A Depression Poem: Thoughts From a Depressed Mind

Oh if only we were honest and just say it as it is.Very well articulated. Depression is not a matter of "getting out of your sour mood"; in extreme cases it is a disease that people need to take seriously. We need to be more compassionate of people suffering from depression and support them to make the days more bearable. Love your well-articulated poem!!

Loved your poem. Depression is like a shadow constantly hovering over everything I do or say. But there are a few times I actually take a break from depression - and I find that if I get busy with a project.....it helps me tremendously. Depression is the number one leading cause of suicide....I almost find myself being depressed because of habit. But I do know that if I changed some habits I might have more feel good days....so I have hope.

Thanks for sharing. I can empathize. My own version of covers over my head is "ostrich mode" :P

https://thinkingfeelingchanging.wordpress.com/category/poems/feeling-low/
How I feel during the darkest nights..

I CAN’T CARRY ON
i walk around mask firmly on
i smile and talk and keep going
except now i’m so tired i can’t bare another day
i have no energy, i don’t want to stay
i feel all alone in the sea of chatter
i can talk, keep a conversation going
but its getting harder to want to get out of bed
the demons are winning inside my head
i feel exhausted when i think about life
i’ve given it a go, tried so hard
but maybe, actually for me
This life is just not to be
But i will fight on for now, i know
deep down i still have a little hope for change
but as this is slowly lost to the darkness in my mind
i wonder if eternal sleep would actually be more kind
I wrote this during a long dark night.. https://thinkingfeelingchanging.wordpress.com/category/poems/feeling-low/

This poem explains how I feel every single day. I am not living, I am only existing. Every night I secretly wish I would not wake up and when I do I get very pissed, at God, at myself. I can not see any hope since this has been my reality for so long I don't know any other side of life. People can look quickly and say that I should feel blessed since my husband hasn't left me YET, I have an amazing, beautiful, and very healthy 11 year old mainly physically. My depression has affected them both in ways I don't want to be here to watch them suffer, especially my daughter who has had to call 911 over 5 times ALL ALONE when I have tried over and over to end my life. I tell her she is beautiful but now she doesn't think so, I tell her to take care of herself hygienically while she sees me not shower or brush my teeth, I tell her to be active and she hates to take any medication yet everyday she watches the scary amount of pills I must take 3 times a day to just survive, I tell her how thin she is and needs to eat more and healthier yet she watches me starve myself to the point that I broke my femur 3 years ago from a 2 step slip on a flat and dry floor and when brought to the ER not one nurse or doctor and my surgeon believed me until after 2 surgeries they told me what I already knew which was at that time 37 years old I had neglected my body that my bones are forever damaged, my daughter also like I said before has never had any health issues beside the normal flu, or stomach bug but recently I have watched her lose a lot of weight, she has such a problem both falling asleep and then waking in the morning and she no longer talks to her friends only at school because she can never count on me to be presentable to her friends both in the way I look and smell and then she never knows how I will behave. Will I be extremely anxious and all over the place or will I slur my words, or will I have any energy to actually follow thru with the plans she has made with friends only to cancel because of me. She went from a very smart and upbeat girl to a withdrawn and sad and lonely girl. Even though I haven't worked her entire life it is not because we are financially stable or I am a good mother, wife, or home maker. It is because I have had to declare bankruptcy twice, lie and beg my father to give me money I stole from my daughter since on one income and very little disability the few bills I do pay have at times gone unpaid but either my father will help as much as he can and my husband works a staggering 60-80 hours A WEEK and not in a cushy office job making tons of money but instead he is on his feet all day and the physicality of his job has left him so exhausted with 4 hours sleep a night and that's only because he is so spread thin since while he does have a wife who does not work and we do not live in a big nice home, no instead he comes home to a messy home, no home cooked meals and he is the one having to not just pick our "take out" meals always but he pays all the time. And when he is home from work he is the one who takes my daughter to the few activities she has kept up with again due to me not being capable of doing anything for her but she sees a mother and biggest role model lay around so tired and yet doesn't know why and I don't think in the last 8 years or so she has seen any affection between my husband and I even a small hello or goodbye peck here and there, she hardly sees us even speak to each other unless its a fight and while she is on the young side little does she know that we have sex only MAYBE once every few months and only when I have HAD to attend a family event or got it together enough to shower and dress in clothes and not pajamas, and of course I will not just over medicate myself with my Adderall to be "awake" enough and motivated to do it but I will also over medicate afterwards with my Xanax and some alcohol to be as social as possible with my family and my husband himself. I used to always think since we have been together for over 20 years, but I was doing a decent job back then to look okay, to be very sexual and affectionate, and would never want to fight over anything. We went out all the time after a few months after we met. There were no more "date" nights and then "friends" nights out, nope we would have our "special" private date night and then spend time with each others friends that I never wanted to be away from him. So I had always told him that if I ever even thought for a second that he even kissed another girl or God forbid sex, I would never forgive him and that would be the end, and now not only do I all but wouldn't blame him for even talking to other women but I don't know how he accepts being with me in these last 8 years or more not even kissing him??? He has said that he has felt like a single parent, a full time provider, and having a dirty and miserable roommate now. And I know that the ONLY reason he hasn't left me is because he knows I would NEVER be able to take care of myself, financially, physically since I have no health insurance without him and even with very good health benefits I cost our family a fortune in copays for doctor visits, my insane amount of medication copays, and then the deductibles for my many ambulance rides, ER ICU visits, and then numerous in patient psych stays at ever psych ward in the state we live in. He pays too much for even our car insurance even though he would never pay that amount for himself but I have gotten into so many accidents or damaged our cars due to either being over medicated or just not giving a shit, and lastly if I could EVER at least kill myself successfully and rid my husband and even my daughter so they could have a chance to enjoy their lives but I barely can be insured by a life insurance policy due to my poor medical and mental health. I wouldn't even cash out enough for him to bury me, yet God forbid ANY thing happened to him both my daughter and I would have plenty of money. That's the last thing I will write for now since now after having to type and think of just how awful a wife, mother, and person I am and the damage and pain I cost every person I do love so much, its not enough to get my crap together. Like I first said from the outside I guess I am very lucky that I do have such an amazing family and how many times people have said that if not for myself, WHY can I not try harder to at least stop hurting my daughter and husband who are the GOOD and WORTHY people. At 11 years old in my childhood and trust me my parents were not close to middle class while my husband makes good money, but I had been to Italy, Florida twice, Lake George NY, and even just a day at a beach less than 30 minutes away since I live in the same town now that I grew up in. And yet my daughter has only been to Cape Cod MA which was suppose to be a 6 day trip, but due to a fight my husband had with his brother-in-law and it was NOT at all my husband's fault, instead we all agreed included my husband's sister, my brother-in-law's wife, that the cops had to be called and after they arrested my brother-in-law that was the end of that one lousy vacation that lasted less than 3 days. Tonight I will be wide awake thinking non stop about all this even though my nighttime cocktail of medication is high enough a 200 pound man at 6 feet tall would probably overdose, I can't sleep and now I am less than 105 pounds and 5'1 tall woman. Even my medication that is suppose to be prescribed for scizophenic people to quiet down the other voices in there head they hear, I have never had that happen but it is my OWN voice and thoughts that I can never escape and ironically just make everything 10 times worse. So if anyone, I mean even one person and you do not need to be a "religious" person at all because while I do believe in God sadly I have been very mad and very ungrateful at him even though He does keep my family okay for now and me alive, but please if anyone reads this even just the last couple sentences, please pray to God that I will very soon improve even if it starts slowly and takes time, and not that I will enjoy my life BUT my husband and daughter can have at least one good day with me and will have hope that I can DO this because I truly LOVE them more than anything in the world. I last also hear all the time, many by my own psych that until I learn and start to care and love MYSELF that I can never really then care and love ANYONE, I say bullsh@t to that because I only keep hating myself since I know and can't change the misery and pain I bring to them all the time. Please God, let my husband Joe, and my angel daughter Sophia, that I am so SORRY for everything and that I LOVE them so much and only pray I haven't done too much damage that they can at least HOPE to have the kind of wife and mother they DESERVE!!! Love always, Mom (sweetmalis only call myself that online cause for whatever reason my parents while they chose to name me Melissa, they spelled me Malissa, don't know why but that explains the malis part and the "sweet" before that is only because of the song "Sweet Melissa". I don't think any website in the world would allow me to join if I could truly call myself what I really am...not sweet, but evil.:((((

