5 Lies That Depression Has Told Me

As I tried to come up with a topic for this blog post, my mind spun a web of negative thoughts. I realized that the deadline for publication was looming. Like many weeks, I scolded myself for procrastinating. Then I started thinking about unrelated issues like my work performance, unmet goals, rejection, friendships, and relationships. Depression tortured me with lies that I will reveal in this post. Here are five of the lies my depression has told me and what I have learned from them.

5 Lies from My Depression

1. I am lazy. This lie occurs pretty frequently. Some days, I try to enjoy watching a few movies before work. During that time, I usually focus solely on the movie instead of multitasking. Depression tells me that I "should" be doing more productive things like cleaning, reading a book, writing, or exercising. But the truth is that I am not lazy. I go to work, publish stories, read books, and take care of myself. It's okay to reward myself with a movie. And it's okay to go a day or two without reading or writing.
2. I am selfish. This is another label bestowed upon me by depression. It started during my childhood when my father told me that I talked about myself too much. He meant well, but those words hurt because they were true. I talked about myself a lot. It made me seem like a selfish person. But I have been learning to show more interest in other people and find ways to show kindness. My father's lesson also reminded me to show kindness without seeking validation.
3. I will never change. When I was a child, I tended to lose track of papers and books. My disorganization is still an issue. So every time I lose something from work, miss an appointment, or forget to finish a load of laundry, I hear that little voice telling me that I will never change. But the truth is that my organization is improving. Also, I am capable of changing. It is important to take little steps toward my goals and acknowledge any amount of progress.
4. I will never be good enough. I have believed this lie since I was in elementary school. It seemed like all of my classmates were smarter than me. That meant they were better than me in general. So I began to feel like if I could not keep up with them in school, I would never be good enough. During middle school, physical appearance became more of an obsession. Not being "pretty enough" wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Comparisons still affect me, but I do not give them as much power. I remind myself that everyone is unique. I should just try to be the best version of myself without putting other people on a pedestal. 
5. I do not deserve good things. This lie makes it hard to fully enjoy the good things that happen to me in life. It's hard to make friends and maintain relationships because I think about the mistakes I made in the past. There were things I did and said that I regretted and could not forgive myself for. So when something good happens to me, I sometimes feel guilty. And when something bad happens, I feel like I got what I deserved. But I know deep down that I deserve happiness. My mistakes do not define me. Learning from and using them to strengthen friendships and relationships is the most important thing I can do now.