Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

I just recently left an abusive relationship. He calls my phone block and he sends me messages through an app. Stating that if I come back to live with him I'll never leave. I've blocked every number he contacts me from. I'm afraid to change my number because I feel he will go as far as stalking me to find out my where abouts. He knows nothing about where I live now. But he's popped up at my moms place and we had to threaten to call the cops for him to leave. God and family helped me to leave him and I know God and hopefully the law will help protect me from him. You can leave an abusive partner. Know your worth. Cross the bridges when you get there. You only get one life. Money comes and go, you can find love elsewhere, kids deserve better, and more

This sounds also too familiar to me. I moved countries to be with a man who I did grow very close to, the problems started when he was drunk, he would get very aggressive (with everyone, not always just me) and then one night we came home and he started screaming at me and told me to leave. I spent the night sat on a bench wondering what i'd done. It got into a cycle where things would get better and he'd apologise and we'd get close again and have really good times, but whenever he had a bit of stress, he would abuse alcohol and turn into this monster. He would spend hours screaming at me about how useless I am and how sh*t I am and how my family hate me and using things about my past (I was married, to a cheating user, now divorced), he would say that it was my mistakes that ended my marriage and no one needs someone like me in their life. This would go on and on, then he stopped drinking and for the last three months we had no problem. He runs a restaurant and I work with him and live with him so I don't take a wage, even though its his, not ours, (now I write it I realise how stupid that sounds). I help him look after his two dogs, I shop, clean, cook, while he lives the life of a 20 year old, stays out when he wants, does what he wants etc, (I'm 33, hes 39). If I want to go see a friend, and I only have a few here, he will question why I need to go now, why not another day, then ask me what I did and call me and say to say hi to my friend so he knows that I'm where I say I am. One minute he says we're a couple, and I'm so important to him, the next he tells me i'm nothing but disgusting and I'm only here because he needs me to do all I do for him. Id always put his aggression down to his past, his mum died when he was very young, and he has a child with an ex, but she moved away with the child without telling him so he has no contact anymore, plus numerous other things. But after this last period of us getting on great and growing closer he started to drink a few days ago... he's hurt me physically in the past by throwing things at me or trapping me between the bed and the wall then shoving the bed at me, hes also smashed my glasses off my face which broke them and hes smashed up my laptop and mobile phone. Hes also shoved me to the floor a few times in anger, but this time he had only drank two or three beers, we started to fight at work as I had asked to change the music because people had complained about it (he always listens to techno when he starts to drink, not great for a restaurant atmosphere) and hed got aggro with me over that, then the insults started, he called me into the kitchen to scream at me about how sh*t I was and how I could just leave. Despite knowing when I say I leave it makes him worse, I couldn't help but shout back that I will go then and he can work the whole shop himself. When we closed the evening I asked if I should take a hotel or was I going to be in for a night of sh*t and he kept saying listen when I answer you, I don't answer you again, which made no sense. I should have known, he got in first, and I heard him screaming at that dogs, said that they had destroyed something, which they hadn't. Then he turned on me, screaming again about how he hates me and my family (who are coming to visit next week), they gave him money to help start his business and he is not one bit grateful for it and I ooubt they'll see it again... but anyway he screamed on and on all the usual abuse about how I'm worthless and an awful person, then he said he wasn't even so drunk this time, so I cant blame alcohol, threw me on the floor, so I started trying to get away from him, then he threw his keys at my head with such force they came off the keyring and I had an instant lump on my head, then as I covered my head started punching and kicking me as I lay on the floor crying. He told me to apologise and I said I was sorry and he said for what, tell him for what, I kept saying I was sorry but he kept kicking me. He laughed at how pathetic I looked and then punched me again and kept laughing. Eventually he stopped, and went to sleep on the sofa. I went to bed. When I woke up the next day my whole arm and leg are black and blue, swollen and painful, as well as the lump on my head which is still sore to touch. That was the night before last and he has acted like everything is fine, he hasn't mentioned anything about it, hasn't apologised, hasn't asked why I'm limping or swallowing painkillers, and ive made sure to wear clothes that show the bruises at home so he knows what hes done. I think its time to accept that he doesn't care about me, he only cares about himself and the help he needs from me and anything else is just spin to make me stay with him. So after all of this, why the hell am I finding it so hard to be able to leave? I would have to leave overnight or when hes out because as before, if I have tried to pack my bags and go, he either throws me to the floor or rips my bags open and throws all my stuff around. But I know he is stuck without me, his business would fail and he wouldn't be able to look after the dogs and the shop and have any kind of life also. I also know that this is what he deserves, and when he tells me I deserve to be punched and kicked that that's not true, but why would I feel so guilty for leaving him?

