Having schizophrenia means that I am a bit more paranoid than your average person. The antipsychotics I take may have helped quell most of my symptoms, but they have not eliminated them. I am not “cured” of my schizophrenia, despite what some people believe. The paranoia that stems from my illness is still strongly ingrained within my subconscious mind. It is just better controlled. I do not hear voices, believe that I am Jesus or that cockroaches are underneath my skin. I do not wander the streets thinking that I have special powers, like talking to animals or telepathy. I do not suffer as greatly as I once did, but that does not mean that I am cured. I am a “functional” schizophrenic as I am able to work, have relationships and take care of myself with some difficulty, but that does not mean that I do not have issues.

A common theme amongst people with schizophrenia is that our thoughts are being manipulated by unseen forces. We often find ourselves obsessed with the idea that our thoughts are being erased, inserted and manipulated. Psychiatrists consider these delusions particularly bizarre and to have no basis in reality. I would argue otherwise.

"I do not want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded. That is not something I am willing to support or live under." - Edward Snowden The recent revelations by Edward Snowden as to the extent of American spying, is the closest most people will get to experiencing schizophrenic paranoia. The idea that everything you do on your computer is being stored and analyzed by algorithms for use by the state would give anyone the creeps. For a person who suffers from intense paranoia, it only increases the discomfort ten-fold.

Thought manipulation and alien persecution are common themes in delusions associated with schizophrenia. I wrote this poem several months after I was off my schizophrenia medication and believed that celestial beings were controlling my thoughts. In essence, these other worldly entities were the puppeteers of my ideas and actions, and I was their marionette. It was a truly terrorizing experience that many people with schizophrenia endure.

This August, I was the victim of two burglaries by four rumored gang members.  The perpetrators were caught in the act by the Cincinnati Police Force at the scene of the crime.  A plea agreement was reached and sentencing will soon be carried out. Being the victim of a serious crime can be a traumatic event for anyone.  The experience was even more difficult for me because it helped to aggravate my Schizophrenia symptoms.  Paranoia began to set in soon after the crime, some justified and some unfounded.  The boundaries between justifiable paranoia and irrational paranoia began to blend together.  Real and imagined danger became one, and I was left cowering in my room.

Psychotic episodes are not random ideas, thoughts and noises within our mind. They are stories that follow certain patterns and sequences that are logical to us at the time. There is nothing "disorganized" about a psychotic episode. To prove this point, I have written several of my psychotic episodes onto paper and turned them into fictionalized stories. Some of these have been published by alternative magazines, while others still sit on my shelf. Turning my psychotic episodes into an art has been therapeutic and helped me to confront my horrifying past.

Schizophrenia has allowed me to glimpse into the hellish nightmare of realities and existence beyond the human condition. It has cursed me with falsehoods and phantasms that exist from elsewhere able to defy the human senses. What is this reality that plagues me? Scientists speak of chemical imbalances and psychotropic medication, yet the experience of psychosis feels more spiritual and surreal than any science textbook can describe. The very nature of my illness has allowed me to glimpse into a different dimension, that plagues the afflicted and strikes fear in others.

I have Schizophrenia and because of this I understand that my illness can be a liability for myself and those around me. Though I am a productive citizen of society when medicated, my illness also puts me at risk for relapse in the future. For this reason, I would never allow myself access to firearms for both my personal safety and those around me.  This is not because I am an evil person, but because Schizophrenia can result in erratic behavior if uncontrolled.  People with Schizophrenia are at high risk for suicide, as nearly 10% will end our lives from our illness.  There have also been incidences of homicides as a result of psychotic episodes.

A recent study by the Karolinsk Institute in Stockholm has provided evidence for what I have always believed; that there is a positive aspect to Schizophrenia. Though Schizophrenia is destructive to people afflicted with the illness, their family members are more likely to display brilliance in the arts and sciences. This seems true in my family as my brother is a renowned engineer and my sister a skilled Nurse Practitioner. Many of my relatives graduated from Ivy League schools and hold prestigious positions in society. Is it possible that my illness is linked to their success? According to this study this may be the case.

To people with Schizophrenia, the world is an enigma that needs to be solved. We are always asking questions. "What", "how" and "why" are the words that permeate in the back of our minds. Though everyone asks themselves questions, the questions and answers are usually based upon rationality and reason. For people with Schizophrenia, information becomes scrambled and the answers to such questions become what our subconscious desires us to believe.