Self-loathing and addiction--for as long as I can remember, my self-loathing has been an ongoing spiral in my addiction journey. The spiraling cycle starts with hating myself for being addicted in the first place, then giving in to my addiction, then hating that I gave in, and so on. My self-loathing took the form of many things in my life including my anxiety, my depression, and my suicidal tendencies. However, my addiction wasn't the only reason I hated myself for so long. I think those feelings started long before my addiction ever formed.
Suicidal ideation is a concept I've grown to be incredibly close to in my addiction recovery journey. Most people sweep suicidal ideation into the same categories as suicidal thoughts or even suicidal attempts, however, it's not quite the same as either of those. Think of suicidal ideation as the "monster before the monster," it's not quite to the level of building a plan or constructing thoughts together, but it's pretty close. In my addiction recovery, suicidal ideation has been a constant battle to face, and for the longest time, I didn't even know or understand the severity of it. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
I was asked the other day “is full recovery from addiction possible?” and that is the question that consistently is asked, and needs to be consistently addressed, because those who struggle with addiction, eating disorders, self-harm, etc. truly need to hear an answer from those whom are in recovery from addiction or recovered. Anyone who follows me on Twitter, or reads my blogs, knows that I believe in full addiction recovery. I know it is possible not only because I am living proof, but because I see people daily who are also living proof.