'Clare'

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Clare"

My name is Clare and I was diagnosed with OCD.

I guess that the obsessions go back as far as I can remember, but then again, I am only 19 years old so it hasn't been that long. It began for me as lists. At any given time, I have 10 lists. I have a front page of the lists that I have in my list packet, and then I have the various lists. There are "To Do" lists, "To Study" lists, "Medicines to take", "When to take my medicines", etc... Then I realized that I spell. I think of a conversation in my head and then realize that I had just spelled a word out while thinking. In conversations, I spell certain words and do not even realize it. Also, I have a 11 month old son and I color coordinate his bottles, and when his sitter messes up the rhythm, I have to empty and wash them all and begin the cycle of Red bottle, Green bottle, Purple bottle, etc..all over again. It seems stupid, but when I drive, I read every sign I see on the street, highway, freeway, or wherever. If I miss a sign, I get a feeling of panic, that I don't know something and now, I could be in danger, or be going the wrong way. I also have an obsession of order. Right now, I have a list in order of the obsessions I want to write about. Lastly, I count my bites and when I walk up stairs, I count the stairs as well. These are all such minor, silly things, and yet I don't know why I do them. My day can not progress the way it should without these obsessions and compulsions of mine coming into play.

When I was diagnosed, I felt relieved, because I always knew there was something wrong with me, I just didn't know what it was. Now that I know, I have to read everything that I see about OCD. I look it up on the web, I go to book stores, I mean everything. It is good to know that I am not alone, that there are other people out there like me. OCD has not gone away yet. I have recently began taking Zoloft, and from what I have read, my case is very minor and hopefully it will help. I am looking forward to a happy, healthy life.

Contact Clare

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