Fear of Losing Someone You Love
Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.
Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)
In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:
Even Loss is Impermanent
This, too, passes.
Old friends reconnect, forgive. A late mother's adages are remembered. Memories of connection come to our minds. And many of us believe in an afterlife where we will join our loved ones again.
In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.
Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxiety makes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don't belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an "us-them" mentality.
All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don't belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.
Take Action. Reduce Fear
There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.
Fear of Losing Someone You Love
If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.
People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the "relationship" is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)
This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.
Have you been immobilized by the fear of losing someone you love?
Lobozzo, J. (2012, November 28). Fear of Losing Someone You Love, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, March 31 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/11/fear-of-losing-someone-you-love
Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
Ever since I was a little girl (now 28) I would randomly have nightmares of one of my parents dying, one dream of my father who loves his motorcycle sticks out in my mind, I remember waking up screaming for my mom and just balling my eyes out hysterically believing my dream was real. These dreams continued randomly up until this point. I am now a single mom of two and the fear of losing one of my kids, my parents or my brother makes me sick to my stomach. I almost feel like I have premonitions or very vivid thoughts/dreams of something bad happening and I can see myself and my reaction to it all happening. I cannot handle it, I imagine myself in bed not sleeping or eating for days. On the edge of life myself from grief and overwhelming pain. I am also one of those people who will get out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure my children are still breathing. Sometimes it's bearable and I can push the thoughts from my mind, other times they at overwhelming and terrifying. Reading these stories and telling my own has me crying uncontrollably, I'm sad I'm not alone and glad all at the same time. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your ways of coping with these thoughts.
Due to the unexpected loss of my father my senior year in high school I have lived with the anxiety of losing everyone around me. I distanced myself from my father's parents (the best grandparents a kid could ask for) because they had him cremated before anyone could see him and left us without reasoning and closure. Here I am 5 long years later and after losing my mother's father (my other grandfather) I am just finding out my dad's dad has cancer again for the 4th time. My grandparents have been together so long that if one loses their fight.. the other one will shortly after as well. My day to day life and emotions leave me overwhelmed, full of anxiety, hate, and depression and at times I question why people were even put on earth. I have an 8 month old son, who I love dearly and I feel he shouldn't see his mother crying and an emotional mess some days. Some days I can't even get off the couch unless I force myself. I just feel a heavy weight on my shoulders every day because I never know when the next person will leave my life unexpectedly.
But what if i can't tell the person that im afraid to loss that 'i love you'!!?!? what shall i do? i get mad in silly things, sometimes i don't even want to have a conversation . We sat quietly instead. Im tired of this. Meanwhile, even tough this things are happening we still hold hands. I dont know what to do. please help me....
My husband was diagnosed with a tough cancer. He underwent a grueling chemo but has been in remission for 7 months now. He's so brave, so strong. We have been married 45 years. We have a son who has been battling the effects of a benign brain tumor for 26 years now, our only child.
I was so devastated when my husband was diagnosed. He really has been my rock. He has seen me through my tears of our sweet son, my life support episode,a broken leg, a hip replacement and my knee replacement.
He has gone on and said he's not worried at all. He's so sweet and loving to me and helps me so much since I have a hard time walking.
I SO fear losing him. he has a five year prognosis of 67%. I can't even begin to imagine life without him. I am an emotional wreck. I don't sleep well, I have anxiety attacks,depression and cry at the drop of a hat. I am on Meds for anxiety and depression and am looking into counseling. But nothing seems to help I am so scared.
I never used to be afraid of losing a loved one until my brother was found dead from a heroin overdose two years ago. I have tried to accept it and heal and move on and some days I am ok and some days I am definitely not. I was dating a man at the time who played games with my head, cared about me one minute and broke up with me the next. I was a mess and was on antidepressants for a year and a half. After my brother died, I realized what was truly important in life and I left this man for good.
I have been with my incredible boyfriend for a year now. He is caring and supportive and doesn't play games or hurt me in any way. He makes my bad days good and my good days better. In turn, I am insecure and riddled with anxiety over losing him. I don't want to push him away but I don't know how to help myself. Besides my brother being gone, my life is very good and I should be very happy but sometimes I am so depressed I can't get out of bed. I hate being so insecure and pathetic.