Sounds like my abuser

I'm in a abusive relationship and realizing it now. planning to leave soon I live with him and I'm acting like everything is OK I don't want him to know I'm leaving he says I'm his and I'm not going anywhere im dying on the inside the other night he choked me and punch me in my face it seems like things are getting worse when we argue this time was bad but I guess every time is I was crying and he said when your done come lay down how can a person be so cruel he won't give me any space very over barring he doesn't look at what he did is wrong and that's what scares me I don't have low self esteem I know I deserve better I'm making the decision to leave this abuser and never looking back.

Leaving and get out from abusive is ok. I have one question that are they gonna change their behavior or they will change victim ? When they are going to realize they are wrong?

I personally am in an emotionally abusive relationship and on top of this I struggle with depression....I found this article quite helpful though because for the first time it sounds as though someone who has been where I am is writing it...For all those who have not been through this you cannot and will not understand what this article is truly saying and how much it can help those of us (like me), who don't have the courage to leave...But I am here now saying that this comforted me in ways I haven't known in years...My family abandoned me when I decided to stay but this article is right..I dont have excuses for staying, I have reasons...A five year old who only knows a daddy she loves and admires...A buisness that cannot continue without someone on the side right now pitching in (no matter how little)....I can't leave but one day I will and until then this is the only comfort I have found...Because everyone else gave up on me..Think leaving is an easy choice...Sure, if I wanna lose everything I have spent the past 6years working for..

Thanks for the non support!

I found comfort in reading Psalms 147:3.

Praying for strength

Hey ladies. Im in an abusive relationship too. Disrespects me, threatens that he would kill me, physically hits me, i mesn treats me like dirt. Im isolated and feel alone. He contols me. I only go to work and come back home. Only wants me to be with him. Says i dont need friends and im weak because i need them. The list goes on. Im always lying to people on a regular about my lifestyle and always lying and making uo excuses when people ask me to hang out, etc

I don't know if I'd call my relationship abusive but that's what everyone says I grew up with a lot of anger and overdosed because of it but the man I'm with now I love him deeply and he's loyal but if I wear or say something he doesn't like and a slut and he gets mad a me when he says I don't listen to him and I always have to do what he says, ask permission to go places, and I've had to get rid of friends because a girl with guy friends is a slut he gets mad at me when I cry and it makes situations even worse. I know I'm overly sensitive maybe that's the whole problem. I don't know what to do.

Been married almost 31 years to a man that belittles me often for saying things he didn't want me to
say . Anytime I make any type of a statement he shuts me down and says I'm being negative even if it truly wasn't. I have been with him since I was 13. Ran away with him at 15. Married him by 16. 3 kids by 22 who I adore. He has cheated on me since the beginning of our marriage and still to this day. I don't and can't even confront him anymore .He can instantly turn it around and tell me it's my fault because........or make me out to be stupid or crazy . I need to get out for my own sake but I'm stuck. He becomes a better liar and manipulater every time confronted and has even told me ,what does it matter your never going to leave me anyways. And some how he always becomes the victim. I ended up with breast cancer and he never even skipped a step. He talks like we are in it for ever but sleeps with anybody who will give him the time of day. I want out but I feel stuck do to our finances etc. he has a way of making me feel useless and unworthy of all I am and all I do. One min. I'm everything and the next I'm nothing. It's a lonely emotional roller coaster .

