Why I Hate Having Bipolar

I lost my mum a few years back, and she lived a life full of ups and downs. As a child I never wanted myself to suffer the way she did. But as I've gotten older, the illness seems to be getting worse. I went from a relatively successful student at university, on the path to making something out of my life, to then being hospitalised and years later still struggling to fix myself.
I now live a very depressed life, which is very isolating. I understand the feeling of not wanting to die, but also getting very worn out from living.
One day I want to seek help for myself, and the rest of the time I think it would be best to just soldier on alone.
I hate being such a disappointment to people, whether it's friends, family, or even the rare relationships I encounter.
I've tried medication in the past, I've tried counselling and support groups, I now think that nothing will help, especially not even my own ability to help myself.
If only you could just take whatever is wrong out of my head, as I really hate to think things are just going to get worse until life decides it's time for me to pass.

I’m now 57. Was diagnosed at 22. Non sufferers have no idea nor could they, of how your life is impacted by this illness even with meds. I couldn’t do the job that I wanted to do because it was too stressful because of the accompanying anxiety that comes with bipolar. I think my friends and family find me annoying because I feel cheated. I don’t use those words with them but I probably expresses it and it’s different way, but I didn’t have children. I didn’t want my child to be impacted by my illness snorts that I want them to inherit it, my dream job was never realized I’m grateful that I don’t have mania, but the depressions are very bad in my opinion of myself through to the illness is low and it made me make poor choices with partners I feel very unfortunate. I would like to say, I’m thankful for more than just the medication helping the mania, but I would’ve liked to of had a more productive life capitalize , guess I overshot on the job that I chose and I feel like a failure and my life has been so different from my friends and family where they have jobs that they could go to every day. Most of them have children I just I only works part time I don’t want to feel like this, but I do.

Thank you for this, I appreciate it. Huge emotions is right! AND it’s exhausting.blissful mania? Not me. I just don’t sleep and I’m angry. Agitation is almost non stop in some form of fashion. I’m just grateful when it’s the kind that I like doing stuff so it’s semi pleasurable. Mostly I feel sorry for my kids. I don’t know if it effects them or how it does. I keep my feelings to myself most of the time which makes me feel very alone. But I feel like it’s a burden on anyone because it sure is a burden on me. I’m not miserable all the time, I am miserable right now though and I hope it ends sooner than later. Thank you for your bravery.

I’m thankful to have found thus site. And I sympathize with all the people who have told their story. I tend to think that I’m ok - that the meds are working and that I’m functioning day to day. I’m thankful that I am no longer in the terrible state of anxiety and depression that finally prompted me to go to a psychiatrist. I guess I should be thankful for those three months when I wished every day that I could die. Anyway because I got over that crises and it hasn’t come back I think that I’m ok. But tonight it hit me! My relationship with two of my children is good even though they get annoyed with me for interrupting etc. But my relationship is horrible with my husband and my oldest daughter. It is a constant battle when I’m around them - must be careful not to interrupt - yet it seems I always do. Must be careful not to say the wrong thing but they say I do anyway. I am to the point that I am afraid of family get together because I’m always “corrected” by the husband & daughter for one thing or another. And the other two try to protect my husband because he is always upset that I interrupt him or do something - poor thing that he has to put up w/ my interruptions. And of course it’s fine for him to interrupt. As you all can see I’m a mess. Praying that finding other bipolar sufferers will help me. And YES I hate bipolar.

Reading all of this is so disheartening because I have been stable, unstable in whatever form, and now I don’t know what is real anymore. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 19 and I’m going on 40. It’s only gotten worse. The meds are tweaked when necessary and I don’t want to be emotionless but I can’t tell what is real emotion and what is not. I can’t stand trying to explain myself. I’m a compassionate, loving person who would help anyone and yet my kids can’t seem to stand me and my husband, no matter how much he supports me will never understand. I’m am so tired of looking healthy and normal outside yet in so much confusion inside. I’m ready to just give up.

