Bipolar Depression and Feeling Nothing at All
Bipolar disorder is an affective disorder, in other words it affects your emotions (among other things). Bipolar disorder symptoms are often about feelings. Well, they're about FEELINGS. I feel HAPPY. I feel SAD. I feel IRRITATED. I feel ENERGETIC.
But one thing that's rarely recognized is that sometimes bipolar disorder is about feeling nothing at all.
Depression and Bipolar Disorder
Depression is one of the two poles of bipolar disorder (the other being mania / hypomania). And myself, being bipolar type 2, I'm darn familiar with it because people with bipolar disorder type 2 spend 35 times more time depressed than they do in hypomania.
Depression and Emotion
And while depression is a "low" mood and, of course, is known for sadness, there is something else you might feel when depressed: nothing at all.
Yup. Nothing. Just a void. You feel an absence, if such a thing is possible. You feel the blank page, silence, dark matter, dishwater. You move through the world, and things happen to you that you know you should feel, but instead of feeling, nothing happens. Like turning the key in your car's ignition and the car not starting - it's unsettling.
Yay! I'm Not Sad!
So feeling nothing must be a great break from feeling terrible? Right?
Not in my experience. Feeling nothing just makes you feel like you're not human, not like you're not depressed. It's like being the shell of a person. A walking and talking corpse. Like you're nothing. The human experience with emotion removed isn't the human experience - it's really no experience at all.
Because emotions are how we make sense of the world around us. They are how we remember the day. If you loved the fact that you ate lasagne for lunch, you might remember it. If you ate the same dull ham sandwich for the 14th day in a row, you probably won't. And what does anything matter if it doesn't make you feel? If you don't care about eating ice cream or seeing your kids smile or browsing a book store or taking a bubble bath then why bother doing any of those things? Why bother doing anything at all?
And this is the thing that people fundamentally don't understand about depression. Depression, bipolar, mood disorders, are about moods that don't respond as expected and in this case don't budge at all. There is nothing to do, nothing to say, no strategy to try because nothing moves the needle, even a little. It's not that I'm not trying it's that trying doesn't matter.
And that is a recursive depression. It's depression that makes you feel nothing which makes you feel depressed which makes you feel even less (because yes, there are degrees of nothingness). It's depression that breeds depression. Like bunnies. Depression bunnies, all grey and un-hoppy.
What to Do When You Feel Nothing
Now comes the part of the article when I make my stunningly insightful recommendations. Ah. I'm having trouble with that bit because I only have one suggestion: try to remember it wasn't always like this and it won't always be like this in the future.
That's it. Try to remember. Because I don't have a stunningly insightful recommendation for how to fix the problem, I can only remind you that the problem wasn't always there and won't always be there. You just have to wait. And trust.
One day the bunnies will hop again.
You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter or at the Bipolar Burble, her blog.
APA Reference
Tracy, N.
(2012, January 12). Bipolar Depression and Feeling Nothing at All, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, November 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2012/01/bipolar-depression-and-feeling-nothing-at-all
Author: Natasha Tracy
Sixty two years on this planet has taught me that for some people, like me, life is not meant to be enjoyed, only endured. Which of course is really no life at all. I will never fully understand why some people have to work so hard just to survive while others seemingly have a much easier go of it. I’ve tried and tried many years to improve my life but failed miserably. So why would I want to keep putting myself through that again and again. I give up. I’m “quietly quitting”
I was recently forced into taking a CBT course called “Living Life To The Full“. But my mind, body and spirt is just not into it. Apparently, by changing my thoughts, I can somehow magically think my broken brain well, really??? These alternative thoughts are then supposed to change my “feelings” (What feelings? They were killed off a long time ago) which in turn will somehow change my behaviour??? I am already cynical from trying. My core being, my very soul, is so so very tired at this point that all I wanna do is sleep, every chance I get.
My GP won’t give me any type of anti depressant for fear I’ll become manic. Honestly a little manic energy would be a welcome relief at this point. Of course ALL medications come with some type of side effect that create NEW problems to deal with. But I’m done with the medication Merri-go round. I’m not interested in trying anything new. I take meds that cause the least amount of damage but in reality I know they do very little to improve the quality of life and they also make me fat. Yes it’s true that some meds will definitely cause weight gain, even after numerous attempts to improve my diet. For a while there I was eating healthier than I have ever done before yet still no change. So I’m giving up on that too (I can’t afford to eat like that anymore, with the rising cost of groceries nowadays)
Shutting down my feelings has been a logical way for me to survive. Some people call may call that anhedonia. But surviving is not thriving.
