Chapter 4: Pickled in Alcohol

I went to one AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous) in my home town. I was the youngest person there and felt very uneasy around the people even though I brought my girlfriend with me to the meeting.

The people in Alcoholics Anonymous seemed to have it all together. I thought I really wanted to quit, so I did not drink that night. However, I just didn't get what the program was about from one meeting. I was sure to drink again and I did the next day. At one point, I was also kind of afraid that the AA program would work! After all, it did mean I would have to make drastic changes and I knew I felt uncomfortable about any kind of change.

My addiction lied to me. It said, "There was a certain comfort in my misery of this disease." I continued to drink for a few more months while unemployed. It was a 24 hour-a-day thing for weeks in a row. Blackouts were daily. I used a credit card to buy alcohol and spent a great deal of time using my girlfriend's new car without her permission. In other words, "stealing her car."

I spent the day underneath interstate bridges to escape the sun. My girlfriend wanted me out of her apartment because I was not able to pay my part of the rent. I drank without seeking anymore help to quit. I tried to quit by myself so many times. I suffered many, many times from the detoxification symptoms: the shakes, anxiety, agitation, headaches, short attention span, racing thoughts, delirium, diarrhea, feeling like there were bugs crawling on me, the awful nausea and internal aches. To drink seemed like the only way top get rid of many of these detoxification symptoms that the drinking itself had caused.

I finally moved back into my parents' house. I begged my old employer for my job back after I had quit. I still drank daily and drank some on the job. I began talking to people in AA via the internet. I was now very desperate to quit. Alcohol was taking quite a toll on me physically. I was hurting real bad when I wasn't drunk. I had pains in my stomach and muscles when I couldn't get enough booze to numb me. Alcohol had become my body.

next: Chapter 5: Unhappily Unmanageable
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