I agree I hate having bipolar. I have had a week and half of cycling several times in a day, and when the depression hits I just wish I was never born and I hate my mother for having me. This is not a life I would want or to wish on anybody else, one of the many reasons why I decided not to have children. I do not agree with that statement I am not my illness. How can I not be my illness, when affects every aspect of my life the way it does, from my personality to my focus to how I deal and relate to other people. I call BS on anyone who disagrees with me, as I say this as a person who does manage it well.

I also share your thoughts exactly. This disease is bringing havoc on my life. It's to the point where I have no choice to seek medical treatment. God bless you for your honesty. And you're right. This is a life debilitating disease! But it's time for me to stop complaining, crying, and fidgeting and do something about it. It's almost as if I can't stand waking up in the morning just knowing my mind is in the same room with my body. I seriously pity all the poor things my brain has been through these past few weeks. No self-esteem. Oh, I have a job I go to everyday. I'm a data-entry / administrative help member at a trucking broker company. I'm beginning to isolate myself even at my job though. I think that's a big struggle for many of us - We isolate ourselves from others. Big mistake. I feel a lot better even now being on here and just typing this all out.

I hate this illness it will be the death of me and I love my kids want to see them grow up ang give me grandchildren

Me too Natasha. On all of it. The social aspect rings especially true. There are some times when people open their mouths and it sounds to me just like "blah blah blah" - like bleating of sheep and I want to lash out at them to get them to stop. I have had to cease working in traditional working environments after 20 years in the workforce because I couldn't take it anymore. I did not go on disability. I started my own company - not just a freelance. A full fledged company. I manage everything from the phone and since I am in charge, I can say how long conversations last for. I usually tell people that I am "booked solid". I could give a CARE LESS that I am lying to them. I have learned that mainstream people will rat you out for being mentally ill, call the police, and send you to jail. They see us as that dangerous. So, to me, the whole human race is basically a predator, except for the precious few friends and family members who accept me for who I am. And you know what... it's MORE than enough. Bipolarity has a long way to go before it's cured, or at least accepted by mainstream society as a protected class. We are NOT mentally ill psychos. We are people with an outpouring of CREATIVE ABUNDANCE! Maybe someday, the "normies" will learn that and we won't have to fear for our lives, livlihoods, health, and relationships as if we were witches in Salem in 1632.

I hate having a mood disorder, it affects not only me, but those around me. Those who I am close with. There is always something "wrong." I just wish that I could be normal, and that my life on life's terms didnt have to be magnified by this enormous and disastrous problems. I am too sensitive to take antidepressants. They all make me either too sick, or overly euphoric. There really is no cure. For years, I self medicated and because addicted to hard drugs. I now have 3 years clean and sober, but the hopelessness still remains. Other times I am jumping off the walls, and being annoying. I overcompensate for everything. Its not that I want to die, I just dont want to live sometimes. It is so exhausting to pretend all the time.

I have bipolar right now at stage of depression. I hate the way I am right now, I see my friends (ex) could live life happy but me, misery.

Ive known something is different about me ever since I was a young teen. I never knew what it was until I was diagnosed in 2008. I hate my emotions they lie to me every day. I usually start out happy, but end up frustrated with every day simple tasks. I hate leaving my house I worry about everything from my vehicle breaking down to someone I love either getting hurt with me or without me. This world is very scary for me. And I'm having a lot of trouble letting my adult children who have children grow up, so they all live with me. I'm fine with that, but they are ready to leave the nest and I can't let them. I can't sleep at night anxiety of someone breaking in my home and hurting one of us or just the every day nonsense I worry about for no reason when my head hits the pillow and things are quiet. I'm not medicated because I don't have health INS. And when I did it just made me forget everything like an Alzheimer's patient which got me fired from a job I had previously preformed unmedicated with no memory issues. So no bipolar is definitely not fair and if there was a cure I would be first in line to get it...