Currently the 1000th confrontation between me and my abusive partner. At this point, I feel pathetic. I feel tired of even telling my friends and relatives and do nothing about it. I guess that's the sad part. When you start feeling like you deserve it. Mine wants me to "shut the f*** up" every time I do something he does not like, even if unintentional. I am not allowed to "talk back" or explain myself. The last time I did, I was pulled and dragged and kicked down my stairs. He says, call me crazy. And I may be f'd up, but that's how it is. "You made me this way after not listening to me these past years." He says the things he thinks are not normal, and I should just leave. it's dark isn't it ladies? Knowing the one person you try to give so much to, feeds off of your guilt and shame. And in the end, I stay. pathethic & scared, I stay.

I'm in a relationship that I am constantly being told I am stupid to know where I stand if not he will put me in my place. How i am the reason why he isn't happy I constantly annoying him everything about me piss him off to leave get out etc. how me dealing with everything he did and do wrong I stood besides him and that no longer mean stuff to him and yet few hours later act like nothing happened. Mind u he have ptsd but I want to leave my stuff is packed it just I feel stuck emotional I'm in massive amount of stress being here. Idk what to do his phone is lease under my name and the internet is as well

I want to leave, but he doesn't let me. He would call people to beg me to stay for him, he will apologize n say it will never happen again. I would pack my things ready to move n leave him but he never let me leave!

Thank you for this article. ....I am trying to get out of an abusive relationship. ....it is so difficult because it's emotional abuse and of course I gave him money which seems to go along with abuse. ...I've been down this road before. ....you think I would get smarter with age but the charm of an abuser is magnetic and difficult to detach from. ...I have distance on my side.....thanks for not making me feel guilty about all of this. ....it would be too much to bare.

I have been told that all my life I've accepted some type of abuse. I've pretty much left one dysfunction for another. At the time you don't know it's even happening. You think you have gotten healthy found the right way. Someone comes along and you are completely open and honest with that person in regards to what you want in life and I a partner. No matter how honest you are doesn't mean others will be. My family relationship was the first dysfunctional relationship in my life. I met my kids father in high school. I graduated pregnant with my son and out on my own. Dealing with being a young mother on my own and my kids father constantly cheating and missing I tried to make my family work. Vowing not to to have my children a product of a broken home. Accept for not realizing the home was already broken . It wasn't until several years of abuse, manipulation, betrayal this was finally realized. Years of thinking I'm bargaining with God on what I will endure just to have a better life for my kids . Wondering why God doesn't hear me . It wasn't until someone said to me how do you know God hasn't answered you maybe it wasn't the answer you wanted. Within a couple of weeks it seem to be my eyes were opening. After a couple more episodes of abuse and going to see a marine graduation was when it hit me. There are people with nothing in their way starting there lives. Taking a pledge for our country, going to fascinating places and starting careers. All my life consist of is working, cleansnig cooking. Someone who is barely there and when they are the air is so thick and tense. I made the choice to leave and this time for good. I don't know what made it different . I attempted man many times and was unsuccessful. This time it felt as though my eyes were open and I could see the pain and abuse and knew it would never get better. After leaving I worked on myself made myself healthier enjoyed my kids more. After only a few months I met someone who I thought had my best interest at hand. I was up front on everything I have been through and what I expected out of a relationship and if he couldn't provide this it was ok but we couldn't date . He said he understood and was not looking for games he wanted to settle down with someone. Unfortunately all these statement , understandings were false. He played games the entire relationship, yet again I was manipulated, cheated on, abused , and brain washed . That perso. Is my husband. Just recently has he admitted to all the things I had questioned him about years ago. I am still his puching bag. If someone makes him mad he takes it out on me . He allows everyone else to walk all over him and I have no lack for errors what so ever. I'm beneath him I. This marriage and wonder frequently what in anything I said when I presented what I wanted I. Someone made him want me? If he hates me as much as he shows why. Can't he just leave?? Just like my kids father I've tried to leave many times unsuccessful. My children are attached to him . They see the rollercoaster in his unstable emotions but still care for him. We share a house . The mortgage is in my name the deed in both. I don't know how to walk away from the home
I tried to build
For my kids . How do I get out of my mortgage without going bankrupt? Divorce lawyers are so expensive and my husband claims everything is all his when I've worked harder than him the entire relationship. He bullies conices, is sneaky, and when thing s are not going his way everyone in the house has to pay. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. Last time I left someone I wasn't married or owned a house. How can I leave this behind without bringing along more financial baggage?

