Lately, I feel as if I've hit a roadblock in my recovery. I take my medications regularly, I go to therapy, I exercise, but I've hit a wall that I can't seem to move past (Bipolar Treatment: If I'm Doing Everything Right Why Am I Still Sick?). The other day, I received a book from a good friend of mine: Sane: Mental Illness, Addiction, and the Twelve Steps by Marya Hornbacher, and I started thinking about new things that I could incorporate in my life.

Typically, when people talk about bipolar disorder, the extent of their understanding and knowledge about the disorder is that we have our ups and downs. We become depressed, followed by an episode of mania (intense energy and ups). Many people who do not live with bipolar disorder or do not have experience with it do not understand that we live with so much more – the good and the bad.

I have always felt different from everyone else, alienated, alone. As a young child, I would react to things, even tiny things, in such intense ways, and I would look at other people and wonder: did they feel things this strongly, too? Did they fall to the ground crying when they saw a dead butterfly on the sidewalk? Or have sudden intrusive thoughts of swerving and crashing their car in a wall?

It's time to say goodbye. School starts June 1st. It’s nearly here. I can’t believe it. I’m both excited and nervous. Will I be able to keep up? It’s due to this nervousness that I’ve decided that I’m going to leave the blogging world.

The anniversary of my father’s passing is nearly here. It’s given me pause to reflect on what my life’s been like this last year. I went into a deep depression that lasted from September to February. I had a short lived hypomanic episode, too. I would say that I wish my year had been better, but it could’ve been worse.

My faith has waned. I don’t have faith that I’ll be able to complete a successful school semester due to my recent bipolar episode. If it happens again, I need to be prepared and I just don’t know how to do that. I’m worried that I won’t be able to do the work that I need to do. In my head I hear myself scream, “Failure!”

I'm feeling better. The anger and paranoia are gone. I guess I must have been at the end of my hypomanic phase. I'm so glad! It was a minor diversion compared to what it could have been. I guess the medicine made it lighter. It would've been better if the medicine had made it stay away. I wonder if they make bipolar medicines like that for me?

I’m feeling better. The anger and paranoia are gone. I guess I must have been at the end of my hypomanic phase. I’m so glad! It was a minor diversion compared to what it could have been. I guess the medicine made it lighter. It would’ve been better if the medicine had made it stay away. I wonder if they make bipolar medicines like that for me?

Cristina describes what it's like to be in a hypomanic episode. Watch this bipolar video on hypomania.

I do believe I’m in hypomania. *Sigh* This isn’t the euphoric kind of mania. It’s been filled with anger and paranoia. My first impulse was to call my doctor, but how much more can the bipolar medication dosage be adjusted? Isn’t it enough that my hands shake when I hold them out?