My Schizophrenia Diagnosis: I'm Schizophrenic, Not Weak

I was not surprised by my schizophrenia diagnosis. I realized that I was likely suffering from psychosis six weeks prior to my schizophrenia diagnosis when the symptoms of a patient alerted me to the nature of my own illness ("Complete List of Schizophrenia Symptoms"). I engaged in a bit of quick research on the subject and inadvertently ensnared myself in a psychotic delusion: I could not tell anyone that I was suffering from psychosis. In my mind, my employer and the government were closely monitoring my Internet history and would determine that I was a fraud. That was the first time I felt like a fraud. It wouldn't be the last.

The Reality of Psychosis Came Before My Schizophrenia Diagnosis

My schizophrenia diagnosis came after I first realized I experienced psychosis. Despite paranoia and auditory hallucinations, I have a very strong rational side. I've experienced a number of psychotic episodes, but have never completely lost my grasp on reality. I've sunk to depths at which I did not care about reality and points at which I lacked the strength to embrace reality, but reality has always been there waiting for me.

When I first realized I was psychotic, I knew deep down that it was unlikely I was being monitored. Yet, I did not have the strength to suppress the delusion or to embrace reality. Reality told me that the psychosis I was experiencing meshed poorly with my career and required medications that I loathed on every level. Delusions whispered that others were conspiring against me because they knew that I was weak, fraudulent and desperate to escape. I was afraid of being psychotic, but I was terrified of being weak. The genuine reality of my situation was miserable; the deluded reality was unspeakable. 

Existence Is Worth the Struggle

I chose to shun both forms of reality and sought to create an alternative reality in which I was neither psychotic nor fraudulent. Unfortunately, every alternative reality I conceived of represented yet another psychotic delusion. I ultimately chose to admit, rather than to embrace, psychosis. It was the right decision, but it came at a terrible price. I lost my job, my self-confidence and a significant portion of my identity.

Every day I wonder if my illness is simply profound weakness masquerading as psychosis despite my diagnosis of schizophrenia. I fight to embrace the reality that I confronted severe suicidal ideation and wrestled with appalling hallucinations that beckoned like a desert oasis. Yet, in the midst of my endless struggle, the evidence lies before my eyes: I am alive. I remain as a husband to my wife, as a father to my children, and as a voice of reason to those besieged by voices of madness. I remain petrified of the unknown that lies deep within my mind. Yet, the reality of my existence is worth the struggle.