Reclaiming Your Strength During ED Recovery

There are times I am strong and focused on recovery from anorexia nervosa. There are other times I feel hopeless. It is at those times I see my life as a dark and endless tunnel. I can only see anorexia in my future, and it looks like a bleak future without hope nor life.

I felt that way last week and I could not bring myself to write one word no matter how hard I tried. I was sick at heart, and my strength was totally depleted. However, after much prayer and talk with some wonderful friends, I found myself reclaiming my strength and new hope is growing within me.

Recovering from an eating disorder takes a lot of mental and physical strength. For weeks, I struggled with anxiety and depression. I wondered why I had failed at least four times to recover from anorexia. I concluded that recovery was for other people and that my future would only contain anorexia and loneliness until my eating disorder claimed my life in one way or another. I began to shut everyone out, and didn't leave my house for three days.

Then I called a friend. No answer. I called another friend and I kept calling people until I reached a live person. I cried and confessed my pain and thoughts to her, and we talked for at least an hour. I told her I was afraid that I would never completely leave anorexia behind and that all the gains I recently had made would be lost because I was ready to dive right back into restricting.

I admitted I was afraid of the future, and that all it held was more sadness, struggle, and loneliness. I didn't want to live in this future world I envisioned.

I felt a tiny flicker of hope flare up after talking with her and several other friends. I learned that isolating myself during recovery will deplete me of my inner strength and quickly send me in a downward spiral. I had already isolated myself enough when I was enmeshed in anorexia. I have learned that one of the most valuable things I almost lost — but thank God I didn't! — was the friendships I have had for years.

I began to feel even stronger when I was able to get out, see a member of my treatment team, and then go buy healthy foods for myself. Yes, I dropped my groceries all over the snow as I tried to carry them in. This also helped me as I threw a fit about the scattered groceries and ended up screaming out my rage at anorexia in the process.

I woke up today to Michigan's cold sunshine and felt strong and able to do just about anything. I plugged in my iPod and sung along to my favorite songs as I drove the two hours to my psychiatrist's appointment. My doctor smiled as I told him I was again listening to music and singing along.

My strength and hope grew even stronger when he said he knew this would be the year I would beat anorexia. To know he and others believe in me gives me strength. I found myself singing along to "Beautiful Light" as I drove back north on I-75, feeling that yes, this will be my last year with anorexia. I am healing, and you can too. It is hard work, and sometimes painful. But the price of being out of the prison of an eating disorder is worth it.