A long time friend (known her for over 40 years) who was a part of my support system passed away last weekend. My first reaction was shock of course and how much I am going to miss her but immediately following that, all I could think of was how lucky she was because now HER struggles were over.
At this point in my life, the only thing I am truly looking forward to, is the knowing we all have, that someday I will be lucky like her too and can finally rest in peace.
All feelings do is cause me more heartache and pain. I’ve accepted my life and I just don’t care anymore. Everyday is like the movie Ground Hog day, same routine, different day. It has no meaning, no purpose, and is completely void of any morsel of joy. Meds don’t help, counselling, etc. Too tired to participate in life. Bipolar 1 , Seasonal Depression and Menopause suck the life out of me!!! Missed out on so many milestones in life already. Totally numb inside
Hi R,
I'm so sorry. I understand what it's like to be in that place. I know what's like to feel like your life is on a hamster wheel.
All I can tell you is this: the one thing we know about life is that it changes. It always does. For everyone. For example, you will get through menopause, and the other side will be different.
I've missed out on many milestones, too. I know how despondent that can make you (me). But please know that where you live today won't be the place where you live forever. Things will change, and you can use that change to create a new place for yourself.
I'm not saying like will suddenly be sunshine and roses. Life is hard. Life with bipolar disorder is very hard. But it doesn't have to be the same forever.
Best.
-- Natasha Tracy
I’m glad I found this article. I have BP1 and feel like my meds make me emotionally numb. I was hoping there would be more insight to people on mood stabilizers and or antipsychotics. But have only found info on antidepressants and depressive moods causing emotional blunting.
Enjoyed this article.
I find it hard sometimes explaining to people that I don't actually feel that 'sad' when I'm depressed, I just don't feel much at all, other than tired, lethargic and wanting to be left alone to curl up and sleep most of the time.
Nice to see I'm not the only one who has this. Personally I would rather not feel very much than be hurting. Emotional pain is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, and I wouldn't want anyone including myself to feel that way. I realise more and more though that bipolar disorder is unique to the individual, and so many experiences I've read of it differ from my own.
Thanks for the article!
After 10 years I realized all this emptiness mixed with mania is bipolar disorder and I started taking lamictal 2 weeks ago I feel only happiness and the depression is gone forever
The light wins against the darkness :) keep moving forward
Hi Eva,
Congratulations. I've had that experience before. It's magical.
-- Natasha Tracy
All Great insights. At 54, I keep learning about things and the dynamics of what I live with. Having Smarts is only a partial shield against a mind that turns on itself. I had to explain to my wife that I was on autopilot. I felt like an automaton with all the plugs pulled except the basics. I could drive and stare for a long time, listen to the same music over and over and it was just information flowing through a sieve and doing nothing, not even registering. That coupled with Hypersomnia really starts to reduce the self worth and sense of uselessness to others. The not so positive feed back loop accelerates.
The problem with my condition is that it's not just about the emotions it's also about all the feelings. I don't experience nothing like things attributed to depression like feeling of hopelessness or worthlessness. I'm not hopeful but i am not hopeless either. I am really really NOTHING. and i don't experience any other feelings other than emotions
welcome to my reality! Im 52, when I was young I used to drink and do drugs to cope with my excesivelly strong emotions, mostly anger and fear. Today at 52 I would have to do alcohol and drugs to feal maybe just a little bit but as I found out I only get sick so its not worth it. There is nothing I feel, no anger no fear no hate no love no joy no pain no sadness or sorrow, nothing. And tell you what although people call me detached and cold and arogant and desinterested (all true) Im still thinking that this may not be so bad. I saves me a lot of unneeded drama and stuff that only takes up time. So having no emotins at all my scare others but its actually not that bad.
