One day in 2001, I recorded in my journal: "I don't know why I am so angry." Hindsight is 20/20 (or maybe the "hindsight bias" is at play). Either way, by piecing together the evidence from my journals, I was angry because my abuser: dishonored the goals I set for myself, following only his own ignored my thoughts or feelings when planning "our" life together demanded I raise our children by his rules, as if he were their only parent and on and on... In short, I was angry because he denied that "I" existed. "I" meant so little to him that he wanted to pretend he was the only person in our "relationship".

The predictability of domestic abuse is, overall, easy to see; but case-by-case, domestic abuse eruptions are unpredictable. The predictability of domestic abuse exists because you know that the abuse will happen again, following a pattern; the unpredictability is in when it will occur.

Now that I'm out of my abusive marriage, I never want to enter another abusive relationship again. I think about how I came to believe my ex-husband was my knight in shining armor and how I fell under his spell. Although he alone is responsible for the abuse, the abusive cycle was partly my fault; in effect, I gave him permission to abuse me. I don't want to give anyone permission to do that again! Here are four signs I ignored that warned me of future abuse in the relationship with my ex-husband.

If I've learned one thing over the past two years, it is that our society is ill-equipped to deal with emotional and verbal abuse, and more than 75% of the time, we do not recognize it when it happens to us. And if we do know it is happening, we're reluctant to label it as abuse. Instead, we seek to "understand" and "forgive" or "toughen up and deal with it" believing our minds and hearts should be able to "overcome" somebody's hurtful words and manipulations. We think we should be "better men" and "rise above" the verbal violence via passivity and silence (and maybe an apologetic smile if the abuser lashes out around friends, family, or the strangers in the canned goods aisle at the grocery store).

Over the past weeks, I allowed my ex access to my spirit because I thought I was strong enough to handle it. Via text messages, he insulted my abilities and predicted my doom, and I forced myself to read his words because the overall issue related to our child. I now realize I chose three paths of thought that do not serve me.

I have a young friend who is 17 and must return to her home today under Department of Social Services' direction. Amy stayed with me the past few weeks as a runaway; she left her home two months ago. I visited the social worker at her school early on and tried to find a way to keep Amy safe. We looked into a group home, but Amy needs her parent's permission to go there. There is no placement for Amy, a 17 year old runaway. There is no help for her. The school honored Amy's request to keep DSS out of it for awhile. "Awhile" ended on Thursday.

Recently, I felt pretty darn sorry for myself. It seems that despite my best efforts, I cannot cut ties with Will, my abuser. Just last night, he came to my home to bring me our final divorce papers. He stood in my living room telling a humorous story of how our youngest son attempted to climb a pine tree with parachute gear. He gave my the papers, and I handed him my military ID card. Marc, our oldest son who now lives with me because his father choked him in a rage, sat quietly on the couch. I saw my son shrinking into the fibers of the sofa and made a mental note that Will is no longer allowed entry to my home. I will speak to Will on the steps or out by his truck; the man's mere presence disturbs the peace.

Verbal abuse, in essence, seeks to destroy your perception of your Self. The abuser sees you as the enemy to his way of life, and therefore will do everything in his power to diminish your mind, body, and soul to nothing and rebuild you in his image. Your abuser wants you to be non-existent, or at least weak and defeated, so he can define you as exactly what he wants you to be: his slave. But you didn't know this was his goal. Over time, you didn't notice that you gave of yourself but he contributed nothing. You cited his rotten childhood or made some excuse that fed your desire to help him to overcome his horrid life situation, drawing yourself into codependency and taking on responsibility for his thoughts and actions. 

In the last blog, we established that you cannot control what your abuser says or does. If s/he is abusive, no amount of begging and pleading or outright love will make them be kind and sweet to you, their target. So, what can you do to stop verbal abuse? There are a number of steps you can take to regain control of your thoughts, emotions and actions when facing abuse. One of them is reaching out to others. Reaching out to others covers a broad spectrum of behaviors from calling hotlines to receiving counseling from someone familiar with abusive situations.

The answer to "How Do I Stop Verbal Abuse?" is...drum roll, please...You can't! I wish that you could control how another person speaks and how they act. But you can't. Raise your hand if you've ever asked your verbally abusive husband or boyfriend to speak to you in a nicer way. Raise your hand if you've tearfully begged your verbally abusive wife to be kinder to you. Wow. That's a lot of hands. Did it work? No. At least not forever. The next time your abuser felt turmoil, s/he used their anger or sly verbal manipulations to bring you down again because you cannot stop verbal abuse.