How to Feel Secure When Insecurity Affects Your Attitude

Recently, I had the frustrating experience of working with someone who had a defensive attitude. When asked to preform a task, she was disrespectful and made excuses. Even emailing curt, disrespectful statements to those who work above her. Hardly a team player, when asked why a task wasn't complete, she blamed everyone but herself. It got me thinking, what is the function for her defensiveness? The answer: insecurity.

Defensive and aggressive attitudes are often associated with people who have insecurity and low self-esteem. A person who likes themselves doesn't treat others poorly, in fact they treat others the way they want to be treated. Like a mirror, they reflect how they want to feel by the way the interact with others. The way you communicate with other people shows them how you feel about yourself. Often times if you are dealing difficult people can make you question your abilities, that is a sure sign that this person is attempting to project their insecurity on to you. Don't let them.

Think about this, if you were the victim of bullying as a child, you were likely told that "they are just jealous of you." Which, as a child makes absolutely no sense, why would someone be mean to me then? Your parents, guidance counselor, or teachers were on to something. The truth is bullies, or mean people are mean because they don't know how to communicate their feelings effectively, they also are often victims of bullying themselves and attempt to feel better about themselves by putting others down. This only works for so long until they realize that it's actually an icky feeling and makes others want to avoid them, instead of embrace them.

How Your Attitude Makes You Look Insecure

Myth: I should tell others what they need to hear.

Fact: A young woman I work with said every time she told her friend about someone she had a crush one, her "friend" would tell her why she shouldn't, either criticizing her or her romantic interest. Being critical and harsh instead of curious and supportive makes you look insecure. A secure person will read others and think before they say a word. Even a supportive, "How exciting!" can make a huge difference. You don't always have to express your full opinion.

Think about this, your friend asks your advice on a hideous outfit. Do you say, "OMG that's so ugly?" or, "I like the first one you showed me better. It looked good with your shoes." Being respectful is an important trait of a secure person.

Myth: It's never fully my fault; I shouldn't take the blame.

Fact: It's true that nothing is ever fully your fault, and at the same time, you may need to own up to what you did wrong. Defensiveness appears insecure. You are human and you have made mistakes, so have some humility instead of a harsh attitude. Instead, try: "It's hard for me to take all the blame but I know I needed to do (task at hand). I could use some help with this, and others don't seem to be pitching in. Could you help me?" Or "You're right I totally messed up and I am so sorry. Let me fix it right now."

Myth: Admitting you're in the wrong is a weakness.

Fact: Everyone messes up; I do often. Instead of blaming circumstances or others, I get honest with myself and others. "You are right, I totally blanked on that. I'm sorry; let me get to it right away." Instead of, "Well no one reminded me to do it.", or "You have no idea how many other things I had to do." People respect others and themselves are honest.

Myth: I should point out others' flaws; I deserve let them know what I think of them.

Fact: If you want people to like you or think you are secure, then you should try to be a bit more careful with expressing yourself. Instead of calling someone a jerk or a passive-aggressive punk, try to withhold the criticism. How does this help you anyway, doesn't it make you appear rude and hard to work with or be around? Instead, try using a more strategic, problem-solving response. "I am feeling like your frustrated with me. What can we do to resolve this?" Don't engage in the name calling. It will only make you look immature and insecure.

Have more questions? Ask by posting your comments below. And remember, even a little adjustment towards acceptance instead of defensiveness, will make you appear and feel more secure.

Emily is the author of Express Yourself: A Teen Girls Guide to Speaking Up and Being Who You Are.You can visit Emily’s Guidance Girl website. You can also find her on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.