A National men's health conference held in Alice Springs has heard programs to cut suicide rates among young gay people may be missing their mark.

John Howard from the Macquarie University in Sydney says research is showing that attempted and successful suicide rates are as high as 28 per cent of young men between 15 and 17 years.

Dr Howard says many of the attempted suicides occur before the teenagers become sexually active, and openly identify themselves as gay, so they are unlikely to use programs targetting gay men.

"By and large these kids are still hiding, they're still hidden, they're still in the closet, they're still unsure, they're still anxious they are still afraid," he said.

He reccommended strategies to stop homphobia and bullying. "Encourage your kids not to - [for] most kids in primary school, the worst insult they can give to each other is calling each other a fag."

Source: ABC News Online

 

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Searching for a Way Out

"I never had a low self-esteem that would make me gay. At one point, though, the reverse happened. Being homosexual led me to have a loss of self-esteem when I first became aware of society's attitudes about homosexuality." --Aaron Fricke, Reflections of a Rock Lobster

For a number of years, researchers have known that one-third of all teenagers who commit suicide are gay. In one sense, this statistic is incredibly shocking because, according to the Kinsey Report, gay teens only comprise one-tenth of the teen population. This means that they are 300 percent more likely to kill themselves than heterosexual youth. In another sense, it is predictable that gay teens kill themselves more often than other young people simply because their life chances are so limited by social and legal discrimination. Only when this discrimination is eliminated will these shocking statistics change.

Examples of discrimination are ubiquitous. In 42 states, gays have no legal protection from employment or housing discrimination. Worse, laws put on the books during colonial times still criminalize homosexual acts in 25 states. These laws were upheld in 1986 by the Supreme Court in the Bowers v. Hardwick case.

Thus young gay individuals realize that they must hide their identity for fear of social and legal consequences which can destroy their lives. Homosexuals can be fired, evicted, kept from their own biological children, restricted from adopting children, and imprisoned for sodomy. The homosexuality of historical figures has been systematically left out of education in the public schools, giving gay youth the false impression that gays have never affected history in a positive way.

Also, on a purely social level, many gay teens run the risk of losing their friends or being thrown out of their homes if they either come out or are inadvertently outed. Admittedly, there is a direct relation between the social perception of gays and the rights accorded to gays. Many Christians and Jews believe that God considers homosexual acts sinful. Others believe homosexuality goes against nature. These beliefs continue to fuel legal discrimination against gays. Many just don't realize that these legal loopholes leave gays completely vulnerable to homophobes.

But laws should not be based on public prejudice. Our country has a long history of discriminating legally against groups that were stigmatized socially; the Chinese, the Irish, and Blacks are examples. Both the social front and the legal front must be addressed. It is more important to have the legal protections in place first. To compare this to African-American history, one reason that de facto segregation could be fought was that de jure segregation was found illegal in 1954. The legal protections enable the social discourse to continue peacefully.

For a brief moment after President Clinton's election, gays and supporters of gay rights were hopeful because they thought he would lead the battle for gay rights. One of his first acts after lifting the moratorium on fetal research and the "Gag Rule" was an attempt to lift the ban on gays in the military. But when President Clinton met resistance, he showed his true colors. When the pressure was on, he backed down on gay rights and agreed to a weak "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue" policy which was struck down last month by a federal district court as a limit on free speech.

The Republican victory in the 1994 elections has given the conservative Right the false impression that they have a mandate to trample on the rights of gays. They are winning votes and support through fear. They rely on old myths and stereotypes that homosexuals are promiscuous and pedophilic.

These accusations are ludicrous: A study released last year stated that a child's risk of being molested by a heterosexual may be more than 100 times greater than being abused by a homosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. Another myth is that AIDS is a gay disease or that gays are responsible for the epidemic. AIDS affects nine times as many heterosexuals as homosexuals worldwide. It was American gays who brought the disease to the public's attention, not the Reagan Administration, who would not even mention the word AIDS until 1987. And it was gays who lobbied for research money and the distribution of information to the public.

All of this discrimination has hurt young gay teens. Their futures are still uncertain because of various legal and legislative battles across the country. Right now gays are most threatened at the federal level. On the first day of the 104th Congress, Jesse Helms introduced a bill to stop government agencies from using taxpayer funds to "encourage its employees or officials to accept homosexuality as a legitimate or normal lifestyle." Newt Gingrich has promised a hearing on the possibility of withholding federal funds from schools that "promote homosexuality."

Debating gay rights in Congress brings with it the risk that all the progress that has been made on local levels could be erased. Gay rights are a patchwork of different ordinances; therefore, an act that is protected in one state is criminalized in another. The risk is if Gingrich and Helms have their way with instituting anti-gay legislation, it could override local ordinances that protect gays from all sorts of discrimination. Also, the Supreme Court has agreed to review Colorado's Amendment Two decision in Evans v. Romer which affirmed gay rights. This too could put gay rights in jeopardy nationally since the court has a conservative majority.

The Federal level is not the only place gays face jeopardy. Almost any right wing coalition can get an anti-gay initiative on local ballots. The most recent blow to gay Americans came in Montana in late March. The Montana Senate approved with a voice vote a measure that would put gays and lesbians in the same category as violent felons. If this measure passes, gays and lesbians would be required by law to register their location with the state for the rest of their lives. Also, California Governor, Pete Wilson, has changed a state policy so that, starting in March 1995, gay couples can no longer adopt children. Similarly, Nebraska will no longer place children with people who identify themselves as homosexual.

But the news is not all bad for America's gays. In Massachusetts, for example, Governor Weld has formed the Commission of Gay and Lesbian Youth to come up with strategies to stop gay teen suicide. Last year the only two anti-gay initiatives on the ballot were rejected in Idaho and Oregon. Hawaii may soon legalize gay marriages. Minnesota, New Jersey, Vermont, and Wisconsin have gay rights protections.

