Borderline Personality Disorder and the "I Let It Happen" Myth

It's a myth as old as trauma--"I let it happen." It's easy to believe it and blame ourselves for the trauma that led to our symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). But it's a myth that can be very destructive, and we need to realize that.

It must be my fault

One co-occurring myth is "It must be my fault." Simply put, this myth teaches us that the trauma was our fault.

That's not true. No one voluntarily chooses to be a victim. A victim is someone powerless to prevent a traumatic event.

I see this often in child abuse survivors or sexual assault survivors. The child abuse survivor may believe he or she is bad, and that's why the abuse happened. The sexual assault survivor may believe one of many of society's myths about it being the victim's fault. But in both scenarios, a more powerful person took advantage of a less-powerful person. The fault lies squarely on the perpetrator, not the victim.

It is understandable to have some self-blame; we don't want to admit we were powerless, nor do we want to believe bad things happen to good people. Sadly, those are facts of life--we are not always in control.

We may argue with some merit that we bear some of the blame--for example, if we were raped while drunk. But even then, no one asks to be a victim. It is not your fault.

Fight or flight--or freeze

During a traumatic event, we have one of three reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. Fighting back can often leave us injured worse than if we had cooperated. Flight can feel like cowardice, and can backfire if we're not fast enough. Freezing, the least understood of the reactions, especially contributes to the "I let it happen" myth.

The truth is that our response comes down to which chemical is released at the time of the trauma. Adrenaline enables us to fight or flee, while noradrenaline causes a freeze reaction. We have no control over which chemical our body releases, hence, it is not our fault whether we fight back, run away, or completely freeze up.

When I was sexually assaulted in 2002, I froze. I could not fight back, nor could I run. I blamed myself for a long time--to some extent I guess I still do--but I also know that I was caught off-guard. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late to prevent it. And that was not my fault.

You may find yourself with similar beliefs. But hindsight allows us to view the trauma with multiple different endings. You acted the way you believed best ensured your chances of survival, whether that was fighting back, running away or freezing up. Your reaction was instinct, something you have no control over. It was not your fault. You did not let it happen.

Overcoming the myths

There's a saying, "The longest 18 inches in the world is the distance between your heart and your mind." The longer I'm in therapy, the more I agree. While we may know something intellectually, it's another thing to know it emotionally.

The first step is to know the truth in your head. You keep saying said truth until you're sick of hearing it, then you continue saying it. Meditate on it. Read about it. Time and hard work help bridge the gap to the heart.

I'd be lying if I said it were easy. But the peace you find once you succeed is incredible. The hard work is worth it.