It’s a gray day outside and I hate it. Spring is supposed to be filled with sunny days, but all we’ve seen lately is rain and gray days. I’m pretty sure it’s affecting my mood and I hate that, too. I’ve been full of anger lately. It eats at the center of my chest until I feel like there’s a gaping hole. I’m mad, too, that my bipolar medicine isn’t taking care of all my symptoms. I expected miracles and that just isn’t happening.

I’ve been meditating three times a day for the last two weeks and I still can’t find inner peace. It’s my own fault really. I bit off more than I can chew. My cousin asked me to take care of her little boy and I foolishly agreed. I thought it would be as easy as taking care of my girls. But I forgot that’s not so easy some days. I thought that with my bipolar disorder under control that I would be able to control any stress that came my way.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2006, it was I who took in an online questionnaire that I had filled out. I had been hearing a lot about the symptoms of bipolar disorder through medication commercials. Until then, I hadn’t put two and two together that I had bipolar disorder. I knew that I had been depressed and I knew that I had high times of the year when I would drink too much. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure this was it; until I took that online quiz, that is.

Does it matter that my creativity has dwindled down to almost nothing now that my bipolar medications have taken over? Should it matter that my essence is now a dull wit? Am I willing to trade a part of my soul for a lot of sanity? Should I have to choose between my bipolar medication and a normal life?

I had a terrible dream the other night. My therapist says that dreams are unfinished business. I think it's safe to say that I have a lot of unfinished business that I need to attend to. My bipolar disorder is still hovering there beneath the surface. The high of the bipolar drugs has finished and it's back to normal bipolar me. But, it's better than it was. I just have to remind myself that I'm not my bipolar disorder.

I had a terrible dream the other night. My therapist says that dreams are unfinished business. I think it’s safe to say that I have a lot of unfinished business that I need to attend to. My bipolar disorder is still hovering there beneath the surface. The high of the bipolar drugs has finished and it’s back to normal bipolar me. But, it’s better than it was. I just have to remind myself that I’m not my bipolar disorder.

My name is not Cristina Fender. It’s an alias I use when I’m writing. I use an alias because I’m afraid of what would happen if my real name was revealed. Would I be ridiculed for being bipolar? The stigma of having bipolar disorder is so great that I stay in hiding. I stay in hiding mostly for my family’s sake. What would happen to my children if I came out of the closet?

The road is hard to ride on, but it gets easier as you go along. In this video on bipolar disorder treatment and recovery, join me as I update you on my progress to bipolar wellness.

Do you ever have those dreams where you run and run and you never get anywhere? I used to have those dreams all the time before I started this quest to bipolar recovery. I felt lost. Like I would never get anywhere. And then I began to follow my own advice to those who had asked for it. I began to believe. I believed that what I wanted wasn’t unattainable. This time I ran and smack in the middle of my dream I stopped and smiled. I’m following the road to bipolar recovery and stability and it’s a wonderful thing!

Can you have one without the other? Of course, you could have insomnia by itself, but insomnia and bipolar disorder are best buds. Best buds that drive me up the wall! I would kill for one whole night of 'I can't wait to get up in the morning and live life' sleep. Bipolar gods, are you listening?! Well, in case they're not, I'm off to a sleep specialist to discuss the twixt that is bipolar and insomnia.