The battle for gay rights has always been a Sisyphian struggle: winning rights in one place while losing rights in another. But each battle is important because the fate of 25 million Americans lies in the balance. As Newt Gingrich and his lesbian half-sister show, discriminating against gays usually involves discriminating against one's own friends and family.

If suicide is going to cease to be so high for gay teens, then the country must make spaces in which it is safe to come out. This means removing discriminatory statutes in the workplace, real estate, and the political arena. Activists can still hope that this will be the gay '90s, but the battle for legal and social equality must rage on.

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These are news accounts, obituaries, and the like of gay teens who committed suicide. The ridicule and harassment they faced, the confusion over their sexuality, was too much to bear. The rejection of their most basic 'self-ness' was too much to handle.

I believe it's important to bring these stories to light. Think about it, should anyone (your son, friend, even a complete stranger) be made to feel so bad about who they are that they want to kill themselves? Read these stories and please consider what you can do to make a difference.

1. Who Pays The Price Of Hatred?

2. Why Did Robbie Kirkland Have To Die?

3. Darren's Boyfriend's Gay - Suicide Information Page

 

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Hamed Nastoh, age 14.

March 28, 2000 - Cadman - School Bullying Stories Make Your Blood Boil

Ottawa - In the House of Commons yesterday, Surrey North MP, Chuck Cadman called for action on school violence. His message was framed in a Member's Statement about the death of Hamed Nastoh, the Surrey teen who took his own life on March 11 this year after incessant harassment at school. Following is the text of Cadman's statement:

Mr. Speaker, on March 11, 14 year old Hamed Nastoh left a note for his parents, climbed onto the Pattullo Bridge and jumped to his death in the Fraser River; the final desperate act of a teenager who saw no other way out. There was no escape from the constant taunting, teasing and bullying at the hands of fellow students. He was violently punched at least once, yet he said little, if anything, of his torment. Bullying usually brings to mind images of children in shoving matches. At the junior and high school levels, what is commonly referred to as bullying is nothing less than criminal harassment and assault. It must not be tolerated. Bullies survive through intimidation. They thrive on fear, the victim's fear to come forward. When victims do muster the courage to speak out, there is usually very little by way of consequence to the perpetrator, who then feels even more empowered to escalate the harassment. The victim usually moves to another school and the bully finds a new victim. Hamed's death was preventable. I plead with young people to speak up. I beg of parents to listen and watch for the signs. I demand of educators to identify and remove the predators.

"I've lost count of the number of phone calls and letters I've received over the years from parents of kids who are being harassed at or near their schools. I've had parents with their kids in my office in tears with stories that make your blood boil. Now we have seen the ultimate tragedy, the loss of a young life. We hear plenty of talk about zero tolerance, mediation and conflict resolution but talk is cheap. It has to be backed up with strong, decisive action. No kid should be afraid to go to school. Schools must be safe havens for those who are there to learn - the vast majority. Those who see the school as nothing more than their own personal hunting ground must be removed," says Cadman.

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These are the stories of those "left behind." They are accounts of the daily pain of surviving the suicide of a loved one; a son, a brother, a close friend. You try and figure out what went wrong. Why, this young man felt so bad that he saw no other way out. You continually ask yourself: "what could I have done to make a difference? Why didn't I see it coming?"

What about this young gay teen made him feel so bad about himself and his life?

1. About Joey
2. A Mother's Letter To Her Gay Son

 

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Robbie Kirkland, age 14.

Gay People's Chronicle February 21, 1997
by Doreen Cudnik

Cleveland-- During the early morning hours of Thursday, January 2, fourteen-year-old Robbie Kirkland walked through his sister Claudia's bedroom and climbed the stairs to the attic. He had gone into his father's room earlier the same day, where he found the key to the lock on his father's gun. Before walking away with the weapon and some ammunition, he put the keys back exactly where he had found them.

Alone with his secret and the loaded gun, Robbie decided once and for all to put an end to the life that caused him so much sadness and confusion. Pulling the trigger, he reasoned, would stop the turmoil he felt inside. He wouldn't have to keep his secret any more.

Robbie Kirkland had grown weary of being different. He was gay; and in Robbie Kirkland's mind, death seemed like the easier option.

"Robbie was a very loving, gentle boy," said his mother Leslie Sadasivan, a registered nurse who lives in the affluent Cleveland suburb of Strongsville with her husband, Dr. Peter Sadasivan, their four-year-old daughter Alexandria, and until his death, Robbie.

She remembered her only son as a very bright boy who was a good writer and an avid reader. "He wrote beautiful poetry . . . he was a very sweet, loving son."

Taught diversity at home

While she was pregnant with Robbie, Leslie's marriage to her first husband, FBI agent John Kirkland, was in serious trouble. She had a difficult pregnancy and nearly miscarried. But with her strong faith to sustain her, she persevered, and on February 22, 1982 gave birth to a healthy baby boy by Caesarean section.

"Because my marriage was suffering at the time, I felt like [Robbie] was God's gift to me. I saw this child as part of the reason I kept going. I had to . . . there was this helpless little baby."

She was divorced from Kirkland shortly after Robbie was born. When Robbie was two, she married her second husband, Peter Sadasivan. Robbie seemed to accept his step-dad and developed a close relationship with him over the years.

Robbie and his older sisters Danielle and Claudia were raised in a very religious, yet open and accepting home. (Danielle is presently away at college, and Claudia now lives at her father's Lakewood home, where Robbie was visiting the night he died.)