I am going through a tough time emotionally... Am just trying to reach out and just let it out of me. I lost someone I loved recently, he told me he doesn't love me anymore and thinks of me a friend. My life is going to change sooner than later, as I'll be getting married to some other guy, I am worried about my parents they are getting older and I worry about loosing them all the time. I think of my ex and all the promises we made and then it ended forever just like this. This instability of life scares me. Please help me to let go things which are not in my control. I also want to know if at all we do have some control over anything... How can we cause less pain to people we love and no get hurt in process ourselves...it is all so depressing... It seems like life has no silver lining... Its debilitating even sometimes... Having to readjust all my life plans again and again to suit the ground reality...
As men tend to measure themselves by status and income, which in the western world are very closely linked, it follows that fear of losing one, initiates fear of losing the other. In the past, this fear has paralysed me to the point whereby I have knowingly allowed myself to be bullied, coerced and manipulated by weaker and less able business associates and by people whom I mistakenly perceived as superior. The irony is, that by behaving in this manner, I was creating the very losing environment I was seeking to avoid. It was a path of self-destruction. And it very nearly cost be my business, my home, and my marriage. It wasn't until I had my back to the wall, and I seemingly had nothing to the lose, that I came out fighting and proved my worth. And there lies the rub. For self-worth, and self-esteem, are emotive behavioural patterns that are learned and adopted at an early stage in our lives. If a child is brought-up on a demotivating diet of blame and constant criticism, instead of loving support and encouragement, the fear of loss is that much greater. For without foundation of a confident positive-self, any loss, whether it be of status or of a financial nature, will impact much harder - to the point where self-worth is totally stripped away. A way of preventing this from happening, is to detach ourselves as much as possible from traditional stereotyping and media-driven self-worth mechanisms, and instead place our faith in the Universe, our family, and importantly, in our in-built moral code. Because, the loss of our human potential through fear of loss, is the greatest loss of all.
I have been through a lot of things in my life, I have seen and faced hell lot of problems that made me strong, strong so much that nothing mattered to me anymore, I was like without emotions, there was absolutely nothing which could scare me or hurt me. I was this strong. But then she happened. I fell in love with my school mate whom I met in my final year of graduation. she just made me alive again. its been three years that we have been together. She is just perfect. And yes I am afraid. I am 25 now and I have realised that she is everything to me. I have never been loved this much. I just needed to share it with someone. And I cannot share it on fb or my watsapp. So I am Sharing it here. I guess Sometimes we just need strangers to share our feelings.
since i 'm 15 now i m 21 after losing my grand father i always get a thought that my parents will die tonight.... after their death what will i do?? i can' t live without them.... i don't wanna lose them... when my parents go out i always have a thought of bad news will come or a accident call will come... i can't my brain out from this thought.... what should i do?? plzz plzz plzz reply me on my e mail id... if i have a mental problem or anything else i don't know... plzz reply me...
Seeing a therapist or psychiatrist is the only true way of diagnosing mental disorders. Do know that you are not alone. Grief can be all-encompassing and can affect many areas of your life, including creating a fear that other important people in your life will die. Your age when your grandfather died is an important piece of the puzzle of what's going on. Adolescence is a hard time to experience a significant loss (any time of life is difficult for this, of course, but the developmental stage of adolescence makes teens especially vulnerable). Working with a therapist could help you process this. Know, too, that there is nothing "wrong" with you. Complicated mourning and all of its effects is something that can be processed, worked through, and overcome.
I fear losing my best friend. He and I are so close that we'd be partners if we had an attraction. I feel as though the suggestion of spending time with him is good but I do smother. He's told me that he's not going anywhere ever and that he loves me very dearly. Lately he's been having a bad time. He broke up with an abusive partner who he still lives with and has taken to unhealthy behavior to handle the break up as well as other things in his life that are not going well now.
I don't want to push him away but I worry that he'll go away or something bad will happen to him. Even as I type this I realize how irrational my fear is as he literally couldn't be more clear about how he feels but he's also vocal about feeling smothered too. I try but I fear when I love someone or feel so loved and understood that I self sabotage. I don't want to push him away and sometimes when I'm worried about this or anything I find my life goes on hold to the distraction of the worry.
