What Not to Say to a Parent of a Child with Mental Illness

Have you ever wondered what not to say to a parent of a child with mental illness? Every day I hear insensitive remarks about my child's mental illness. I don't believe the people making these comments know how hurtful they are to me. It recently occurred to me that most people probably don't know what to say or what not to say to a parent of a child with mental illness. Perhaps that is why they say exactly the wrong thing. So I've put together some guidelines of what not to say to a parent of a child with mental illness.

Don't Say This to Parents of Children with Mental Illnesses

Don't deny the illness. Five years ago when my son Bob was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my mother tried to convince me the doctor was wrong. Even recently a family member suggested my son would outgrow his mental illness and not require medication in the future. Believe me, I wish my son didn't have a serious, lifelong mental illness but he does. These well meaning comments confuse me. They also can derail critical treatment.

Don't Give Solutions to Parents of Mentally Ill Children

Here's something not to say to a parent of a child with a mental illness: don't give advice or solutions. This is huge. Yes, he's tried therapy, counseling, psychologists, psychiatrists and medications. Bob had an individual education plan at school with home-bound and emotional support placements. I watch my son's diet, exercise, sunlight exposure, sleep and electronics use. He doesn't smoke, drink alcohol or use drugs. No, he is not on a gluten-free, organic diet. When you kindly offer me advice or solutions, it makes me feel like you think I'm not doing everything I can for my child. It's extremely frustrating for me. There is no silver bullet. I know this.

What Not to Say to Parents of Mentally Ill Children: Don't Blame the Parents

Don't blame the parents. Too often parents of children with mental illness are judged to be bad parents because of their child's bad behavior. In the past, traditional parenting methods made my son Bob's behavioral symptoms worse. Taking away my son's phone is not going to make his social anxiety disorder go away. His phone is a source of safety for him, so he keeps it. That doesn't make me a bad parent or Bob a manipulative teenager. Tough love does not cure mental illness (What Works When Disciplining a Child with Mental Illness).

Don't Tell a Parent of a Mentally Ill Child to Stop Medication

Don't think the goal is to get my child off psychiatric medication. You would never tell a parent of a child with diabetes to stop giving their child insulin. My son's mental illness is no different. His psychiatric medication is life-saving.

Other Things Not to Say to a Parent of a Child with Mental Illness

Don't call my child names. He's not a psycho, druggie or troublemaker. The weather is not bipolar. Your fastidious neighbor does not have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Name-calling makes light of mental illness and promotes stigma. Would you make fun of a child with leukemia?

Don't dismiss my child or me. I'm very open about my son's mental illness. If you ask me how Bob is doing, I will likely tell you he missed a week of school recently because of his bipolar depression. When you awkwardly say nothing or change the subject, it hurts me. Say something, but don't ignore my child with mental illness.

While focusing on what not to say to a parent of a child with mental illness may seen negative, my next blog will discuss what to say to a parent of a child with mental illness.

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