Because of her deep religious convictions and because her new husband was Indian, Leslie taught her children to respect people of of all races and nationalities. This appreciation for diversity included gay and lesbian people.

She remembered a time when she hired a lesbian couple to put up wallpaper in their home. "I remember telling the kids, 'Now, you might see them give each other a hug or a kiss, and that's okay'."

Conflicting messages outside

While Robbie had so many positive messages given to him at home, at the same time he was receiving conflicting messages from outside. He learned at a very young age that, unlike his mother, not everyone thought that being different was a good thing.

Faith played a large role in determining how Leslie Sadasivan raised her children. A devout Catholic, she took her kids with her to St. John Neumann Church, a large suburban parish that was dedicated the same year Robbie was born. She involved them all in youth-related church activities, and considered the tuition that was paid to provide her kids with a Catholic education as an investment in their future.

"I saw it as a way to protect them and give them the best education," she said. "I also wanted them to be raised Catholic, because I do believe in the church. I don't believe in everything the church says, but I find my comfort and spirituality in the church. I wanted [my children] to have that foundation."

When Robbie was in the third grade at St. Joseph's school in Strongsville, he asked to be transferred to another school. He told his mother that the other kids were teasing him. He started the fourth grade at Incarnate Word Academy, the school that his sister Danielle was already attending. As he neared his last year at Incarnate Word, Robbie seemed to flourish academically as well as socially. He made friends and served on the student council.

But the poetry he wrote reflected a deep despair and sense of isolation that went well beyond the problems of most twelve year olds.

While Leslie does not know if the verbal harassment her son endured ever escalated to physical violence, a poem written by Robbie in 1994 appears to be a very chilling account of an assault:

I try to stand and walk
I fall to the hard, cold ground.
The others look and laugh at my plight
Blood pours from my nose, I am not a pretty sight
I try to stand again but fall
To the others I call
But they don't care . . .

As Robbie entered the eighth grade at Incarnate Word, he seemed, at least on the surface, to be surviving all the difficulties that accompany adolescence. Below the surface, however, Robbie had begun searching for answers to the nagging questions about his sexuality.

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Exploring the Internet

On January 29, 1996, Robbie wrote a letter to his friend Jenine, a girl he met at Camp Christopher, a resident camp in Bath, Ohio run by the Diocese of Cleveland. Robbie told Jenine why other kids teased him, and indicated that he was well aware of the price one has to pay for being different.

"I'll tell you why people made fun of me," he wrote. "You see, I talk different . . . I have a slight lisp (S's come out th's) and I'm kinda well, sucky at sports. So people (only like a few people) have called me gay. They don't mean it, if they did I'd be beat up by now. You see, everyone in our school is homophobic (including me)."

In the same letter, Robbie tells her about his new pastime, the America Online computer service. "I love AOL. My favorite thing to do is chat."

The Sadasivans had purchased a computer for Christmas 1995, giving Robbie access to the Internet, a lifeline for many gay and lesbian teens. Like most adolescent boys, regardless of their sexual orientation, Robbie found his way through cyberspace directly to the porn sites.

One day while he was on the computer with his four-year-old daughter, Peter Sadasivan was shocked when images of nude men appeared on the screen. Robbie admitted to downloading the photos, but told his mother an elaborate story about being "blackmailed" as a way to explain.

"At this point, I didn't suspect that he was gay, because he was saying that this man blackmailed him. He was crying telling me this story," Leslie said.

First suicide attempt

Whether it was the shame he felt about the discovery of the downloaded images, his ongoing battle with depression, or that he was really in over his head with the Internet, during the next few months, Robbie began to sink deeper and deeper into despair.

On February 24, 1996, two days after his fourteenth birthday, Robbie attempted suicide for the first time. He took thirty Tylenol pain capsules and went to sleep. In a suicide note left at the time, he wrote: "Whatever you find, I'm not gay."

Only Robbie knows what happened in the month since he wrote the letter saying he loved AOL, and the next letter dated February 26 where he told Jenine that he had tried to commit suicide. But whatever it was, it frightened him.

Robbie wrote, "The reason why I tried to kill myself was because of stuff that happened that would take a novel to fill. I'll tell you a shortened version: 1. Every day now I fear for my life. 2. I fear on-line. 3. Something weird is going on with me and God--I don't like church masses [but] I still have faith in God."

He added, "[Numbers] one and two are connected."

John Kirkland remembers that the situation definitely got complicated as soon as the Internet came into play.

"I'm involved with investigations of people who entice both boys and girls through the Internet. Unfortunately, it's very common. I tried to explain to Robbie that people will try to get you to do all kinds of things through the Internet. But you can't be with a kid 24 hours a day."

Leslie began what would be an ongoing struggle with her son about his Internet usage, and considered cutting him off completely. "Right from the beginning, he was going on-line more than we allowed. It's almost like he was addicted to the computer and on-line," she said. "I know now that he was going into these gay chat rooms."

On March 29, about a month after the Tylenol incident, Robbie ran away from home.

"He had somebody's number from on-line," his mom said. "He took a bus to Chicago, but because he wasn't street smart, he got scared and turned himself in." Robbie had been gone less than 24 hours when John Kirkland flew to Chicago to retrieve him.

According to his father, Robbie offered no rational explanations for his actions during the ride home, but instead "gave whatever reason he thought he could get away with."

"It was very frustrating to us," John said. "I think he said what he thought would work so people would get off his butt about the real reasons."

Slowly, tentatively coming out

Clearly, Robbie's trip to Chicago alerted both his parents that their son was in serious trouble. His computer privileges were cut off, and shortly thereafter, he began seeing a therapist. Slowly and tentatively, Robbie began taking his first steps out of the closet, and his family began taking their first steps towards understanding.

