What I've Learned from My Depression and Suicide Attempts
National Suicide Prevention Week stirs up a lot of emotion in me. I rarely involve myself in suicide awareness activities, most of which occur annually this week in early September. Depression is something I am eager to talk about with anyone but I'm not ready to share my suicide stories or hear others' suicide stories in a public venue yet.
I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to end my life. My first attempt happened when I was a very young child. The latest was just over a year ago.
I think about suicide a lot every day, just as much as I wonder why I'm alive or what my purpose is on this planet. I regard my mortality with interest; it's neither good or bad. I decided years ago that I simply cannot put my family through the amount of pain my death would cause and that decision keeps me safe most of the time.
When my decision to avoid suicide for my family's sake starts to crumble and I feel impulsive, I reach out to my therapist first. She often helps me decide if I need extra support. Sometimes I just take myself to the emergency department without telling anyone ahead of time. I know that I'm in crisis and know that I need to be stabilized as soon as possible.
I've also lost count of the number of times I've been hospitalized for suicide attempts and risk. The numbers don't matter. The only thing that matters is that I'm still here.
It's Common to Worry About Others' Reactions to Your Depression and Suicidal Thoughts
It can be really difficult to admit you need help with your mental health. It's even harder to share that you feel suicidal. I think that's the reason I often take myself to the hospital in crisis and then tell my family after; I worry so much about my family worrying about me that it takes my stress levels to even higher heights.
There are many common warning signs in a person who is considering suicide, but sometimes those warning signs can last longer than immediate crisis. For example, hopelessness and loss of interest in school or work are common symptoms of depression, and depression can last for years.
My biggest recommendation for suicide prevention is to watch for changes in the coping methods of your friends and family. The same goes for looking at your own risk. For example, if you notice yourself drinking or using drugs more than you would normally, that's something to pay attention to. If you aren't sure about your intentions, talk about them with someone you trust. Write them down so you can look at them from a different angle.
I wish there were a clear map I could give you to help you and your loved ones so you never came close to suicide. Unfortunately, no such map exists. The best tool is to talk about the full spectrum of human emotion. Make no topic taboo. Talking about suicide may make us feel uncomfortable, but the more we do it the less it alone people will feel when they have suicidal thoughts.
Keeping the conversation alive keeps us all alive.
You can also find Erin Schulthies on Twitter, Google+, Facebook and her blog, Daisies and Bruises: The Art of Living with Depression.
APA Reference
Schulthies, E.
(2014, September 11). What I've Learned from My Depression and Suicide Attempts, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, December 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/copingwithdepression/2014/09/my-lifetime-of-depression-and-suicide-attempts
Author: Erin Schulthies
I hope anyone reading this feels comforted or at least not so much alone. I can't believe I feel suicidal again. I'm 28. I died when I was 20. I purposely took 40 exctacy pills at one time. By the grace of God I was found. I came back a new person.. my new belief in God has gotten me this far even without any moral support of a family or friends. I continue to search for relationships to fill the voids but I keep finding abuse. I feel like I'm weak but in reality I am strong beyond most. I don't cope with my pain by afflicting it on others, I take it out on me! Which makes me strong just like u guys. This will pass and I will continue to be strong for others when God chooses for me to do so. You have to understand that if u are feeling this way it is because u are a good person and u are above your unfortunate circumstances. Please continue to be strong good-willed people. The world needs you OK.
I actually split my blog in 2 the link above deals more with chronic illness and this one http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2014/10/it-never-ceases-to-fascinate-me-how-god…
will focus on depression and PTSD Thanks!
I appreciate the way you speak so freely. I have only recently been able to do so. Starting my own blog is helping. It's not so much that I think about suicide as it is I don't want to be "here" anymore. So breaking from my routine helps. Taking off on an unscheduled drive. Going to the mall to people watch or treating myself to something yummy. Those are some of my distractions until the feeling passes. Mostly though I pray. Prayer for me is a conversation with God and ongoing one. If you might like to read my brand new blog it's- http://job6-3.blogspot.com/
Thank you!
I am completely different. I don't talk about what i am going to do. I always have a plan. It is the way i cope with my demons. I find that i act out compulsively. If i were to tell my family i would be smothered by them watching me all the time. I would rather go quietly then have others know what is going on in my head. While i am still here, you never know what the world holds. I do live life one day at a time sometimes it gets to hard. I have 3 weeks since my last attempt. And before that was 14 years. So it does get better and sometimes you are just a person of bad circumstances.
Your story sounds just like mine, suicide is always on my mind , but the thought of doing that to my mom, keeps me from acting on the thought most days, but deep down know I can't hold it back forever.
I've been dealing with depression for over 20 years. I've been to many therapists over the years and have countless journals that are supposed to help me by "getting my feelings out". I've been on so many different antidepressants that I've lost count. I'm not getting any better, and I know that I won't ever get any better. The dark cloud will recede for a short while only to come back again. The only thing that keeps me here is the knowledge that it will hurt my family if I am not. Just like a terminal illness, do I not have the right to end my own suffering? People talk of suicide as being "selfish" but is it not equally selfish of them to want me to stay in a world where I'm so desperately unhappy? I don't need to "talk to someone" I'm just putting a thought out here for anyone to comment on.
How do you make someone understand when you dont understand yourself?
How do you know when you need to be hospitalized. I get so suicidal that all I can do is google suicide, fantasize about my funeral, work out my plan in my head, count my pill stash. Everything feels so painful I just want relief. I feel like I need serious help but I also know that if I can hang on and wait till the next day I will get un triggered and things wont feel so desperate. This cycle keeps coming around, and around and I am so tired of it. I fear the next time it comes around I wont be able to fight it.
I am very sorry that you are going thru such a difficult time. I am glad that you have a therapist to talk with. I think you sharing this is a good thing. The only thing that came to my mind was about your 14 year old companion. Have you considered getting a second younger dog to add to your family. It will keep the older dog young and you will fall in love with the new puppy as it grows. I wish you well my dear. I will keep you in my prayers.
I have been suffering from depression for over 5 years now, and yes suicide seems my only way out at times. I wont leave my old dog, that's kept me alive. I know only certain "family" members will actually care if i committ suicide, i shouldnt say "care" they will be too ashamed to tell the truth to anyone. My job is a nightmare, many days i see only one way to be "free of all this pain" I see a therapist and I journal a lot. Medication has helped me and the therapist is the best but I still struggle and as the day is approaching that my old dog must go over the rainbow bridge I will be a mess and will not know how to handle losing him, the only person who has stayed by my side for over 14 years.
How do you talk about suicide with the people who care about you without hurting them? I have seen the pain in my family's eyes when I've done it in the past. I see the pain afterward as they worry. I see the lack of real understanding and feeling like they've failed me somehow. I can't bear that look in their eyes. I want to be able to share these feelings with people who understand but I can't post these feelings on most sites. There is no support group. I can only discuss it with my therapist who listens but is not a peer. I need to be able to share this anguish with someone who's been there but I don't know where to turn.
Jah love. Give thanks and praises for writing and sharing this article. I am so happy to read about someone else's coping mechanisms. I find that cannabis helps to alleviate a lot of the downward spiral. I can honestly say that cannabis helps to uplift me so that I can get up and go with daily life. I just wish that I had money to buy it and that it was legal everywhere. Blessed love.