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How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage with Borderline PD

September 30, 2021 Kate Beveridge

I just celebrated my first marriage anniversary. When I was younger, my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms were so intense that I struggled to maintain long-term, healthy relationships. However, I have adopted some strategies to keep my marriage and myself healthy. 

Navigating One Year of Marriage with BPD

I had multiple long-term relationships before my marriage. However, they were far from healthy in most cases. My BPD symptoms were so intense that I sabotaged many of these partnerships and frequently picked verbal fights. My fear of abandonment was also so strong that during and after any conflict, I would feel terrified and full of self-hatred.

Although I wouldn't say that my BPD is cured, I have noticed that my symptoms have lessened. Due to therapy and ongoing work, I don't see the same dramatic insecurities coming up within my marriage. For example, I don't feel the same urges to control my husband or manipulate him into not leaving me. 

I also feel a lot more stable within my relationship. My emotional state, in general, is calmer than it used to be. Additionally, I can handle small arguments or differences in opinion without feeling like my marriage is ending. Overall, I experience less of the fear of being left. 

Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage with BPD

Here are some of the tips I use to maintain a healthy marriage while living with BPD:

  1. Accept the differences: My husband and I have different political views and values. At the start of our relationship, we used to fight a lot, and I used to take the conflicts personally. Now, I try to accept that we see the world differently and look for common ground in our discussions.
  2. Accept responsibility: In previous relationships, I would put the burden of my emotional state on my partner. Now, I try to take more responsibility for my mental wellbeing. For example, I take time-outs when I'm getting too stimulated and focus on soothing myself. 
  3. Don't obsess about the future: As I have anxiety, I often get caught in obsessing about future scenarios, including ones related to my marriage. However, I try to notice when my brain gets stuck in thought loops and take myself out of the situation. I might distract myself with another activity or have a nap.
  4. Trust more: I am a controlling person by nature. However, I try to trust my husband to do the things he says he will do. Additionally, I try to recognize when I am struggling with paranoid thought patterns and distract myself until I can rationalize them.
  5. Pursue friendships: I am not the most social person in the world. However, I struggle if I only get interaction from my husband. He encourages me to actively pursue friendships, and I try to make time for socialization with others. 
  6. Commit: I think that maintaining a healthy marriage has a lot to do with mindset. I remind myself that I chose this path for various reasons. As such, I try not to play into fears of being trapped or other commitment-related obsessions.

In the video below, I talk about how I deal with my fear of commitment and abandonment within my marriage:

How do you maintain a healthy marriage or long-term relationship? Let me know in the comments section below.

APA Reference
Beveridge, K. (2021, September 30). How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage with Borderline PD, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, November 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2021/9/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-marriage-with-borderline-pd



Author: Kate Beveridge

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Tanya
November, 17 2021 at 10:34 pm

Congrats on the both of you for growing such an understanding commitment to each other. Dealing with Borderline is no joke; I got diagnosed last year. But it’s amazing to see action being taken to keep it from breaking something as important as a year of marriage! A lot of episodes can happen in a year, and I know how random and extreme they can get. Anyway, I enjoy your website and feeling company with this disorder. I’m the only one in my life that can understand completely, but am so thankful for the ones that don’t and still commit to loving me anyway.

Ezra
October, 4 2021 at 5:14 pm

You know it’s bad when you pat yourself down n the back for staying married a single year

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