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Leslie describes her first reaction to Robbie's attempt to come out as denial. "I asked the therapist, 'What's going on here? Is he just confused?' And the therapist said, 'No, he's gay'."

Slowly, Leslie moved towards acceptance and asked the therapist to recommend some resources for her son. "I said to the therapist, 'I don't care if my son's gay--I want him to be what God meant him to be'."

Robbie's journey towards understanding and accepting his homosexuality was not an issue for his dad.

"I was not going to lose my son over it," John Kirkland said. "I told him honestly, 'Some people are not going to like you because of this, Rob,' and he already knew that. I told him, 'If you were out dealing drugs, or hurting people, or robbing people, then you and I would have big problems. But I'm not going to have a problem with you over something like this, Rob. If it's what you are, it's what you are'."

His sisters and his parents all tried to let Robbie know that they loved him just the way he was. "However," John Kirkland said, "he had a tougher time accepting it himself."

Leslie recalled a conversation last May in which Robbie's therapist explained to her that being gay was not something Robbie was happy about. "He said that Robbie knew how hard this life was going to be--especially to survive the teenage years when you have to be so closeted because of what society says."

"I remember sitting down with him on the floor in his bedroom. I held his hand and said, 'Robbie, I am so very sorry. I didn't understand that this was not something you're happy about'."

Leslie apologized to her son and told him that she loved him. "From then on I had a better understanding of what a struggle this was for him," she said.

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Said no to support groups

Last summer, between eighth and ninth grade, Robbie found a way to get back on-line. He used a password that belonged to the father of his best friend, Christopher Collins, one of the few peers that Robbie told his secret to. Like Robbie's family, Christopher was open to the news.

"I just accepted it and decided not to stop being friends with him just because of one aspect of his personality," Christopher said.

Christopher's father stopped Robbie's access when he got the bill. Robbie paid him back for the on-line time and apologized for what he had done. Once again cut off from the computer, he began making calls to gay 900-number adult entertainment lines.

When his mother confronted him about the phone bill, again Robbie was apologetic.

"He was always very sorry," Leslie said. "Everything else in his life had always been honest and decent--I always trusted him. This behavior was uncharacteristic for him. This was the one thing that he felt he had to lie about because it was part of his expression of being gay."

Leslie suggested having a gay friend come over and talk to Robbie, and offered to take him to PRYSM, a support group for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth. Robbie said no to both. "I think he was fearful that his cover would be blown," Leslie said.

Macho culture in high school

After graduating from the eighth grade, Leslie let Robbie choose which high school he wanted to attend. He tested well enough to be offered a full scholarship to St. Edward High School in Lakewood, not far from his father's home. Instead, he chose St. Ignatius High School, a Jesuit preparatory school in Cleveland's near west side known for its academic excellence as well as its championship football program.

"He wanted to be a writer, and he felt that St. Ignatius was the best," Leslie said.

Choosing Ignatius also meant he would be going to school with Christopher Collins, and since Robbie had been having problems, Leslie felt that it would be best for him to be around at least one friend. Each day began with getting the boys off to school, and Leslie and Christopher's mom, Sharon, took turns making the 40-minute trek into the city.

Robbie's oldest sister Danielle is a sophomore at Miami University in Oxford. She remembered her women's studies instructor, Marcie Knopf, coming out to the class on the first day, and asked her about resources for Robbie.

"One of Danielle's biggest concerns was that she had gone to an all-girls Catholic high school, and she had a sense that for Robbie, entering the ninth grade at a Catholic all-boys high school was a really dangerous and scary thing," Knopf said.

"I'm familiar with the atmosphere at St. Ignatius," Danielle said. "They're very homophobic and driven by masculinity. The few guys that I did know that were gay had to really make a statement about it in order to survive. If a guy's sexuality was called into question, it was a very big deal. I just didn't think that it would be good atmosphere for [Robbie]."

Danielle was also concerned that Robbie always "had more girl friends than guy friends, and he wouldn't have them there."

Robbie's other sister Claudia, a senior at Magnificat High School in Rocky River, was also well aware of what her younger brother might be up against. She made the senior St. Ignatius boys that she knew promise not to harass Robbie.

"I told them, 'He's nice, he's sensitive, don't be mean to him'."

An unfortunate crush

Unfortunately, though, Claudia could not make all Ignatius boys promise to be nice to her brother, and one in particular made his life miserable.

"Robbie had a crush on a boy who was a jock, a football player," his mother said. "This kid was not gay and this kid teased him."

According to Claudia, Robbie knew better than to tell this boy about his crush. "He never really said much about it," she said. "He told me he had a crush on [this boy], but said that he knew he couldn't tell him or do anything about it." He indicated that knew he was in for a long four years when he said to Claudia, "You know, it's hard to be gay at St. Ignatius."

Besides Christopher, Robbie had told two other Ignatius boys that he was gay. News tends to travel in any high school.

Rejected by the church

The family continued to stay involved in Robbie's coming out process, reading books that had been recommended by Knopf. They got in touch with Cleveland area resources for gay and lesbian youth and their families, and planned on looking into a church that would accept Robbie just the way he was. Robbie had begun to express his displeasure with the Catholic church. Whether or not he was aware that the catechism of the Catholic church had declared his desires "intrinsically disordered," and "contrary to natural law," he clearly understood that he was not accepted the way he was.

"A few months before he died," his mother recalled, "Robbie said, 'Do I have to go to church? The Catholic church does not accept me, why should I go to it?' At that point I said, 'Robbie, we can find a church that does accept you, that's fine, we can go to a different church.' But he still went with me [to Catholic church] with a little bit of protest at the end."

