Sleep Is My Escape from Schizoaffective Disorder

Sleep is my escape, and I need it because schizoaffective disorder causes so much stress in my life. I also suffer a lot from schizoaffective depression. Sleep is an escape -- like a magic getaway. I look forward to going to sleep every night.

Sleep Is My Escape, and this Schizoaffective Loves to Sleep

I cherish going to bed at night. My favorite sleep environment is when my apartment is cool enough so that I can put on my favorite pajamas and burrow under the covers. In the summer I can’t really do that, and sometimes in the winter, our radiator heat is cranked up so high that PJs aren’t an option then either. But even if I have to sleep in my underwear on top of the blankets with a fan on, sleep is my welcome escape.

Sleep has been a welcome escape since I was little—before I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I used to like to daydream as I fell asleep. I would daydream about the Beatles or characters in books I’d read. Later, in high school, I would daydream about boys I liked.

These days, though, I don’t do much daydreaming. I just lie in bed waiting for sleep to come. I take my medication for my schizoaffective disorder at night, so that helps me fall asleep. Sometimes, if I can’t get to sleep right away, I play on my phone a little bit or go on Facebook.

I remember when I was little and really trying to be a happy, adventurous person. I was really puzzled by why I wanted to lay down all the time. But the truth was that I had created a fantasy world that I could only re-create alone, in my mind, under the covers. Again, I don’t have much of a fantasy world lately. I have to admit that, now, I lay down to avoid reality, not to create a new reality.

I Try to Keep My Sleep Cycle Normal Even Though Sleep Is My Escape

But I do avoid napping during the day because I don’t want to ruin my chances of falling asleep at night. I used to stay up all night and sleep all day, and that felt really lonely. After a tough battle to normalize my sleep cycle, I don’t want to ruin that by sleeping during the day.

When I’m in bed, waiting to go to sleep, it’s the one time I am mostly free from depression or other schizoaffective symptoms. I know that in itself may sound depressing, but it’s true. I look forward to going to sleep every night, even if I have to weather through a hellish day to get there.