word No One Wants to Use: When Should You?

When I began my website way back in 2008, I chose the title "Verbal Abuse Journals" because, somehow, the word Verbal seemed to soften up the word Abuse. Back then, to me, "Verbal Abuse" was the name of a band or the type of angering insult one might hear from a stranger on the street. Verbal abuse was almost a joke, a simple case of mama-not-teaching-you-how-to-talk-nice, as far as I was concerned. I felt comfortable using the term verbal abuse to help describe my marriage because it wasn't really abuse. It couldn't be scary abuse--it was just an ugly vocabulary. And people can change their vocabulary.

Verbal Abuse Gets Scary

The book that sparked my knowledge of the types of verbal abuse is well-worn. I filled its margins with notes and highlighted the mean things my husband said as proof to myself that I did experience verbal abuse. I began pointing it out to my husband when he said one of the types of verbal abuse listed in the book. I'd say, "Stop trying to make me feel small. That's verbal abuse", or "Quit insulting me! That's verbal abuse". You see, I thought that if my husband became aware that his words were abusive, then he might simply choose to use nicer ones.

It didn't work. He would mimic me and say "Oh! That hurts! You're abusing me!" in a high-pitched voice with an exaggerated expression of surprise on his face. (Mimicking is also a form of verbal abuse.)

As the situation worsened, I'd hear him say to our boys during rough-housing, "Oh! Ouch! You're abusing me!" in the same girly voice. This, of course, was abusive too because he said without saying, "girls are wussies and your mama-who-is-causing-disruptions is a girl and you boys shouldn't think or act like mama mama or daddy will make fun of you too".

One time after calling him out for his verbal abuse, he charged over to me and sliced his hands through the air on either side of my face while bellowing, "You think that is abuse? Do you want to see what abuse is like? [now pounding his fist into his palm] You've got it so f*^king easy and you don't even appreciate it!" I took two steps back, shaking in my socks, and said, "Intimidating behavior is verbal abuse too!" (Let's not discuss how wise that was at the present time...)

Fortunately, instead of showing me how appreciative I should be, my husband turned around and left me to my quickly-beating heart and wobbly knees. I sat down and, after a few minutes, realized how close "intimidating anger" was to "physical abuse". Intimidating anger like my husband used is body language only. He didn't touch me. I said to myself, "He didn't touch me this time," and then cried because the times he had "touched" me flooded back to mind.

There were two memories that came back right away, but there would have been more if

1. I hadn't suppressed one memory very deeply and
2. if I'd known that physical violence also includes blocking passage ways
3. pulling or pushing someone where you want them to be and
4. holding them down.

Suddenly I realized that verbal abuse is freaking serious stuff. I thought of the fear I felt when his tone changed a certain way, the nervousness that came over me when I heard boots hit the floor in the kitchen, and the sheer panic I felt when seeing "that look" come over his face. Verbal abuse was straight out abuse. My husband abused me. I could not ignore the abuse in my relationship any longer.

All Abuse Is Scary Because It All Hurts--Emotionally and Physically

After that, I began to fill in the blanks between verbal abuse and physical. I suffered emotional abuse, mental abuse, and (a couple of times) sexual abuse. The common factor was fear - my fear of him. There was no easy fix for this mess. My husband could not simply teach himself a kinder, more polite vocabulary. His words were the outward expression of some very ingrained, terrible beliefs he carried within himself. As it turned out, they are ingrained beliefs he is not willing to question or change.

Abuse is a scary word. No one wants to use it to describe their marriage or relationship. It is far easier to admit that we have a "bad relationship" or that "our relationship has problems". I dare say that a "problematic" relationship does not include fear - not even a little bit of it.

Verbal abuse causes fear. It makes you want to fight, flee or freeze and become so small you can't be seen at all. When you can admit to yourself that your relationship is abusive even if there is "only verbal abuse" used so far, then you can move forward and act upon that knowledge. So long as you diminish your feelings of fear or the term verbal abuse as "nothing" you will not find your way to peace.