Last November, Robbie signed on to the Prodigy computer service using his mother's checking account and driver's license. Leslie found out about it on the Monday before Christmas. A week later, on December 30, she and Robbie's therapist discussed getting him into PRYSM again, and for the first time, Robbie was agreeable.

"It was like he said, 'Okay, Mom's finally going to force me to go to PRYSM'."

The therapist also told Leslie that, in the meantime, she should put locks on the computer room door and "treat Robbie like a two year old."

Earlier in December, Leslie had also taken Robbie to a psychiatrist who was also gay. "I was glad he was gay," Leslie said of the doctor. "I thought he could be an excellent role model for Robbie."

The doctor prescribed Zoloft, an anti-depressant that takes about four to six weeks before it becomes effective.

Leslie said she grieved that things seemed to happen just a little too late to save her son. Robbie would have attended his first PRYSM meeting at noon on Saturday, January 4, but two days earlier, he was dead. The day Robbie was buried, Leslie had to cancel the locksmith who was to install the lock on the computer room door.

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Called to save other boys

Not able to save her son, Leslie felt "called by God" to reach out to other boys like him. The day of her son's wake, Father James Lewis from St. Ignatius met Leslie at the funeral home.

"I mentioned to him about Robbie being gay. I said, 'You must help these boys--you know you have other Robbies at your school.' He agreed that there were other gay students. I said, 'Please tell those who are not nice to gay people to change and learn to be kind and sensitive. Tell those who are already being nice that they are doing God's work.' He just listened to me, and said that the school teaches kindness to all people."

She also asked Father F. Christopher Esmurdoc, an associate pastor at St. John Neumann Church, to say that Robbie was gay and deliver a eulogy that would speak of the importance of being accepting of gay and lesbian people. For whatever reason, he did not.

In the following weeks, Leslie began the long and painful process of putting together pieces of the puzzle that might explain what had happened to push her son over the edge. She wonders if things might have been different if she would have gone into Robbie's room prior to his death. Instead, acting on the advice of the therapist, she was trying to respect her son's privacy.

"I would have found the suicide note. I would have found out how obsessed he was with this boy."

Robbie's therapist told her how he had said that getting over the boy had "left an empty spot in his heart."

"But truly," his mother said, "he was not over this boy."

Leslie was further grieved when Christopher told her about some rumors that had been circulating around the St. Ignatius campus. One of them was that the boy that Robbie had a crush on was telling other students that Robbie had written "Fuck you" to him in his suicide note.

"This boy never even saw the note," Leslie said.

The message that Robbie did leave for this boy was, "You caused me a lot of pain, but hell, love hurts. I hope you have a wonderful life."

Leslie called the boy's mother to find out if there was any truth to another rumor that Robbie had spoken to her son on the telephone at 3:00 a.m. the day he died.

"The mother was fearful that if it got out that Robbie liked this kid, it would ruin this kid's reputation--that if the [other] kids knew, then they might think that her kid was gay. Her concern was that her son would be perceived as gay and would be teased and ridiculed. I said to this woman, 'Please, I just buried my son. Please don't scream at me'."

St. Ignatius declined gay talk

Hoping to have some goodness come from Robbie's death, Leslie spoke with Rory Henessy, who is in charge of discipline at St. Ignatius, and the school's principal, Richard Clark.

"I told Mr. Henessy the same thing that I told Father Lewis at the funeral home--that there are other Robbies at their school. I told him that Robbie's therapist offered to talk to the school. I said I would come and read something about Robbie's life and about his being gay."

The school has politely declined Leslie's offers, and principal Clark reiterated that the "message of the school is kindness and tolerance." He also said that St. Ignatius is planning to do a mass that will focus on the issue of suicide.

"The funny part of all this," Leslie said, "is that Robbie would have wanted to stay in the closet."

"I see him laughing at me, saying 'Oh, mom, this is my mom--always trying to help people."

"I'm not a public person, but I would read on a loudspeaker if it would help one boy out there," she added.

Leslie feels no bitterness toward the school or the church, and wants only good things to come out of this tragedy.

"Me and his sisters and his father, and his other father, we all feel that this is a terrible tragedy that we have to live without him for the rest of our lives. We feel that there are all these other Robbies in the world, and if we can somehow help just one of them. Not just the Robbies, but the people that treat the Robbies badly. If we can help them in any way, then we feel called by God to do it. This is hard for me, I'm not an articulate person. I'm just a mom who loved her son.

John Kirkland is equally as passionate about telling his son's story, and in time, plans to become active with PRYSM or P-FLAG.

"I would tell any parent that I can reach that I tried, and I still lost my son, and it's something that's going to hurt every day for the rest of my life. You can lose them in other ways too. It'll hurt just as much if you lose your son because you alienate him as it hurt me because my son killed himself. You may not think it now, but believe me it's going to. And one day you're going to wake up and realize: That little boy or that little girl I raised, I lost them. I lost them because I couldn't accept them. Is it worth that?

(Accompanied by four photos: Leslie Sadasivan; a Christmas family photo of Robbie and his sisters; and a pale blue image of the century-old St. Ignatius High School, with the first paragraphs of the story superimposed over it. On the front page is a photo of Robbie with his Siamese cat Petie Q.)

Last updated 3/11/97 by Jean Richter, richter@eecs.Berkeley.EDU

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3/27/00 Five whole years. I guess things have changed. I was awake almost a whole hour before I thought of you today. Of course, you've been on my mind continously for the last few weeks. Of all things, in the news tonight was a story about a decomposed body that washed up, they showed the clothes...what was once a denim jacket was green and slimy. And so the pain pierced me again. So many questions. All I can do now is pray that you are at peace. I beg my guardian spirits to watch over you and guide you. I 'hear' from Chris constantly. I 'feel' Chris constantly. But not you Joey. And we were so connected when you were on this earth. Why not from you? Auntie Peggy says maybe it's because I haven't let go, let you move on. What say you?