Thank you so much for explaining this! Most of my depressive episodes are exactly this...a void...a nothingness. It's frustrating because nothing specific is wrong...I can't seem to find anything to change to pull myself out of that void. What can you do to combat nothing? My meds help me be mostly stable, but of course I go hypo-manic or depressive every few months. Not as bad as before my meds, but that monster is still there. I haven't been to a therapist in a year or so because I don't know what to talk about that I haven't before. I don't have severe trauma that haunts me or anything like that. Have I had some stuff happen to me that I ruminate on? yes. But I can't help compare my story to others and find that mine is nothing. So then I feel guilty. I haven't gotten through near as traumatic events as others, but here I am depressed for no reason. Just here. Empty. I suppose that's something I could talk about...IDK
I’ve felt blank for 3 years. I’ve tried to take my life 3 times this year because if I can’t get back to normal and feeling like myself what’s the point. My friends did an intervention but the hospital did not help. They medicated me and had groups about coping skills etc. I sat around just thinking I’m even lower now because of this experience. I just want out.
Hi Mel,
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now. I understand how difficult it is to feel blank all the time. I'm truly sorry you're feeling that way right now.
What I can tell you is that it doesn't have to be that way. I know that people consider suicide when they feel there's no other way out (I've been there) -- but there is. Treatment can help you. It may not have been able to help so far, but that doesn't mean that it can't. Try a different medication. Try a different doctor. Try a different therapy. There are so many combinations of things that work for people; there is a combination out there for you too.
If you're not sure where to start, check out our resources and hotlines page: https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer…
Please reach out and try again. You can do it.
-- Natasha Tracy
Now I know what people mean when they say emptiness. I realized I m bipolar for jo reason my mood is switchin every day. I was takjng lithium it helped me. Now i dont have more of it so I drink half glass of wine the emptiness is gone. It's temporary but better than feeling sad all day.
Your experience pretty much describe my whole life. Sad, numb, tired, no-motivation, anxiety about everything. I try everything I can to try to fill the void, but it just temporary and the emptiness continue. The most tragic part is it rob my ability (if I have any) to connect with peoples . And my hypomania episodes often cause problems with family members. I'm on anti-depp medication, which only gives me energy to focus and productive for half a day.
I really like this article because this is how I feel "nothing at all". I am bipolar and at the moment going through a hard time with depression being 5 weeks being sick with major depression and anxiety. Yesterday I had a great day clear mindset and my thought patterns and logic was great. I thought I was better until I woke up today depressed and feeling nothing at all. It's an awful and strange feeling not having any emotions that makes us feel good.
I've had 2 emotional traumas in 3 years. Going back on prozac because depression returned and emotions are gone, it put me into a manic phase. I didn't figure it out for a while but the prozac made me shop, travel, clean, etc. They say you can be BP with no cycling until a medicaiton "breaks it" now that that's happened, will I always be manic? Dont see theropist or dr for a few days
Hi Lily,
No one can tell the future but bipolar does tend to be a cyclical disease -- meaning that what goes up must come down. In other words, you are very likely not to be in that mood forever. That said, as to how long it will last varies dramatically from person to person and it whether you receive treatment or not will be a big factor.
- Natasha Tracy
I believe medication is very important and mostly the right combination. An anti-depressant will cause a manic episode so therefore most people who have Bipolar will have a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. For instance, for me, I have Bipolar 1 for 28 years and its important for me to have all three combinations of medication for mental wellbeing. Antidepressants are not just for major depression but for my anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks are the trigger to psychosis so it is important for an antipsychotic. Mood stabilizers are used to help balance moods and prevent manic and depression, but with me I need antipsychotic. Therefore, everyone is different when it comes to medication.
Unfortunately, I feel all of the bad things (the sadness, the anger, very heavy grief) and none of the good things. I thought for most of last year that I fell out of love with my partner, and it wasn't until my cat was laying on me and purring and being all cute that I felt nothing and realized there was a bigger problem with my emotions. I've been on 300 mg of Lamictal for almost 5 weeks and I'm still not feeling much in the positive emotion category. I'll have to bring this up with my psychiatrist. But before I was treated, everything felt gray, even when it was bright and sunny out. I had been misdiagnosed with depression for years until I found a doctor who actively listened to the things I was telling him. I'm a work in progress, but I definitely relate to this article.