I've never had anyone care for me so much and vice versa. I've never had this helpless feeling of him dying or going away. It's so disruptive. In all other ways such as how we treat each other our relationship is the healthiest I've ever had. In the one area where I'm prone to worry its unhealthy. I just want to work on whatever it is in me that worries so much and as I said I worry about everything this way. When I care I care way too Much. Any suggestions on how to just enjoy my friends and the good things in my life rather than worrying about the loss. I know why I worry (childhood disappointment and abuse) but I'm tired of it and it can't be good for my poor closest friends who I incessantly worry about. I know because I've been told. Thanks for listening. I feel so foolish and am also very hard on myself for the unhealthy thoughts. Any advice would be welcome.
I also suffer from anxiety. I haven't really spoken to anyone about this because i know im being irrational and that most people dont think the way i do and im worried im crazy.
I am 21 now, living with my partner. As a child i had a really rough upbringing, my father isnt really interested in me at all and hasnt been since i was born and he left my mother to raise a child with another woman. My mother and extended family were great for the first ten years of my life but when i was 10 my mother met a man and began dating him. He was really terrible to me and unfortunately i lived with them for years and years. He was very physically and emotionally abusive and my mother stood by and let it happen for fear of losing her boyfriend. I lived with them for the majority of my life from age 10 to 17. I was in a very bad place and he cut us off from all family and relatives and anyone else i could turn to. Relatives knew what was happening but really couldnt help. His influence really changed my mother and i had no one and absolutely nothing. I was not allowed contact with anyone outside of school hours and then had to get a job after school to pay them the money to help the family because my mum had other young children to look after and he didnt want to get a job. Soon they told me i couldnt go to school and do my HSC and i should work instead and forced me to leave. It was soon after i got my licence and i snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and did my HSC staying at my fathers house for a year and a half. I left home immediately after i finished school to go to university with my partner of 4 years who i absolutely adore. Sorry for the long winded story but basically now i am so happy on my own and since i found my partner that i am so scared of losing her! I genuinely feel like im not allowed to be happy after everything and because im so completely in love and in a great relationship and great situation i feel like its going to be taken from me at any minute. Im so scared of her dying or something terrible happening to her ALL the time that sometimes it stops me from wanting to go out anywhere with her for fear of someone attacking her or something ridiculous. I do go out because i dont want this to affect her life but inside the fear is enormous!
Once again sorry for the long winded story but it is nice to get off my chest and see that other people have similar issues.
Never apologize for your story or expressing yourself! As you have seen, so many people share here (that's one of the things HealthyPlace is for) because it does feel good to "talk" and to see others' experiences. When someone finds love after the type of experiences you had growing up, it's natural to fear losing it. Seeing a therapist (on your own and/or with your partner) can help you sort things out and develop some tools to deal with the anxiety of losing love. And reading articles and comments like you're doing can possibly give you some ideas, too. You don't have to live with the restriction of this fear forever.
Hello, not really sure if i am asking/telling this to the right person/place.
I recently bought a house and moved in with my fiance who I have been engaged to for a year and a half and started dating him nearly years ago when I was 18. This should be the happiest time of my life but I am so miserable and scared about everything.
I haven't stopped thinking about losing my parents and dying myself since I moved out of their house. I am literally so scared about losing them as they are only getting older and they are not in bad health but they can't do the things they use to and they are forgetting things.
All this is also making me doubt my life choices like my career and if I really want to be with my fiance. I keep dreaming about this other life I could have but it is so unrealistic. And everything is always blown apart by my constant fear of losing my parents.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated because I feel like my life is never going to get back to normal, I never use to worry about any of this stuff. I moved into my new house in January and I have been plagued ever since, I have been to the doctors and I am on a waiting list to see a councillor but I have been waiting for months. I need some help now before I waste my life away worrying about all the bad things that could happen. On a daily basis all I think about is that worst outcome of whatever I am doing at the time and terrify myself, I can't go on like this is so scary and I feel so sad all the time.
Anxiety such as what you describe is not uncommon. Being able to talk to a professional about what you're dealing with will be very helpful. It's good that you are on a waiting list for a counselor, but it would be very frustrating to wait so long. Perhaps there are other counselors in your area that have openings sooner. If not, stay on the waiting list because you will get in in time. In the meantime, you might want to look up adjustment disorders (just Google "adjustment disorders;" you'll see a whole list of reputable sites with helpful information. I just looked. :) You can also search adjustment disorders with anxiety.) You have undergone major changes. All change, whether positive or negative, involves adjustment, and that adjustment can wreak havoc on wellbeing. This might give you some insight as you wait to see a counselor.