Someone said, wow, five years, that's not long at all. And part of me says yes, five years is not enough to adjust to life without you. But another part says FIVE WHOLE YEARS without you. How have I gone on? I miss you JoJo Bear. Josh says if Joey was your JoJo bear and Chris was your Pooh bear, what am I? I told him I didn't know. He said he wanted to be a JoJo bear too. Are you with me every day Joey and I don't even know? I love you brown eyed boy. More than ever. I found out your friend Amy signed your guest book. She misses you. Not that I wish her pain, but I'm glad that others remember you. Such a miracle you were. I love you.

9/16/99 You would have been 28 years old this year. How could that be? My tall skinny boy, forever young, forever a "Joey". I went to a 'channeler', she told me you were stuck in a dark lonely place because that's all you ever believed was there. She says that you have seen how I love you still and regret the pain you have caused. She claimed with my 'consent' you could go on to a bright beautiful place. I went through the motions of sending you on. Part of me believes because she told me things that she couldn't have 'guessed'...of course part of me is afraid to believe. SO, whatever, Joey, I urge you to go on, find peace. I miss you, I love you. But more than anything, I want eternal peace for you. Mama.

Merry Christmas 1998, my heart, love of my life. I miss you so. Our ice maker drops ice cubes sometimes and we say "Oh, there's the boys playing tricks." Now that they have moved out, Aunt Kelly's ice maker drops ice! She said she hopes it's you guys saying hello. Send me sign. Aunt Kelly saw a look- a -like the other day. Such torture. I finally dreamed about you as a grown up the other night. Such pleasure, such hurt.

Our Firstborn

Joey was the firstborn of my four sons. He was tall and skinny, lanky and graceful. He was born a blonde, but his hair got darker as he got older. Later, he alternately had brown, green, pink, purple and green striped hair. He had his tongue, his eyebrow and other things I probably don't want to know about, pierced! He gave the best hugs. He had the most wonderful chocolate eyes. God, how I miss them.

I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

4/1/99 No fooling, this has been a rough week JoJo Bear. I seem to deal with the 'sadness' of holidays, easter, mothers day, etc with some semblance of control. But these death day anniversaries just drag me down. The depression smothers me. I try to fight it, I try to tell myself you are in a better place but I miss you so and I am so scared, so afraid that something is wrong. I know if there was a way, you would send me a message, something big that my lame brain would recognise, not an obscure butterfly or rainbow. But a big goofy sign that was OBVIOUSLY from you. I see so many movies that depict suicides afterlife as something dark and horrible. That would be so unfair, for you to have hurt so on this earth and not have peace. But it's my fear. I love you Joey, you were/are the love of my life. Shame on me, I love your brothers each so differently, so deeply but you...oh Joey, you were everything magical. I pray that you are somewhere colorful and happy and that you know Christopher. I pray you are watching Joshua and you see how much like you he is, so cute, so funny, so loving, so talkative! So much like you, some like Chris and Micheal.

Joey was the glue of our family. We are a very close family, but Joey was the one who made us laugh, think, talk, understand. He was the one who cemented the relationships we have today.

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Joey was a smooth talker, a good listener, a con artist (!), a deep thinker. Joey had a knack for making people open up and find things hidden deep inside. It is this knack that is sorely missed by me and by his brothers.

JOEY WAS A BISEXUAL MAN AND THIS IS THE REASON I HAVE DEDICATED THIS PAGE TO HIM. People need to know his story, the hurt he faced and why I feel compelled to keep future generations from hurting.

Joey was our magic boy. I hope to use this site to tell his story and to help our family heal.

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3/27/97 Dear Joey, today you have been gone from me for 2 whole years. I sit here with my heart heavy and my fingers barely able to type these words. I move through quicksand to get from day to day. I still need to know why, I still need to know how you are, I still need to know what I did wrong. I want so much to hear your laugh, that crazy, contagious laugh you had.

I want to see those big brown chocolate eyes smiling at me, giving my heart flip flops every time I saw them, because you were mine! I want one of those famous Joey hugs. I want to lay my head on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you, I miss you,I miss you.

Joey, you made so many of my dreams come true. You were funny and sweet and kind and goofy. All the things I admire in a person!

My friend Gabi, who lost her son too, says we won't stop missing our kids till we stop loving them. I guess this gets to go on till forever.

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3/28/97 Today, I read an article in People magazine about celebrities who have lost children. It was an eye opener for me. I think I have felt 'stuck' because the pain is greater, the loss is felt deeper than ever. I think I imagined that I was choosing these feelings. And somehow, that was supposed to be wrong. why would I choose to be unhappy, a victim, in pain for the rest of my life? After reading about Bill Cosby, John Walsh, Sally Jesse, etc., I realize that this is all it can be. I cannot expect to be whole
again. If you took my right arm, I could not expect to function as if it were still there. I can live without it, but I won't function the same. I used to be such a goofy person, truly a pollyanna. And I mourn that loss also. But I cannot have that 'me' back, cannot expect to get her back when her heart is missing. Yes, I have Chris and Micheal and Joshua. And they are truly magnificient. I am more than blessed by having them healthy and whole. And I know, without them, I would not bother to go on. But, Joey, this is to tell you that you and Chris and Micheal and Josh made up 95% of who I am, who I want to be. So, I don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. It just is.

"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one

Pack up the moon, dismantle the sun.

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods.

For nothing now can ever come to any good."

My feelings this 3rd mothers day without him.

6/16/97- Well Joey? Are you two together? Are you having great fun without parental supervision? Mama's not doing so good.

