What is the process by which someone becomes an abuse victim? What part do abuse victims play in the abusive cycle? Those questions leave me wanting an easy answer so I can wrap up my abusive experience in a neat little package and set it away in an attic where it would slowly disintegrate in the musty air. Unfortunately, the easy answers elude me. Easy or not, here is a part of my theory about how people become abuse victims in the first place:

Problems do not disappear when you leave your abusive relationship. I left 1 year, 8 months ago and my children and I deal with the after-effects of abuse even today. Before I get into them, I want you to know that I am so proud of myself for leaving that toxic relationship. I am grateful that I now tackle the "after-effects" rather than the day to day abuse. I am grateful for the opportunity I now have to rewind and repair myself, and I see signs that my teenage boys will also take it upon themselves to rewind and repair with me. I would not return to the abuse for ANY reason, and I completely adore the opportunities my new life gives me.

When I heard my ex-husband tell me what I was thinking, doing or feeling, he was usually wrong. He painted a picture of me that was so far from my reality that I felt it was imperative to correct him; I was not the person he described.  The argument that followed invariably left me in tears, hurt and feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless of finding intimacy with the man I loved. I wondered why he married me when he thought I was such a selfish, conniving, miserable woman. I was the same woman at 35 as I had been at 20. His constant nit-picking at my faults (and my willingness to examine myself to see if he was right) practically halted my personal development. I spent so much time double-checking who I was that I didn't have time to consider who I would like to be.

The law doesn't help abuse sufferers much unless you have photos of bruises or other injuries and were brave enough to go to the hospital to have them treated and filed a police report and immediately left your abuser - the first time. That may be simplistic, but it appears to be true in the news stories. So, because most abuses occur before anyone gets hit, sufferers of abuse and relationship-related trauma must learn to find justice for their battered psyche on their own.

  Many examples of verbal abuse aren’t easy to pinpoint, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Most verbally abusive statements are camouflaged by tone of voice, choice of words, body language, the abuser insisting "it's for your own good" and other such verbal decoys. Even so, examples of verbal abuse are easy to pick out once you have the ear for them.

The Bill of Rights was added to the United States Constitution to ensure the federal government did not trample the rights of the people. At the time, many contested the Bill of Rights saying that the federal government had no power that was not explicitly enumerated in the Constitution, so there was no need to spell out the Peoples' rights. Well, it's a good thing we do have the Bill of Rights because today it serves to remind the government to stay in its' own lane. Like our country's Bill of Rights, there should be no need for a Partner's Bill of Rights within a relationship. However, when you love someone, it is easy to blur the boundary lines between "me" and "you" as two merge into "one relationship."  When you consider that in an abusive relationship there is one partner fighting to completely engulf the other partner into him or herself, then the boundary lines easily become non-existent. No matter what the Constitution of your relationship, it is a good idea to keep in mind the following inalienable rights.

Abusers who have not yet turned to physical violence could be "time bombs" with fuses of unknown length. If your abuser feels that his "normal" verbally abusive techniques are not working, he will probably move into physical abuse to maintain his control. Abuse escalates over time. Time spent in abusive situations and relationships cause you to feel beaten down and devastated - but it is never too late to get help.

"I never wanted him to be like me, or to have any power over him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. To be able to get out safely." ~ comment by castorgirl on Motive for Staying in Abusive Relationship Castorgirl's comment bothered me all week. At first I thought it was because she seemed so blind and innocent, unwilling to see the truth. I wanted her to plainly see the hidden dynamics of an abusive relationship. But then in one clear instant, I remembered being castorgirl. I remember when the only thing I wanted was for him to leave me alone (The Invisible Line Between Verbal and Physical Abuse).

In 2008, I began counseling again. The doctor wrote the referral for depression. But when I got to my therapist's office, I told her I was there because I was emotionally and verbally abused with an occasional go-round with physical violence. I told her I was depressed for sure, but what I needed to know was how to deal with the abuse. She asked me if I'd considered leaving my marriage; I didn't want to do that.

The life you want will become reality if you leave your abusive relationship with an educated, clear mind. If you leave the relationship as a victim, you will find yourself victimized in your "new" life, too. You must find your strength before you walk out the door because friend, you will need every bit of your power (and some borrowed from those who love you) if you want to create a life of joy and happiness.