How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage with Borderline PD
I just celebrated my first marriage anniversary. When I was younger, my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms were so intense that I struggled to maintain long-term, healthy relationships. However, I have adopted some strategies to keep my marriage and myself healthy.
Navigating One Year of Marriage with BPD
I had multiple long-term relationships before my marriage. However, they were far from healthy in most cases. My BPD symptoms were so intense that I sabotaged many of these partnerships and frequently picked verbal fights. My fear of abandonment was also so strong that during and after any conflict, I would feel terrified and full of self-hatred.
Although I wouldn't say that my BPD is cured, I have noticed that my symptoms have lessened. Due to therapy and ongoing work, I don't see the same dramatic insecurities coming up within my marriage. For example, I don't feel the same urges to control my husband or manipulate him into not leaving me.
I also feel a lot more stable within my relationship. My emotional state, in general, is calmer than it used to be. Additionally, I can handle small arguments or differences in opinion without feeling like my marriage is ending. Overall, I experience less of the fear of being left.
Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage with BPD
Here are some of the tips I use to maintain a healthy marriage while living with BPD:
- Accept the differences: My husband and I have different political views and values. At the start of our relationship, we used to fight a lot, and I used to take the conflicts personally. Now, I try to accept that we see the world differently and look for common ground in our discussions.
- Accept responsibility: In previous relationships, I would put the burden of my emotional state on my partner. Now, I try to take more responsibility for my mental wellbeing. For example, I take time-outs when I'm getting too stimulated and focus on soothing myself.
- Don't obsess about the future: As I have anxiety, I often get caught in obsessing about future scenarios, including ones related to my marriage. However, I try to notice when my brain gets stuck in thought loops and take myself out of the situation. I might distract myself with another activity or have a nap.
- Trust more: I am a controlling person by nature. However, I try to trust my husband to do the things he says he will do. Additionally, I try to recognize when I am struggling with paranoid thought patterns and distract myself until I can rationalize them.
- Pursue friendships: I am not the most social person in the world. However, I struggle if I only get interaction from my husband. He encourages me to actively pursue friendships, and I try to make time for socialization with others.
- Commit: I think that maintaining a healthy marriage has a lot to do with mindset. I remind myself that I chose this path for various reasons. As such, I try not to play into fears of being trapped or other commitment-related obsessions.
In the video below, I talk about how I deal with my fear of commitment and abandonment within my marriage:
How do you maintain a healthy marriage or long-term relationship? Let me know in the comments section below.
APA Reference
Beveridge, K.
(2021, September 30). How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage with Borderline PD, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, December 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2021/9/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-marriage-with-borderline-pd
Author: Kate Beveridge
I’ve been married 10 years and I have struggled with my bpd , I get very angry very fast and it becomes explosive. I just learned today what bpd does to us because I was to stubborn to care. My wife is putting me on trial and if I don’t make changes she is going to leave me. She is the love of my life and I’ll do anything to make my life better so she stays. I have made so many bad choices and she’s taking space as we speak and it breaks my heart every single day she is not there in my life . Bpd is so serious and I’m only starting to address it now. I need to recognize my patterns which I see now clear as day . I go from 0-100 instantly and I have to identify it and soothe my mind and heart. I bought 2 books to help ones called “ Anything can be healed “ the other is how to understand and manage bpd. I’ve almost killed my self few days ago and almost succeeded, it’s terrible I have 2 kids a 10 year old and a 16 month old. I also almost harmed a family in my attempt. I’m going to do this whether she stays or goes and it will destroy my heart if she goes. I did this and I can change this. So can you ! You really can! Identify it self soothe and focus on the task at hand ( which is your head ) thoughts lead to sensations , which leads to actions and then consequences. Don’t let this happen to you . Don’t give up!!
First, I hope you are ok and have made the progress you were hoping to make. I'm here reading all of these things to help my BPD because I am in the exact same position you were in a year ago. My wife told me that she was DONE and wanted a divorce and I thank the Lord Almighty that she was willing to dial that back and have space between us and give me a chance to seek professional help and to do work on my own to try and save this marriage. My BPD has destroyed every single relationship I've ever had with another person including my parents. My wife is the love of my life and if I lost her because of this disorder I know my soul would be crushed and I'm not sure I would be able to come back from that. I guess I'm just writing this because it's reassuring that I'm not alone in this situation. I hope you're doing well.
I "fit" the profiles of many personality disorders....repeated sexual abuse, starting in my early childhood, and continuing in my teen and adult years, has turned me into a woman who cannot cope with the smallest of "trumas" nor can I maintain a relationship of any kind....healthy or not. I've never gotten any justice, acknowledgement or compassion. Rather, I was "scapegoated" for many of the incidents. I know this has happened to other people....women and men. We carry the burden of the entire thing....eventhough we did not ask for any of it, in any way. "Blame the Victim" is a term that I know all too well. Neither counseling nor medication provide relief to me now. All of my family and friends have abandoned me. the only "remedy" I can conceive of is becoming someone else, erasing any memory of the past, and writing a new "script"...a new IDENTITY....for myself, and starting over. This will not be easy, but it seems to be the only answer for me. Best wishes to others who suffer.
Hi, I struggle so much with so many things and one of them is bpd. I have raged, felt out of control and been unable to really keep relationships going. I have found peace, calmness, strengthening, and filling the "void" by my relationship with Jesus. Letting God take the "reigns" of my life has helped me so much. If we let God in, He knows how to heal us and what works best and when. Lean on Him for help, love, serenity, the peace that only He can give. Ask God for help. Ask Him to show up and make Himself real to you. Hope you feel better. He loves you so much. You are worth getting better.
Congrats on the both of you for growing such an understanding commitment to each other. Dealing with Borderline is no joke; I got diagnosed last year. But it’s amazing to see action being taken to keep it from breaking something as important as a year of marriage! A lot of episodes can happen in a year, and I know how random and extreme they can get. Anyway, I enjoy your website and feeling company with this disorder. I’m the only one in my life that can understand completely, but am so thankful for the ones that don’t and still commit to loving me anyway.
You know it’s bad when you pat yourself down n the back for staying married a single year