Confessions of a Dissociative Identity Disorder Writer

I have dissociative identity disorder (DID), and since I write about DID, it may seem like living and functioning with this disorder is possible. But is that the reality? Dissociative identity disorder is a complex disorder. There are dozens of symptoms for DID and no concrete cure. This disorder affects all aspects of your life. And even though I'm a DID writer who seems to have it together when it comes to my disorder, I have a confession to make.

My Name Is Crystalie, and I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder

When I introduce myself to new people, I don't tell them that I have DID. Most times, people can tell that something is off with me, but they can't pinpoint exactly what it is. It takes me a while to open up and tell people about my life with DID. Even then, most of the time, I say I have DID and leave it at that. I don't tell them how easy or hard my life is. I don't tell them much of anything.

I Write About DID But Must Confess

There are the people I meet who know me from my writing about DID here at HealthyPlace. They already know I have DID because they've read about me, my history and my experiences. They reach out to me for support. They share their struggles with me. They look to me as a source of hope.

When I started writing Dissociative Living over two years ago, I intended to write about DID from both educational and real-life perspectives. I have a background in psychology. I also have the experience of living with this disorder every day, something that most professionals don't have. I wanted to provide a view of dissociative identity disorder that textbooks lack. I wanted to write about what life really feels like with DID.

The Reality of My Life with DID

Two weeks ago, I found myself sitting in a room in my intensive outpatient program, processing the news that I was going to be hospitalized later that day. I had been struggling for months. My system was a mess. Parts of me wanted to die, and I was too tired to fight to live. I let dissociation rule my life; instead of trying to control it, I denied dissociation.

As I waited for the ambulance to come and transport me to the hospital, I opened up about my DID with the woman that was waiting with me. She asked me questions; I answered. I shared my writing here with her. I trusted her enough to share that side of me.

She read through some of my work, and then she asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since: "Why don't you take your own advice?"

Writing About DID Doesn't Mean I'm Cured or Managing Better

I never realized it before, or maybe I did and chose to ignore it. I write a lot about how to cope with DID symptoms, about how important it is to reach out for support, to be honest in therapy, and to work with your system. And here I was, on my way to inpatient hospitalization because I had been doing the exact opposite of what I've been writing about.

I confess. I'm a bit of a mess. I'm also a bit stubborn. My life with DID is difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know everything. The things I do know, I don't put into practice.

I've been believing that there is hope for others, but no hope for me. That's not true. I'm going to start taking my own advice.

My name is Crystalie, and I'm struggling with my DID.