Being bipolar takes your life away from you in any way that you might have ever known it. I understand the references to cancer. Everyone treats a cancer patient with some sense of dignity. But if you have a mental disorders such as bipolar you are a stigma. Nobody believes you when you tell them what you were going through. Not even your spouse. They say take your pill and you'll be fine. I take my pill and I feel light my brains are a wet mop of strings. You are constantly aware of your bipolar. I also deal with chronic pain and I'm on hydrocodone. At least when I take the hydrocodone I can feel some happiness and have some self assurance. My husband looks at me as well just get up and do it go on with your life. My life consists of light house chores and the only thing that makes me happy is watching television. My husband says that I am lazy and using my illness as an excuse to do nothing. I've had a lot of friends a lot of jobs done a lot of things. & I don't consider myself to be lazy or trying to take advantage of anyone. I would have taken my life by now but I am a Christian and I don't want to go to hell. I keep praying that God is going to show me another path and that's the only thing I'm hanging on to. Thank you so much for your blog because now I know I'm not alone.

I have been known to say that I can change the color of my hair with ease, I can even lose weight, but I can't lose bipolar. One is never "off " there is no break from bipolar symptoms. It seems cruel. My life is not only complicated by bipolar but by the fact that I am a born-again Christian. How's that for a laugh!?! My belief system is in opposition to every thing else. Cruel joke, God. Oxymoron. I come from a hugely dysfunctional family. My bio-dad (too many chinks in his armor to refer to him as my father) committed suicide in 2014 at age 88. Lovely family legacy. I function at near capacity most days and coast the rest of the time. I am a bilingual Spanish teacher. I have two very successful adult sons and a 5 month old grandson. My husband and I have arrived at 38 years wedded bliss...well, maybe not always blissful. As I said, there is no "off " to bipolar, so I come up for air every now and then and try to avoid the land mines. Constantly doing battle.

When I first read your blog I thought, "I'm doing well. My meds have eliminated these frustrations." Yeah, right. I began to realize how it still affects my everyday life and makes challenges more challenging. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be so self aware to protect myself from scrutiny. I beat myself up when I trust someone with my 'secret' only to be left wondering what they are thinking about me now. It's exhausting. Thanks for sharing. It's nice knowing I'm not alone. I feel like your article gave me permission to be frustrated.. Thanks, again.

I am almost 70 years old and was first diagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago after a serious bout of depression put me in the psych ward for 3 weeks and ended with ect treatments. After divorcing my husband of 32 years, I thought I was doing great until last month and another serious bout. I think I got it on time and a change of meds from Depakote to lithium seems to be working. By the way my ex husband and I raised 4 very successful kids and we have 7pretty perfect grandkids. I am in a happy relationship with a man for 9 years. So the return of the depression was such a shock. But I am looking for some support and yes I hate this illness too!!!!!!

YES!
Thank you for the rant Natasha.
I rant at your side.
I feel deeply for people with cancer and MS etc.
But they do not understand that my bipolar is an illness too.
If I may I would like to add to the rant.
I hate that there is no medical protocol for bipolar disorder. So doctors either ignore it or blame everything on it.
If a person with cancer comes in they have a routine of checks to keep the illness in check or to evaluate that it is still in remission.
With bipolar there is no check until we are in crisis.
On the flip side, I was a pedestrian hit by an automobile traveling 40 mph. Since getting out of the 3 month stint in the hospital every complaint I have had is contributed to my over active bipolar disorder, really!

Mental illness does suck. You want to feel good, but downers are always there. Just remember, we all have 46 chromosomes and are wired differently. Just like a thumb print, we all have a different one. We are unique. We need to be thankful and find why we are the way we are. Good luck.

Your articles and blogposts validate me, speak for me in ways nobody else has done. This is exactly how I feel. How everything is so laborious, relationships so tough that I stay away, just to cope and exist takes all my energy. I thank you for writing. Your words help me.

Just a side question about your doctor assessing your quality of life that way... have you called him/her on that and if so, what was the response? Those seem like the kind of goals to aim for when you're doing very poorly. Once you've improved to a certain level, those might become your new baseline, but shouldn't necessarily be your limit.

I feel 4 u. I have had Depression nd Anxiety for almost 3 yrs now. Last Friday I walked out of my job too. I just couldn't deal with the bickering nd constant nagging of managers. I cried a lot nd was very very upset. I said things I shouldn't have. I used all the F word I could think of I was told. Most I can't remember. Now I am on 6 weeks leave. I still can't relax because I loved my job nd missing my friends. They were like my family. I have one word for Depression nd Anxiety. F...k you. We