I've been depressed for 3 years now off meds im bipolar 1 and have ptsd i cant feel any emotions anymore no love hate anger joy excitement from activities im so hollow and dont know where to turn whats the point in living when u cant feel anything I use to fear death but now I embrace it im not afraid of dying anymore I welcome it with open arms and want it so badly I have no friends no one who cares and I feel like no one ever will im not pitying myself soon I think I might just end my life there has to be something better then this hell im in I hope no one ever feels this like I do
Thank you so much. I've been feeling numb for a while and had to binge read about psychopaths (yeah..) to stir some emotional response in me. Your witty announcement of stunningly insightful recommendations actually made me smile and feel joyful again.
But how do we know it will be the same again one day? I’ve had the numbness for around 20 years now. At least I’m stable (sarcasm). I have to get back my emotions, I can’t die having not felt anything since I was a teenager, and even then the mood swings started so things got distorted pretty quickly. Nevertheless, this post made me feel relieved to hear my experiences put into words. Yes, I just sit and wait for my child to eat his ice cream, I force myself to go on a walk with him, wondering when we can turn back around. I have a great job and dread getting a new assignment because I don’t have motivation. I didn’t realize this could be depression. I just thought it’s what it was like to have a stable mood.
Hi Karen,
I can't tell you what your specific answer is, but I can say you need help. If I were you, I'd see a therapist and psychiatrist as soon as possible. If you're already on medication, you likely will need to adjust/change it (under a doctor's supervision, of course).
Please reach out. Life doesn't have to be like this
- Natasha Tracy
I dont feel anything. Its been going on for quite some time and i chosed to ignore it, thinking maybe im just being dramatic and such. When i hang out with my family or friends, i do laugh and try to have some fun but i dont think i genuinely feel happy inside. I thought being in a relationship will somehow help me through this but the sad part is, it didn't. Once when we were still together, he told me i was a 'cold, unemotional and uncapable of loving'. And when our relationship ended with him just leaving without saying anything, i actually didnt felt anything. Not even a tinge of pain. I refused to think of what went wrong. I refused to think of our whole relationship. Basically i just went on with my life. Didn't even cried for him. I rarely get mad but when i do, i totally lose it. Its like you feel nothing for quite some time and all at once, youll feel something, unfortunately, its anger and you just have to lash it out. I pretty much break everything i get a hold on during this phase. So i really try to controly anger. But the weird part is, i like reading books with sad endings. Maybe this contributed on why im feeling this way but the reason why i read those things is that, ita make me feel pain. Sorrow. Like i could feel my heart being squeezed and that feeling, i hold on to it. Cause its something that makes me feel... Human...
Hi Emily,
What you're describing is something that happens to people sometimes. It can happen for a variety of reasons. For example, if you've experienced trauma, this can be the result. If you're taking medication, it might be the wrong one or the wrong dose. Of course, depression can do this too.
You need to reach out to a therapist and/or doctor. They can help you work this out. You can begin feeling again but you'll likely need help.
- Natasha Tracy
Natasha, I too have these triggers. I have always called them black manic episodes?? But I do have 10yrs of what was lost memories of molestation by workman on the farm. So I hear your point.
At nearly 60, I’m now so numb and so physically also in pain, that trying to stay alive feels like I’m a burden as I become more and more socially unacceptable, which leads to more poor emotional responses and decreased self esteem.
The times of feeling myself are so few and far between I may need to consider a drug change. But I remember the last one I didn’t think I’d make it back from. I just want to go home to Jesus, but now feel I’m not even saved. Hmmm gotta love a crappy gene pool hey
I have been feeling nothing for the past few months I don’t feel sad or anything I can’t cry I can sit there and get yelled at but still nothing it’s just like there not saying anything at all I’m not sure what to do so I just try to act normal around my friends.
I don’t feel nothing Rn I don’t love no one I am not mad I am not sad even tho I have a lot of reasons to be it’s just blank it’s weird and I am trying to cry but I can’t
My husband with bipolar,just told me this morning that he has times in his life when he feels nothing at all. In searching for information on it I found this website. It's comforting to know there are others out there that are dealing with this and how they are dealing with it. We are a praying couple . He says hasn't felt God for along time. He goes through the motions forcing himself to work or go to Church and or carry on daily living. I wish I could do more to help support him. Any ideas are welcomed?
Hi Kathleen,
What I can tell you is that your husband needs to seek medical treatment. There are therapies and medications that can help.