I am not afraid of dying. That is just reality. I'm afraid of being found dead. Maybe even dying embassingly, with my mouth open.
More so that it is 1 of my 4 kids that find me. Not that it would be ess embaressily if it my hubby
Your fear is not uncommon. In fact, the majority of people do have some sort of fear around an aspect of death and dying. Fears are a normal part of being human. It is when they become disruptive to one's life, consuming thoughts, stopping or changing activities, and affecting relationships that fears become problematic. When fear reaches this level, it's often helpful to see a counselor. Together, you can address the issue and discover ways to minimize the fear so it isn't disruptive to your life.
OK. I'll start in this way.. i don't really know what to do [comment modified by editor]... I had a girlfriend for 3 years and we just broke up when she move in Hawaii . the last time a talk to her . the exact words came out to her mouth was . MERVIN I LOVE YOU AS MY FRIEND NOT AS MY BOYFRIEND . AFTER 3yrs that we spent together .. this is what I gonna get . is she really mean it or she just need space. I want her so much and I don't know what to doo. BTW she on heroin drugs and trying to get sober since may 1st . I'm loosing hope anymore and we don't have any communication anymore ;( please help me ..
When faced with hopelessness and suicidal thoughts, it is very important to reach out. There are resources that assist people in situations such as yours. Two numbers are 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK) - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) - National Hopeline Network -- www.hopeline.com/
I strongly urge you to use these very helpful resources.
This post did nothing to make me feel better
"Fear of Losing Someone You Love" good topic for discussion and I really have some time this felling in the matter of my grlfriend. We have in relationship from last 6 years (she is my schoolhood friend) but now I think what happen if I lose her. Its great fear.....
Diagnosed with kidney failure caused me to develop panic attacks. The most fear that I have is losing my only parent, my mother. During this hard time I've also lost many friends. Some parted ways and some passed away. After finding this website I would just like to say it gave me a sense of relief. I don't think I'm quite fixed but It should help me sleep tonight... Thanks!
Welcome to HealthyPlace! While nothing is a quick fix, hopefully you will find many insightful posts (both the articles themselves and people's comments and interactions) to help you sleep at night and not just live through the days but thrive.
Thank you for this. I started with a fear of loss after my grandfather died and my father abandoned me in quick succession. I became so clingy towards my mother I would not even leave her lap at school discos, and slept in her bed every night.
Now I have transferred this on to relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend. My ex girlfriend was addicted to drugs and unreliable, as a result I would often panic when she went out on a late one with her friends in case she relapsed and I wouldn't see her again...she then broke up with me. Now I'm in an amazing relationship but I still can't help projecting these fears onto my current partner. Add to that insecurity from years of bullying and I really don't know how to get past this. This article certainly gave me food for thought however. Thank you.
This article really called out to me. Lately I have been riddled with fear and anxiety over losing the man I am with. About 3 months ago I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of almost 6 years. This relationship was full of heartache and difficulties and I ended up leaving him due to my love for him diminishing, my parents not liking him and differences in faith. Just a month ago I met the man of my dreams. He is literally everything I could have asked for and more - patient, considerate, faithful, loving, mature, spontaneous, silly and wants our relationship for the long-haul. He told me that he loved me 2 weeks into the relationship and I feel the same way about him. I had the feeling that he was "the one". Although there is still pain associated with my last relationship, I feel like he is the man I am meant to be with and I am scared to death. I am scared that I may have rushed into a relationship without taking time for myself. I am also scared of losing my boyfriend because I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I have never felt this rush of emotions in my life. I was hoping to take it slow with my new boyfriend, but my emotions for him and his emotions for me are very strong and I have never been happier with anyone in my life. Maybe I am over-thinking things, but I don't want this relationship to ever end and it scares me so much. Finally I met a man who is so similar to me and shares my same passions, goals and future-family dreams. I am scared because I want him to be the real deal and don't ever want my emotions for him to fade.
I feel it's quite important to acknowledge the fear of losing someone you love. Acknowledging and then taking some action will certainly help to reduce the fear to some extent.
Thanks for your insights!
This is not descriptive or helpful at all. What?!
