I've experienced suicidal thoughts with borderline personality disorder (BPD), so I thought I'd share my experience and some facts about suicide and BPD. The topic of suicide has received a large amount of attention in the media as of late with celebrity suicides. With the death of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, it’s brought up old experiences and feelings about my own history as a woman living with borderline personality disorder. While I don’t feel this way today, I am no stranger to the feeling of not wanting to be alive. Self-harm, suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts are a part of living with borderline personality disorder. They are a distinguishing symptom when making this diagnosis. In the vein of opening up a conversation about suicide awareness, I’m going to share some important suicide facts and personal experience about suicidal thoughts and borderline personality disorder. Most importantly, I will share my hope. 

Borderline personality disorder splitting (BPD), in its simplest form, is seeing the world through extremes (Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms, Diagnosis). It’s a highly polarized way of perceiving the world around us. It’s a rigid way of perceiving things. It means someone always has to be "good" and another has to be "bad."  In the video below, I’ll explain what borderline personality disorder splitting looks like for me and within this post, will explain ways I’ve learned not to split and to have a more realistic and balanced view of the world around me.

It's rare to find positive commentary on borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits. Negativity, stigma, insults, and fear are the most dominant narratives about BPD (What Borderline Personality Disorder Feels Like Inside). Whether you are living with BPD or you love someone with BPD, life doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Is it possible there is an unforeseen positive side to living with this diagnosis? I believe the answer is yes. Those living with borderline personality disorder traits can also  be creative, passionate, deeply grateful, and loyal women and men. We can learn to embrace the benefits of borderline personality disorder.

I fake smile on my bad days, but many people never know it. In fact, many people are surprised to learn that I am a woman living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Some were surprised when I first started writing this blog because I didn't fit their ideas and molds ascribed to women living with this diagnosis (Stigma of BPD). I’m perceived by many as happy, joyful, well put together, composed, and intelligent. (As if these things are mutually exclusive from living with severe mental illness.) And the reality is that on many days, these words do describe me wholeheartedly. The thing about living with BPD (or any serious mental illness) is that the world keeps on spinning even on our darker and tougher days. Just because I’m going through it doesn’t mean my responsibilities and commitments cease. Fake smiles are actually important.

Learning what borderline personality disorder (BPD) feels like can clear up the misunderstandings and stigma associated with BPD. While behaviors on the outside may be interpreted as malicious or manipulative, what's actually going on on the inside of someone who is struggling with this illness? I believe with understanding comes compassion. With the video below, my hope is to shed a little bit of light as to what borderline anxiety, shame, and anger feel like on the inside.

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can learn to manage panic attacks by using the five senses. If we can train ourselves to consciously and positively stimulate the five senses during emotional distress, we with borderline might manage panic attacks with more success (Mental Illness Can Overstimulate Your Brain).

Intense emotions and panic are hard to go through. As a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD), I have intense emotions all day, every day. It never stops. There is no complete relief. The best way for me to cope with feeling so emotionally charged is to distract myself with an activity. This could be cleaning, exercising, reading, watching television, playing and snuggling with my pets, cooking, listening to music, writing, or many other coping activities. I've come to realize that borderlines can deal with intense emotions and panic.

One well-known symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is emotional intensity, which appears to the rest of the world as drama. A good first step for someone just learning of a BPD diagnosis might be to learn how to engage an observer part of him/herself. In other words, we borderlines need to learn how to think and feel at the same time.

I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I usually cringe when I hear someone say, "Choose to be happy." First I feel angry at the whole world for not understanding me. After I realize that I'm being a victim and blaming others for my pain, I then shift the blame to myself. I punish myself, and think, "It's my fault I can't choose to be happy. Something is wrong with me. I'm defective. I'm not trying hard enough."

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) sometimes manipulate others to get the comfort or attention we need. Often, we don't even realize that we are being manipulative. Many of us never learned how to honestly ask for what we need or want. It starts with emotional pain. If we don't get the support we need in the midst of that pain, often feelings of anger arise, and we progress into new or worsening depression. Manipulation tactics then come into play, fueled by our anger that no one understands us. Manipulation in borderline personality disorder is important to understand.