- Natasha Tracy
Hi Kathleen, I am a pastors wife with Bi-polar 2 and I hear how you miss hearing and feeling God as He once was. I hope by now he has found better meds. I’ve also found other causes to my mental illnesses that have helped them work better. Ie my copper levels were very high from Wilson’s disease brought on by a rare bacterial infection from farming called Whipples disease. When they were Chelated, I had 10 years of feeling so well. Also have found a gene that interferes with neurotransmitters that aid serotonin levels. And take TMG an amino acid that helps too, I’m only heterozygous of this gene but I wish I could remember more to help more. The last factor that’s affected my moods is having hyperaldosteronism… an adrenal disorder that can effect our ability to cope.
So a copper, zinc cerruloplasma blood test. Anything higher than 17 is symptomatic even though a bells curve in science has the level higher. The Bill Walsh institute is dedicated to these bio chemical issues. Not sure where in the states they are.
Then aldosterone renin ration for adrenals. … early symptoms are a higher diastolic blood pressure than normal. But eventually it leads to hypertension that seems resistant to meds.. took them ten years to do this blood test on me with hypertension.
Hope ruling out things means he gets a better hold on it. But sometimes my favorite bible verse for my low mood times is “And it came to pass”
Yes, I don't know why I'm here. I can't feel anything. I wonder "what's the point", to each day, for having every single thing I have in my home, daily things, my clothes, kitchen contents. Like everything. I wonder "what's the point?" I can recognize the joy I get out of my bird feeders, which just returned a couple weeks ago! And under debilitating fatigue, I I finally cooked for the first time in weeks & weeks, and I love to cook. I have no energy & I have to go lay down.
Natasha, once again, I am searching for help, for truth, for some form of a life raft to hold onto, and once again, you are there!
God it's so hard, but not paralyzing, as it is many many (most?) days.
Oh my God, thank you for being there, just to talk. I am so much wanting & needing a shoto of vitamin 12, I think, so I've heard.
My depression has been debilitating.
Just now, I've come up for air.
I constantly feel nothing. Or if I do then it’s guilt for feeling nothing and letting people down for not having excitement or enthusiasm
Hi,
I meet a problem that i have never imagined i would one day cope in my entire life: i cannot cry. I feel the water at the surface of my eye, but it would't go out. Yes, i'm having problems of my own right now, but i usually tell myself it will go away soon or later. This time, it does not. It stays, and slowly eat away my ability to feel something. I feel nothing. Absoulutely nothing and it terrifies me so much. I feel like there is somehing in my lung and it makes me hard to breath. Also, first time in my entire life, i want to cut myself. At least by doing that I can feel something. Whatever it is.
I'm 16 years old I used to be the most out going fun girl and I been feeling this way for a long long time now I honestly thought it was a stage but I been feeling well basically nothing since i was 12, like sometimes I'll be okay but most of the times I end up feeling empty like nothing. When people tell me stuff or I see things happen even if it's bad or sad I feel nothing and it never goes away it always ends up coming back, even worse. I just wanna be able to really feel that true happiness I used to feel .
Hello everyone. Not sure how all of this goes. About 4 months ago is when it started I thought it was just a bad week. I literally feel like it happened over night. I woke up one morning and felt nothing... I feel like crying a lot. I am not sure what this is but I'm scared. I want to be the way I used to. I wanna b happy feel those butterflies around someone. Some days I am fine and have the confidence but the past week has been nothing but not having self confidence in myself and just being moody with everyone. I want it to stop :(
I am really struggling to help my 21 year old bipolar son or at least that's what the doctors suspect it is. He also states he feels no emotions whatsoever. We are seeing a therapist and trying medications. My wife and myself are so worried about him and his destructive behavior. Reading some of the post was really disheartening. Can anyone offer any hope for this bipolar emotionless disorder? W
Would greatly appreciate some words of encouragement. This is new to us and we feel so lost and hopeless.
Hi Rkc,
There is always hope. 21 is very young and it can, quite literally, take years for doctors to find the best treatment. I can understand feeling lost and hopeless, that is normal. Do your reading about the illness, learn as much as you can. Being emotionless can end with the right treatment but it takes time to get there.
- Natasha Tracy
Make sure you get help and make sure you have life insurance,cause if he gets on disability he will not be able to get any life insurance.