Everything in this describes me. I hate it, because I feel like each time I do start to think things will get better they just get a lot worse. My biggest fear is losing my mom, dad, brother, dogs, and others I love. It's like I wouldn't care if I died but just the thought of them dying makes me feel like I couldn't handle it. I'm 17 going on 18 and 3 out of 4 of my dogs that have been there my whole entire life are dying :'( Gizmo and Biscuit have always been there for me when nobody else was cuz they were busy dealing with my older brother. I don't think I can ever get over this fear :'(
I've a relationship with someone from a while and we are in love with each other, but it's a long distance relationship as we are now in different countries. so there is a limited ways of communication, One of his very closed friends passed away, and since that he is in a bad mood and depression. and thinking of losing me all the time and he even thinking of leaving me in order not to get attached to me more and he may lose me too one day. How can i deal with him to try to remove that fear?
This is so interesting and weird. I had also chosen the same topic 'fear of losing someone you love' for a post on my blog. I am yet to absorb the insights you have shared on the topic.
Anyways, thanks Jodi. Your article has a deep meaning to it.
I have had a huge fear of losing those I love for about as long as I can remember.
From childhood I was often in tears over the fear of losing my parents. I quit dance lessons because I couldn't handle the anxiety of waiting for my mum to pick me up, I was so afraid that she would get into an accident on her way.
As I grew losing partners became the biggest fear and now that I have children, naturally, losing them is my biggest fear, and it is at times debilitating and can sometimes interfere with my decision making. I am afraid to let them go somewhere without me. But I usually let them, because I don't want the fear to rule my life, although sometimes it is very hard.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it other than just accept it, and continue to not let it take over too much. Most of the time I do trust the universe but I am also afraid of that trust sometimes. The love that I feel for my children is just so deep and so overwhelming and having them by my side is the most natural and joyful thing in the world. To lose my children would be the worst possible thing that could happen in my life, so the fear seems justified but it is so strong that it makes me feel physically ill and tearful especially when they leave my side. I guess for us anxious folk the best thing is just to carry on, and pour love into the people we fear losing because that's one of the only things we can control in life.
I lost someone that I love she was every think to me she was my big fat sister and she past away and I am alone and empty and so sad and I go and sometime lock my self in the bedroom and cry I still love her so so so much we will always love you in our life......love from your little sister
I am 67 and my fear of losing those I love came on when my mother died. Suddenly the next one is me. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful best friend. I love them both probably too much. I am scared my friend will die - she is a lot older than me, but we are like sisters. When we are all together I am fine, but as soon as we are apart I am scared something will happen to her, or I'm scared something will happen to my husband. It's not totally irrational as we are all getting older. Most people see me as a confident person, but inside I'm like jelly.
I lost my Grandma suddenly nearly 40 years ago. I was not with her. I suffered panic attacks afterwards thinking I would lose someone else if I turned my back. A psychologist told me it is a normal reaction to this kind of loss. I am no different today. The experience changed me as a person. So you are not alone. Like you, people see me as confident, but inside I am fearful and anxious.I feel if I am away from my family for very long, one of them will disappear also. I could not cope if it happened again. Bless you.
I started having bad anxiety at age 25, it usually comes about every time there is a big change which isn't unusual. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years with one break up period of 6 months. During that time I was riddled with anxiety and depression. Two months ago his younger brother died in an accident and since then he does not communicate with me and has pulled away. I understand it I do and I'm just being there for him in any way that I can but when I don't speak with him for what is sometimes days I am crippled with anxiety and fear that he is going to leave. I love this person very very much but the guessing game is slowly destroying me.
I'm feel my fear of being left is completely rational , my mother was murdered by my father when I was 1 , I was raised by my paternal grandparents whilst my father served 14 years in prison , we visited him in prison regularly until he was released when he then came home to us ,he stayed with us only for a short time until he met a woman and moved out and didn't then have any contact with me , this was his doing not mine , my gran who raised me then died suddenly when I was 19 , this made my feeling of everyone I love will leave me a lot worse , since then I have feared those closest to me are going to leave one day and I feel I have barriers up and not sure I do love properly
It helped me ....I am feeling helped by someone ,thank you soooo much
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. ~Gabe
Thank you so much for this!! I went searching for how to overcome fear of losing another loved one and ran across your article. I like your perspective and by just by reading it, I already feel that much better and are more at ease. I also appreciate some of the other comments as well. All have helped me Thank you:)
When I was nine I met a girl at a mountain resort and we loved each other. A week later she left and we had not exchanged any contact details. 6 years later it still hearts a lot more than most people can emagine physically and mentally. I now have Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love and the fear of losing someone.