Can you believe Chris died 2 years from the day we found you? 26 months later. What does this mean Jo Jo bear?

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http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/9671/About_Joey.html

Eric,

Thank you for signing Joey's dreambook and Thank you for adding Joey's page to your site. I hope it will open some eyes to the hurt that our children experience - and it's all so unnecessary. And, of course, I want Joey's memory to live on and touch others as he touched so many when he was here. p.s. Joey once loved an Eric...sigh.

Deb Lopitz

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Gay is OK! How many lives before they learn?

What is 'Gay'?

Most people would say that 'gay' is the opposite of 'straight'.

Such black-and-white thinking does not reflect accurately the nature of sexuality. If it were so, people would have no interest in one gender or the other, yet we see many straights forming close bonds with their own gender, and gays with the opposite. Sexuality is a term which does not begin to cover the situation and is misleading in its emphasis on sex. The main aspect of orientation is love and affection, it only follows that one prefers sex with a loved one.

Name-Calling and Insults

If you are gay, or even falsely perceived as such, you will hear ugliness from some other people constantly. Even more so in the teen years. In major high schools, it is reported that this is very common, and comes primarily from kids who are insecure in their sexuality; they are really fighting their own feelings which they don't yet understand.

You don't have to be gay to be hated. Racial, religious, ethnic background are only a few of the many reasons people find for hate. As I like to say "Hate is in the eye of the beholder." You are not what they think you are, you are yourself, a unique person. Be yourself and make no excuses for it, none are needed. In the words of one you know from childhood: "I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam."

Suicide

Is not the answer, it is defeat, an admission that 'they' were right. It only encourages the hate mongers to commit more 'murders by suicide' in the knowledge that they cannot be held legally accountable.

If your situation is intolerable, then get out of that situation. Most gays have been driven to thoughts of suicide at some time in their lives by hostile peers, unsupportive families, damning churches, oppressive laws. A third of all teen suicides are gay kids who could find no way out. Those who have survived and the loved ones of those who didn't, are here to offer their help.

If you are a survivor

There are over 3,000 web sites about Gay teen suicide prevention, but few of them are in the first person. That is what is needed. Only those who have lived through it can speak with assurance that they know what they are talking about, especially you who have attempted suicide and survived to find some accommodation.

By Laurie Lindop
Reprinted with permission

"Someday, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well-considered, and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child's spirit." Erik Erikson

"This issue is not about a 'different' way of life; it is about life itself. I know that every teacher and every parent in this Commonwealth fundamentally agrees that no young person — gay or straight — should be driven to take her or his life because of isolation and abuse. This is a tragedy we must all work together to prevent. We can take the first step toward ending gay youth suicide by creating an atmosphere of dignity and respect for these young people in our schools.
Governor William F. Weld, speaking at a Gay and Lesbian Youth Commission Teacher Training, Arlington Street Church, June 30, 1993.

Overall Youth Suicides

Suicide among adolescents is a national and statewide tragedy. The Massachusetts Department of Education asked more than 3,000 students in 1994 to answer questions anonymously and found that 10 percent had attempted suicide compared with 6 percent in 1990, 20 percent "made plans" to commit suicide compared with 14 percent in 1990. 3.4 percent required medical treatment as a result of a suicide attempt.

1. Adolescent suicide has increased threefold in the last 10 years, making it the second most frequent cause of death among youths aged 15-24 (10 per 100,000 deaths per year).
2. The incidence of suicide among adolescents between the ages of 15 and 19 had jumped from 2.7 per 100,000 in 1950 to 9.3 in 1982. The incidence of youth suicide stands at 11.3 per 100,000 today. It is estimated that suicide attempts are 40 to 100 times more common than completed suicides.
3. An additional 500,000 youths of all sexual orientations attempt suicide annually.

Suicides among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender Youth

In 1989, the United States Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) issued its "Report on the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide," which found that "A majority of suicide attempts by homosexuals occur during their youth, and gay youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other young people. They may comprise up to 30 percent of (the estimated 5,000) completed youth suicides annually.

• The report recommended that "mental health and youth service agencies can provide acceptance and support for young homosexuals, train their personnel on gay issues, and provide appropriate gay adult role models; schools can protect gay youth from abuse from their peers and provide accurate information about homosexuality in health curricula; families should accept their child and work toward educating themselves about the development and nature of homosexuality."

  According to Kevin Berrill, Director of the Anti-Violence Project of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force at the time of the report's release stated, "The increased risk of suicide facing these youth is linked to growing up in a society that teaches them to hide and to hate themselves. We welcome this report and hope it will lead to action that will save lives."

  Initially, however, the report was suppressed by the Bush administration under pressure from right-wing groups and by conservatives in Congress. After the findings, William Dannemeyer, who was at the time a conservative Republican member of the U.S. House of Representatives from California, called for then-president Bush to "dismiss from public service all persons still employed who concocted this homosexual pledge of allegiance and sealed the lid on these misjudgments for good." HHS Secretary Louis Sullivan wrote in a letter to Dannemeyer that the study "undermined the institution of the family."

• The findings of the report were leaked to the press and finally released. Other studies confirm these findings. Gary Remafedi, Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, University of Minnesota, and author of Death by Denial: Studies of Attempted and Completed Suicide in Gay and Lesbian and Bisexual Youth, found in a 1991 study of 150 gay and lesbian youths in Minneapolis, more than 30% said they had attempted suicide at least once as a teenager.

  The youths who are at the greatest risk for suicide are the ones who are least likely to reveal their sexual orientation to anyone. Suicide may be a way of making sure that no one ever knows. It's homophobia that's killing these kids.