I know this feeling all too well. I am a widow of 18 months and most days this is how I feel. Why get up? Why must I put on a happy face just so everyone else doesn't worry.
I don't want to feel this way but it is what it is.

Ur poem was inspirational I suffer from depression and your poem is part of exactly how I feel.Depression is not a nice thing to suffer from and so many people are un aware of how we suffer.
Thank you for sharing

Thanks for your poem,I write poetry from time to time..I feel everything you wrote about.

This is so me right now, I can be actively involved in getting better but sometimes this stage hits and its drop everything, I no longer want to try.

I haveresisted taking any antidepressants. but, I finally gave in and started on lexapro, which my Dr. suggested I try. It has helped alot. I'm not as anxious, and seem alot brighter with thoughts. they're not as negative as before.Hope others can be helped, too.

I understand this feeling all too well I too live with depression ..even with meds most days seem just like this ..thank you for allowing me to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings

Amie, I love your poem! It describes so very well clinical depression (which I myself suffer from) Most people just can not understand this illness! It's sad, hence the comment from Jack Foley! If it was that easy, this illness would not exist! Thank you for putting to paper what a lot of us feel.

I think one enters depressive states due to submitting to negative states. We live in a beautiful world and you are in possession of a beautiful body..
Embrace the good..

Your original and genuine desciption of depression exhibits many useful information for me as clinical psychiatrist, because depressive phenomenology is the most frequent morbid daily psychiatric pathology. The crucial moment is disorder of content of mind flowing that generally are negatives one on oneself, to others and to future. This set of thoughts determines overall personal activity, modulating in the same time the mood of depressive patient that is dismal. On the other hand this psycho-emotional conditionthrows into disorder the behave set of respective depressed patient. Furhtermore, hard depression, as most serious health disorder, present an open door for many other somatic illnesses. The confirm data the depressed people have got a disorganization professional and social accomplishment grews round the bad prognosis of this withstanding disease. Fortunately, by appropriate psychiatric treatment depression may to cure successfully.

Have you read The Myth of The Gifted Child. I would love the opinion of a professional. Thank you.

That's how I felt when I was depressed. I couldn't get the words for how I felt. I spent about 3 years in a depression or manic, mostly depressed. It was so hard. Now I'm only slightly depressed. But that depression, it was so deep, I felt like I was in a hole. But what you wrote is exactly how I felt.
Michele