I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite.  He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test.  I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child.  I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children.  Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 2 1/2 years. At first it was great. I didn't know until months later how bad his drinking was. He comes home from work complaining about his job etc. I have listened and tried to support and encourage him in every way. I am unemployed and have been for most of our relationship so I am Dependant on him for financial reasons. He calls me horrible names, accuses me of cheating, has thrown a lamp at me. It came inches from hitting me. Then the next day he acts like nothing has happened. Then the aploogy comes and promises that it wont happen again. I feel I've lost myself trying to make this work, walking on eggshells not knowing what will set him off. I have 3 children that visit on weekends. My oldest daughter who is 14 has witnessed this abuse along with my mother. All I hear is just leave him blah blah blah... I want someone who understands me. My mom is struggling herself in a 1 bedroom and unemployed. I feel stuck, defeated and somehow feel I deserve this somewhat. I've made terrible decisions in the past. I'm twice divorced and left my ex husband because he was also abusive but this is by far the worst situation I've been in. Yet I can't get the courage to leave. I'm deoendant on him financially, I don't get any encouragement or support from him. If I could just find a good job and save $$ I would leave. Problem is I feel so beat down with doeression and anxiety I barely get out of bed most days. I pray to God for strength and wisdom to leave.

Thank u I needed to read this , short but impactful

Hi guys.. my boyfriend verbally, emotionally and physically abuses me. I love him with all my heart but he has extreme rage problems and he thinks everything is my fault and he tends to hurt me. Ofcourse afterwards he cries and apologizes but this happened too many times now. I have no idea what to do... no one knows this and I feel so alone. It's unforgivable.

How do u deal with all the emotional feelings with out crying?

J lin, I grew up abused, first husband abuse, I left. 2nd, I divorced him after 18 years. No sex. No family, all that he'll gets worse. I did leave him, but then as I lost my job I had to return. I'm still being abused. But look, the reality is this. The abuse won't ever end. We get brainwashed. Thinking it's us, oh I can go on..here is truth. Abusive shelters only give a nights stay not much help. If your financially ok. GET OUT. but you need a plan. I know you think he will get better or change 99% do not. Think of that, he hurts the one he loves. Because there is no love. Your his frustrating bag he can whatever to. I made up excuses too. I pray in 5 months I'm gone. Do not waste ur time. Yes he can kill you, or you can spend years trying to figure out what you can't fix. I would rather see you living with yourself and later meet a great man. Don't waste it like me. I am 49 and I have my plan again. This time I am leaving it's my plan. After almost 20 years all I have is clothes and a few pictures. No family is left to help me. Bottom line is simple. This is your life. You have no self worth it you think you deserve it. Make a plan, do not tell him anything. Get a post box for your mail. Open up a checking at another bank. Find a place you want to move to. When you go do it when he is not home, get movers to come after he leaves. Get ur own cell phone. At work inform them hr of your situation and get a restraining order. It's sounds like alot but it's not. You will speak with him but I really would limit it. Get some support group. I can not urge you or anyone to get out and away fast with a plan. The more you stay the odds go up for your death. These men go so far that some have killed their spouses outside court offices. Some mothers where the father sexually abused the child are in other countries running for their lives. He will be nice, rude, insult you, make you feel horrible or sad for him. This is advise, you won't ever change him. Imagine spending 20 with him and all your life is gone, over. Don't be a fool. When he starts if you can go out asap, leave the argument. If he touches you call 911, many men need a wake up call. No one who loves you should hurt you. Iv read so much. Iv understand brainwashed myself and now I am ready but I have no.money waiting on social. I am leaving and never looking back. You know what helped me, I went on a few chat lines I met a few men, they were nice, had manners, I told them about my issues and all of them supported me emotionally. I then saw I had no self worth. Love yourself right now. Get a journal, write down ur important documents to take, what's next the post box etc, start cause it can take a year or years to get out safe. All my love