I have been fearing the loss of a loved one for quite some time now. It began when a family I know lost their son suddenly. I began to fear the pain that comes with loosing someone I love. It tends to be one specific person that I fear of loosing the most, and I've noticed the person changes as time goes on. Reading your post gave me hope. I have been feeling like I am alone in this fear which has made it worst. I believe God led me to your post. I have been feeling weary in praying for freedom from fear, but your post has given me hope and a want to persevere in my prayer.
Thank you so much for your wisdom.
Jodi is no longer writing for HealthyPlace so is unable to respond to comments. I'm sure she would be very happy to know that her post was helpful. She is wise, and what she wrote is true. I'm glad that you know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Loss is difficult to deal with. Do persevere!
Im an early teen, I have fears of my future like loosing my mom or loosing my wife, every night I can't sleep thinking about this i worry deeply. I really don't know what to do, sometimes that I can't wake up I get in trouble and it makes me feel worthless like if I am worthless, I can't stop thinking about this can anyone help?
Hello Teen J,
Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she's unable to respond to comments. I'm Tanya, one of the current writers of the column. I'm glad you found this topic, and I hope the article as well as other comments will be helpful to you. One very important thing to realize is that you are not worthless. Having difficulties or struggling with something that feels overwhelming has nothing to do with your worth as a person! If that were the case, no one would be worth anything. We all have value, including you, and that value isn't dependent upon our lives going smoothly. Sometimes it's helpful to write out your fears. When you see them on paper, you can take a step back from them, and you can start to analyze them and pick them apart. You can list things that could happen other than what you are worried about. Also, it's sometimes very helpful to talk about your fears with a counselor/therapist. He/she can help you understand your thoughts and work through them. It is possible to overcome anxieties like this.
With something this powerful, it's normal for emotions to swing back and forth. Pay attention both to his behavior and where your emotions tend to hover more. As you become aware of yourself and of his behavior, things might become more clear. It's not easy to be where you are, and I wish you strength as you move through this.
I met a man 4 years ago. We became very very good friends, but there was always something more between us and we both knew it and so did everyone else. We finally started dating a year ago. I could not be more in love, and was too. I became so afraid of losing him that I tried to control him. He is a very independent man. I would try to control him in ways so that he would not be able to find a reason to leave me. We were extremely happy despite my problems. Everyone expected us to get engaged soon and so did i. But my fear consumed me and has turned him bitter towards me. He says he still loves me but if afraid that we cannot be happy. In all reality all of our problems are rooted with my fear of losing him. In me doing this, I think I have lost him. We got in an argument (which was a silly one but his anger towards me because of the way I acted made it escalade) I am afraid I pushed him to the breaking point. I explained my fear and how it is the root of our problems and asked for a change to fix my problems. I know he loves me, he shows me, I see it, I feel it and he tells me. I just was so concerned with not losing him I did not have trust in it. I have asked to have a change to fix myself, he said he is not sure. I am giving him time to think about it. Since my fear has already gotten me to this point, how do I show him (without interfering with his time alone to think) that I will change, and I see my faults and how important he is to me. How can I fix what I have already done. I know he still loves me he is just afraid this characteristic will make us have continuous problems. I feel so helpless and like I have ruined what I have dreamed of since I met him.
Fear is very strong and very real and can cause us to do things we otherwise wouldn't. While none of us can ever change what is in the past (I think everyone, myself included, has things in their past that they'd like to undo!) we can focus on what is going on now and what lies ahead. What would you like your relationship to be like? Once you really know what that would look like, you can begin taking steps to achieve it. Do you think that he and you would be willing to see a couples counselor? Such counselors (also called marriage and family therapists) can help couples learn how to interact and communicate, and they can help work on the fear of losing someone you love. I hope that your relationship moves forward the way you want it to.
Thank you for the reply. I do not think he would. Its not become a back and forth emotional battle for me. today, I am angry and do not see why he needs time to think about if he wants the relationship or not.