@rkc
I'm the same age as your son, and i have the exact same thing, even though i haven't let myself be diagnosed with it. I just don't want that diagnosis hanging over me as well. I also don't want the meds, as i'd rather deal with the issue than shove it under the rug. I'd rather fight even if i don't know if the outcome is going to be positive. I don't want to be a zombie on meds.
As to how you could help your son: Don't try too hard. He'll know and despise it. After hiding it for a very long time i told my parents that i was likely depressed, but i didn't really know why or couldn't put it into words. I then told them the last thing i want from them is to treat me differently, that'll break my heart, because what i'm trying to do is to find my old witty, happy self again. I didn't want them to bear my burden on their shoulders, because them knowing im struggling makes me even more sad. I know everyone has problems, and i don't want them to have to deal with mine aswell, it feels unfair and useless. They've started treating me like a ticking bomb, almost as if they're scared of me or what i'll do, or as if they're not sure who they're talking to - which just makes it all worse. I want to go back to having a genuine emotional connection with my family and people again, instead of having to TRY to feel every time i'm with them. That's pretty much what it all comes down to, having to TRY to feel really sucks, because we know we care deep in our hearts without the slightest doubt, but the physical emotion just isn't present all the time, and even more so, not when we really need it to be. I tend to lie awake thinking about how much i love my family and that they worry about me, and how much i want them to know i'm trying to show it, i want to go hug them before it's too late (if someone dies) but the second they step into my room it's like something snaps and my emotions all lock up and it usually ends with me treating them badly and regretting it the second they close the door again. Makes me feel like a 14 year old shitkid. I know what i'm destructive, but i can't stop it - i usually feel like apologizing, and sometimes do, but then again that also makes me feel like more of an emotional burden and a bit of a dramaqueen. such a loop. overthinking everything.
I don't have a solution, if anyone did neither your son or i would be in this situation. The thought of going to a shrink for help is just awful to me, i've tried it, but how can a random person who just read some books on psychology solve my brain if i can't do it myself? I mean, it's hard enough for me to think about what it is im struggling with and how i can deal with it - so how on earth would a random shrink be able to put themselves in my exact situation and deal with it properly? I tried it, and hated it.
My best advice for now would be as previously stated: your son loves you and is trying harder than he's ever tried anything to get back to his old self and to be able to talk to you normally and act normally again, but identifying exactly what it is is extremely hard. For me, i think a lot of it is about finding my passion in life, because i can't decide what i want to be or for what reason i want to. I know i need to have a passion for whatever i'll end up working with or i'll hate my life as long as i live. There's just no other option. Just don't give up on him, because he's there, just buried deep under some very nasty confusing shit. Also know that he cares, A LOT, but sometimes feels like he doesn't, and that makes him even more angry with himself. It's a horrible loop. I have days when i feel happy, but when night comes, i start to get anxious because i can feel the non-caringness pour over me, and i don't want it to. i dont want to be like this. I used to despise people who are depressed, and never understood why they just don't deal with it.
Your son is likely to be very much like me. So i'll give you as much insight as i can. I analyze conversations as they go along, and think about what the person i'm talking to is thinking, how he expects me to react, how he wants me to react, and then i have to consider if i should act like the person wants me to, or to act like i really feel, which sometimes is just... why are we even talking about something as trivial as this. I just want to be able to have a normal small talk conversation (or any kind of conversation) with someone instead of constantly overthinking, and if your son starts to feel like you're adapting your conversation, he'll instantly notice and it's very disheartening knowing that your parents don't feel like they know you anymore when you know you're still you. I've beaten myself up over this so much. I also worry a lot about not saying things before its too late. I feel like there's so much i wont be able to say until it's too late. Almost as if im waiting for someone to die so i can go to their grave and tell them how i feel then. It's so fucked up, but i guess it's just because of the analyzing part of the mentality that comes along with this. I'm analyzing mistakes other people have made, like not expressing their love towards their parents until they were dead and they start to regret it. Therefore i end up hating myself for not being able to be fully open with them and tell them how extremely much they mean to me, like having an entirely human to human open-deep level conversation, but i just can't get myself to do it, even though after all my analysis, i've concluded that all people have these thoughts on some level, but i want to break the barrier and be the one that goes to that deep level, but im sort of scared it'll weird our relationship out even more.
