Suicide Is No Longer An Option

I have been blogging about mental illness and addiction for two years. I have covered a wide variety of topics that, at times, have been very intense and revealing. One subject I have not touched on at great length is suicide. It is something that I have not been willing to disclose, but I do believe there is healing in the process of sharing one’s feelings, even if it is about something so personal.

A Cry for Help?

I have attempted suicide four times; all in the 1980’s. It’s interesting the comments you hear people make about suicide being “a cry for help.” I believe this is true but I think it is so much more than that. For me, it describes the end of the road where I am alone and lost. A place I would never even wish my worst enemy to be.

My first experience was in college. It was fueled by a major psychotic episode and aided by my relatively new addiction to marijuana. I will not go into the method because that is not the important part. What I will say, however, is that this experience changed my life forever. In that moment I felt that I had nowhere to turn and no one I could trust.

My successive attempts came over the next five years. The difference was that they were due to major depression. The kind that makes you feel like you’re in a 15-foot hole with a 10-foot ladder. You know, like there’s no way out. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Fortunately, I was able to receive help through empathetic counselors and insightful psychiatrists. More importantly, deep down inside, I wanted to live…and not feel the crushing pain of depression. Another crucial part of recovery was my choice to stop using drugs and alcohol. By putting down these harmful substances I was able to get a clearer picture of what my problem was. I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Findings New Options

I do recognize what I could have done differently back then. Instead of bottling up all of my feelings, I should have reached out for help. It was just that at my immature age I was afraid of what people would say.

Looking back at the time, suicide appeared to be my only option. Now I know that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have been able to develop a viable support system comprised of family, friends, church, 12-Step members, and my Higher Power. I am no longer alone.