• Remafedi confirmed a 30% suicide rate among gay and bisexual youth, and also found that young men with more "feminine gender role characteristics" and those who recognized their same-sex orientation at an early age and acted on those sexual feelings seem to face the highest risk of self-destructive behavior. The mean age in this sample at the time of the suicide attempts was 15 1/2 years. Ingestion of prescription and/or nonprescription drugs and self-laceration accounted for 80% of the attempts. Twenty-one percent of the suicide attempts resulted in medical or psychiatric hospitalization, but almost 3 out of 4 attempts did not receive any medical attention. One-third of the first attempts occurred in the same year that subjects identified their bisexuality or homosexuality, and most other attempts happened soon thereafter. Family problems were the most frequently cited reason for attempts. Eighty-five percent of the attempters reported illicit drug use and 22% had undergone chemical dependency treatment.

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• The earlier a young person is aware of a gay or lesbian orientation, the greater the problems they may face and may be more likely at risk of suicidal feelings and behavior.

  Younger gay adolescents may be at the highest risk for dysfunction because of emotional and physical immaturity, unfulfilled developmental needs for identification with a peer group, lack of experience, and dependence on parents unwilling or unable to provide emotional support. Younger gay adolescents are also more likely to abuse substances, drop out of school, be in conflict with the law, undergo psychiatric hospitalization, run away from home, be involved in prostitution, and attempt suicide.

• Pollak found that nearly all gay and lesbian suicides occur between the ages of 16 and 21.

• The fear of AIDS adds to the anxiety gay youths experience. According to Joyce Hunter, Behavioral Researcher at the New York State Psychiatry Institute's HIV Center in New York City:

  Gay teenagers already have so much to deal with that when they find out they are HIV-positive or even that they are going to have to live in a world where HIV is prevalent and a constant threat, they become overwhelmed. It's just another factor that can add to their suicidal thoughts.

  In February 1992, Massachusetts Governor William F. Weld signed an executive order establishing the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth, taken, in large part over concerns for the high incidence of suicide among gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens.

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by Paul Cody, Ph.D.
U.N.H.Counseling Center

Suicide is almost always a desperate act by someone who feels helpless and hopeless. Suicidal feelings and thoughts are a frequent symptom of depression. As a society, we feel shocked and questioning when someone we know kills herself or himself. We feel that we want to do whatever we can to prevent another such tragedy.

It has been only in the last decade that there has been recognition that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth (generally defined as ages 15-24) are at an increased risk of suicide compared to other youth. A growing body of research literature has provided the estimate that gays, lesbians, and bisexual youth attempt suicide at a rate 2-3 times higher than their heterosexual peers. Some studies indicate that the rate of attempted suicide for transgender youth is higher than 50%. It is also estimated that gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth comprise 30% of completed suicides, with transgender youth also having a high incidence of completed suicides. These studies are not documenting only a recent phenomenon; some are retrospective studies, interviewing older members of these minority groups and finding high rates for attempted and completed suicide during these individuals' youth decades ago. It is only the attention to this problem that is recent.

Sexual and gender minority youth are at a high risk of suicide largely because of societal and developmental factors. This age period is when all people face the developmental tasks of finding their identity and establishing sexual/emotional intimacy in relationships. Our society fosters, nurtures, and channels these tasks for heterosexual youth. Implicitly and explicitly, heterosexual youth have their feelings, identities, and relationships acknowledged and validated. In general, our society is a perilous wasteland for sexual and gender minority youth. It is a wasteland because the resources that might help them in the developmental tasks of finding identity and establishing intimacy are nonexistent in most places, scarce in others. It is perilous because there are real dangers to their emotional and physical well-being which they must try to navigate. Harassment, threats of violence, and physical/sexual assaults by peers and family are frequently experienced by sexual and gender minority youth. Even more ubiquitous are the slurs, insults, and jokes regarding this population which color their environment and make it an even greater challenge for them to come to love themselves and have good self-esteem. Most of them do not possess the internal and external resources nor the autonomy that come with greater age to help them through these struggles with their environment. The internalized self-hatred and resulting pain for sexual and gender minority youth contribute to a higher risk of abusing alcohol and other drugs as a means of numbing those feelings.

There are several things that can help reduce the suicide risk factors for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth. All of us can make a commitment to making the environment a safer place for them. Heterosexuals who read this can do a lot. Stop laughing at or ignoring the bigoted jokes and insults that are frequently made about sexual and gender minorities. Go a step further and confront those who make these remarks, telling them that you do not find them appropriate. Additionally, you can continue your own education about all sorts of people who are different than you, including sexual and gender minorities. Open your mind and your heart further. Communicate your caring to those around you. Support the struggles of this population to obtain the same basic civil rights you have, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Older gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people who read this can remember how difficult our own experience was when young. Frequently we may want to put that behind us because of the painfulness of remembering it even still. We cannot afford to do that as our youth are in those hells now. Commit or recommit yourself to being as out as you can be, being proud, and reaching out to the youth who need our support. Remember that our lives are only as good as they are because of those who came before us in this struggle. What will you do for those who come after us?

Sexual and gender minority youth who have felt or are feeling suicidal I ask not to give in to those helpless and hopeless feelings. I know from personal experience how it can seem that things will never get better, no one will accept you for who you are, and maybe you aren't sure you like you for who you are. As someone who made it through, I can say that the fears, when kept to yourself, are worse than the reality. Look around you and find some person that you feel you can trust to tell your feelings to, someone who has expressed a caring and accepting attitude. It might be a family member or friend. It might be a professor or hall director or RA or minister. If it feels too risky to speak to any of these people, contact the Counseling Center. We care and want to be a support to you. As someone who survived his own gay adolescence, I want you to know that life gets better, so hold on to life and reach out for help.

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