I have been married for 18 years.He is abusive and has been since his sister was murdered.He refuses help.He maintains he seeks help from his alcoholic buddies.Five years ago his step father attempted to sexually assault me in the front yard.Instead of coming right home from work he goes to the bar. According to the police he was trying to "selI" me .IT has been one thing after another after another.I have sought help from the local domestic shelter,medical community,police,counselors.Due to budget cuts and program deletions I am stuck.Plus trying to find housing with a medium size dog..I own my own home and have lived 35 years here..my first husband died...housing is hard to come by..one lady at the shelter went from one place to another for 5 years dragging her stuff with her until something opened up for her.Another went from a home to an apartment to a room with college students and she is miserable.I cannot go to the shelter 1) no pets 2) they are so backed up with clients they are using pantries,offices,closets, instead of 1 o2 to a space there are 3 to 4.He has treatened if I leave he will burn down the house and all my precious pocessions.He threw a ligh charcoal grill at me so I believe he would.Any thoughts thank you

My wife makes lots of money. I had a pretty good job, but was laid off. Can't find another in my field for a year now because I'm 55. My wife has all the money and all the power. I know many women are with men who emotionally and physically abusive to them. I feel so bad for you. Get out as fast as you can if you're getting hit. I am with a women who insults, ignores, degrades, humiliates, undermines and hurts me regularly. The next day she says I was being a jerk and is my best friend until again, until out of nowhere she turns cruel and horrible to me again. She enjoys it most when she can embarrass or humiliate me in front of my kids or friends. Yes, we men suffer with these people too. I went to therapy, partly because she had me so confused about what was going on. I asked her to go too, so we could go to couples therapy. She won't go because she said "She doesn't need it" The latest thing to torture me is to purposely ignore me with the iPad. I'll think she is listening and then she'll be snickering after 10 minutes because I thought she was listening to me, when she was ignoring me the whole time. I am planning on demanding she go to counseling and we go to couples therapy, but I don't think that will work. I question is would she even care if it were over? She seems to love it when I fail at finding work. I assume because if I am financially solid again, she loses that power over me. So my biggest goal is really financial. I still love her and she uses it to suck me in over and over. Really bad that my kids see these behaviors, mine too, modeled for them as a couple. Any ideas or suggestions are really appreciated.

Hey I'm j I've been with my husband for 4 years he's a really good man and I have been living a expensive and lavish lifestyle. He hits me he makes me feel like crap he is verbally abusive and controlling.Sometimes I wish I could leave but I can't just yesterday he beat me so bad that i passed out. I don't understand why I can't leave I work 2 jobs I always try to improve myself but im just so depressed someone please advise me on what to do next?

Im tired and ready to leave I am in fear for my life and baby life

Because advice you read could get you killed . know what you can get away with and where you can truely go to be safe from him .

My name is Ree. I love my boyfriend. We've dated for over a year now. He's kind. I can tell he cares, i can tell he has strong feelings for me. But his ego ruins it sometimes. He gets abusive. Verbal and physical. I've talked to him about this. It stopped for about 2 to 3 months; but now it started all over again. He just cannot control his anger and the fact that he can't dump his frustration on anyone else he dumps it on me. Cause he knows one thing for sure, that I ain't leaving, which has made his abuses seem very cool and manly. I really love him and don't want to lose him. What do I do? He threatens to leave me sometimes but I know he only says that out of anger. He's a real good man otherwise. No faults, no flaws. Please help?