I know this was very badly structured, but im just ranting along as i'm trying to give you as much insight as possible. Just came home from a walk in the woods bawling my eyes out and i'm sort of getting back to my normal state now, which (encouragingly enough) is quite a decent-happy state of mind, i feel like i could even have a laugh now, without sounding too much like a robot. I miss laughing as often as i used to though. In general people my age laugh less than we used to because of the stress that comes along with having to actually do things that makes us uncomfortable like going to a shitty job where neither you or your boss really gives a shit. Makes us feel stuck. We all know it, but don't admit it. For the record, i'm not as boring and nerdy as i might sound, but this truly is a very hard state of mind to deal with. Feel free to ask questions. We're not that fucked, you can have a lot of fun with your son too, it's just the periodical fucked-up-ness that really really really sucks to deal with.
Wow. Someone else who actually understands the nothingness. I feel a little less nothing right at the moment. I suppose that's a good thing.
This has really helped. I thought it was me. My body language. My responsesto questions are not real answers. Feel like the conversation between people is forced. Thinking on this subject the pattern starts with a situation that involves a third party. I have the Answers and my natural impulsiveness would resolve this problem in a second. But others can't, so i get irritable and draw to a blank...
Im 17 and when i was in therapy they diagnosed me as bipolar. Im not in therapy anymore and i no longer get any help and noe for the first time i actually understand that im bi polar and its starting to really effect me. I just started a relationship amd i get butterflies sometimes. I like him but other times its absolutely empty and i dont think its fair for him to wonder why im so down while we're on our date. I feel it creeping up on me and i think its about to get much worse . Id like help but im about to be 18 so its not going to be free anymore.
But I'm tired of waiting. I don't have the desire to wait any longer. The only thing keeping me going is knowing I'd be taking my mom down with me and I could never do that to her. The minute she's gone, I probably will kill myself. I was actually so upset and had a nervous breakdown the day I figured out she really did love me. I just never really realized it until after I was in the hospital for threatening suicide (misunderstanding, children and youth are d**ks, I'm glad I'm an adult now). Also speaking of hospitals, they don't help at all, like zip. I laid in bed almost all day every day and did nothing but be mad they wouldn't let me leave and logically think of all the ways a person could still kill themselves.
It has been a little soothing reading these posts knowing I am not the only one that feels like it is all for nothing , no one loves me or thinks of me I am just a waste of space , I have no idea why I am still living or how to keep going for reasons that are not clear my children are all young adults and find me to hard to deal with , I just want to FEEL SOMETHING. I just want to be alive I tread water and I am just so exhausted I am so over it all I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up .
Yes, you put it into words for everyone to understand. That is exactly how depression is like and I've struggled with it for a couple years in my life, up until I tried MDMA. I know sounds crazy and somewhat dangerous (as long as you get some water in your system you're good) but it completely changed my perspective in life in general. I'd even say that it saved me from myself. I was lost in the world. I wasn't present in the moment whatsoever because I just didn't want to, there was no point to it. MDMA just helped me understand the point in loving the people that love me and most importantly myself. It gave meaning and purpose to life. greatest epiphany of my life up to this point. Note that I've only done it once in my lifetime. There are plenty of articles on the web that talk about MDMA assisted psychotherapy. It's really interesting.
The thing is for me at least im stuck in a curicle i can not escape yes surely i can work hard make some money and leave it all behind but does it even matter in the end i'll die anyway so why should i even try i never felt truly hapoy or sad or anything last time was about 9 years ago and i really don't remember how it was like to feel anyway im just waiting and counting the days wasting my life until the day comes for me to leave this world my only regret is that i could've done much better but still all for nithing and nothing worth spending energy so ya cya...
I like to use the word "pithed" as in scooped out like a melon - but the grey and unhoppy depression bunnies are far more likeable.
I've been feeling nothing for a year now . I'm very young and still have my whole life to live but I just don't care. When I cry or laugh - it's not from deep down. Most of my laughs are fake or just skin deep. All of my crying is skin deep.
I don't want to feel this way.
I take quite a bit of school of and my peers think it's cause I'm lazy. No it's cause i just couldn't care less about school. Thanks for the help and I'll try to remeber. I don't want to take medicine nor go to a pyschiatrist. I hope one day the bunnies will hop again.