Knowing What You Want in Bed

how to have good sex

Saying yes doesn't mean a whole lot if you can't say no.

According to clinical psychologist and therapist Bernie Zilbergeld, men would be happier knowing when they were comfortable having sex. He says men would experience less anxiety, fewer performance worries and greater comfort in the bedroom if they had sex only when their personal conditions were met.

With a little thought, you can create your own list. And you can help destroy the myth that men can and should have sex absolutely any time the opportunity arises.

This is adapted from one of Zilbergeld's exercises in his book, The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex and Pleasure.

Compare two or three sexual experiences in which you were highly aroused with two or three in which you weren't. Example: "I felt rested, close, not preoccupied with work, wasn't in a hurry."

Your descriptions of the high-arousal list form the basis for your conditions. Be specific.

Consider all areas.

- Your physical health.

- Anxiety or tension.

- Use of alcohol.

- Amount of time you had.

- Preoccupation with performance, pregnancy, etc.

- Your feelings toward your partner.

When you finish your list, put it away for a day or two, then reread it and see if there is anything you want to change. Now go through each item and make it specific enough to put into practice.

Let's say one of your items is "Need to make love earlier." You should talk to your partner and let her know. You may need to consider ways of initiating sex earlier.

The importance of being specific in your conditions cannot be overemphasized. If they are worded too vaguely, you won't be able to put them into practice. Take all the time you need to determine what your conditions are and how you they can be fulfilled.


next: The Requirements for Great Sex

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 28). Knowing What You Want in Bed, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, June 22 from

Last Updated: May 2, 2016

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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