Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation
One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately wanted from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.
When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone
When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.
When a Narcissist Abuses Others
That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.
Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.
It is very difficult for any of us, abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.
How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation
Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.
It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.
Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.
If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.
This article was written by:
Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.
To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.
APA Reference
Author, G.
(2015, October 15). Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, December 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2015/10/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-without-validation
Author: Guest Author
God help us all! It's the absolutely most devastating thing to have the life sucked out of you by these disordered people. I was married to one for 17 years and left a year ago with just a suitcase and no money. I had to leave my two children, 12 and 14 because I had no money and no job. They were in a private school and I didn't want to disrupt their lives more than I had to. My husband had an affair with my best friend, kicked me and broke my ribs, burned me, put a revolver to my head and pulled the trigger and so much more. He has the children, dog, our heavy equipment company, new truck, and great income and I'm contemplating suicide every day. How these people sleep at night is beyond me!!
I'm so sorry! These stories are heartbreaking. I'm in tears cuz its all so familiar. I've had my back broke,my nose,both my thibias broke. Countless black eyes swollen head from being hit there. Use my Head busted my windshield cracked it and busted the bead. (Glue) Ran over w my own car. 20yrs of this abuse it goes on & on. Stuck in the endless cycle. Lost everything many times including my children cuz I was hurt & no way to care for them. I live w that guilt everyday. No job no money no family no support. Just him 280 lbs psycopathic addicted Narc against me all 95 to 100lbs. Listen goes on & on. Im being discarded again for I dont know how many times. He takes off stay gone for days leave me w no money, no real way to fend for myself. Then always finds away to gglet me removed from where we are living. I've let him do that to me a bunch of times cuz why????? Idk I let him back in once he's discarded his other target or just bored w them. Need to come torture me I'm sorry I'm hoping u found some help. I wish I knew how to get through this 20yrs off & on half my life w same narc
Christy, I was in a cycle of abusive relationships when I was in my 20s - first a marriage and then 2 boyfriends over a 13 year period and they were all abusive to me. I, too, have had too much abuse to write about here, but I was able to get out. I had an 8 yr old daughter and I actually had to couch surf with a child, because I was homeless for the first month. But what enabled me to get out and stay out was that I stopped drinking, stopped smoking pot, taking pills or doing any type of mind altering substance, got sober and got into Alcoholics Anonymous.
I realized I was numbing myself out and that was making it impossible for me to leave, impossible for me to let go, and treading water in one place year after year. I didn't have to be closing down the local bar every night or getting arrested. In spite of the fact that I was never in trouble with the law or under threat of having my child taken away, I was under the thumb of narc abusers and I picked one after another of them! I finally realized, when I got sober, that the common denominator was ME. Now, I'm not saying our abusers were not at fault - not at all. They are/were rotten. I am saying, though, that as long as it was all on HIM, I wasn't going to change. I had to change myself. He was drinking and using so much that next to him, I was stoned cold sober to those looking at our lives. I stopped drinking and using completely and I was floored by how much energy I now had, how well I could think and make decisions.
I started by getting and staying sober and vowing to stay by myself for at least 1 year, which eventually turned into 2 years. During that 2 years I had plenty of time to reflect on what I had done, because in order to get out I moved first to friends' sofas and then i got into a 22 ft travel trailer with my daughter. A lot of people won't move into something so dumpy, but I once we got in there, we were at peace. I worked the AA program, in spite of the fact that a lot of my problems were due to having narcissistic abuse syndrome and not even realizing it. I inventoried myself, worked all of the steps of the program, and continued to stay sober for the last 31 years.
While single for 2 years I had a chance to think at length about what I wanted in a man. I was going to choose somebody this time - not get chosen by him. I wrote down my criteria: he has to have a job, have a stable home, be single, have a great sense of humor, be attractive to me, be a hard worker, love his mother and treat his mother with respect, have a respectful attitude towards women, be sober, not have a gambling problem, not be a womanizer or unfaithful type of man, and be very, very stable financially. He had to love my little girl. It was all in writing. When I met him, I knew right away he was what I wanted. WHAT I WANTED.
All throughout the time I went through my transition from abuse victim to thriving survivor, I prayed. I asked God to help me. I told Him I would do the footwork in my life, stay sober, and be a good mom, work hard, if He would do the rest. He guided me. Now... I'm not the Pope here - I'm not trying to give some big sermon. I'm just saying that I was provided untold amounts of comfort, relief, and assistance by the Guy Upstairs and all I had to do was be willing. This didn't mean I became Mother Theresa. But I asked my Higher Power for His love, care, guidance, and assistance and He came through for me and has always come through for me. God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. So pray, Christy.
I was willing to go to any lengths - absolutely any lengths - to get out from under oppression, addiction and abuse. 31 yrs later I look back on it and it was the turning point of my life. I did not have to be a falling down drunk in order to get into AA, work that program, and turn my life around. The little bit of substance abuse I was involved in was enough to throw off my whole existence and I couldn't get my life together. I had a moment of clarity in which I realized my little girl needed me to be solid, stable, wise, sober and leading the way - not to be an abuse victim! By getting out early, I saved her from God knows what in life.
God bless you and I hope you are able to move along and out of this quagmire you are in or were in when you wrote this comment last summer.
Shari don't even consider suicide my Mother did that 12 days after my 7th birthday all but ruined my life. Kids left behind will pay a life price if you proceed.
Dale,
I don't have any answers but I wanted you to know that my Father suffered 56 years of marriage with my narcissistic mother. It can and does happen to men. I am divorcing my narcissistic husband after 25 years of marriage. I'm scared but I'm grateful to get out before another 25 years go by.
So what do you do if you're a male? Like who will believe me when it's commonly the female who needs help? I am also in this unfortunate situation and have no clue how to fix it.
Hi I got out through my own persistence knowing something wasn't right - I ave great friends ad family who saw it before me - I finally got out through after a lot of suff - I was going to be homeless and found help now a year later exactly I am there again he got fired and has not paid support and now saying disabled - I am so tired - he knows no boundaries my life does not matter onypoorhim to y children - my family and friends don understand why I cant just get over it - so hard to explain. I have been hit I tell everyone this is worse. I feel like I am failing - it is hard to ind people who can relate - thank you for listening- love to hear your comments ps I am raising two boys and what made me leave was I wanted them to know this is not how you treat woman. Right now my emotional bank s empty.
I know this all to well and I'm trying to recover on my own. If anyone needs to talk contact me. I want to help. Never being valated is like suicide. Along with the gas lighting and confusion. Hugs and never give up.
Hi Kara, How do I get out of this feeling? I'm trying to work my way out but I feel crippled.
I need to talk. It's been 5 months no contact and im still in pain ;(
it will take time. It will require a lot of patience and love on your part to give to yourself. It is layers and layers of issues from when you were with the narcist and from your past. They go hand in hand . You must be dealt with if you want to heal.that you.But, it will get easier as time passes and you do the work and I promise you it will get better, better than any other time in your life because now you've been tested and now you know things you never knew before.
Kara hello. I'm the victim of a quite poor one sided relationship if that is what it is called. I was dumped 6 weeks ago there aren't any victim support groups in Indiana I can't believe it. I've been all over Quota site. I have a psychologist 32 yrs experience see her again Monday. I don't feel she has a clue about my needed recovery and healing. She never even knew me or my fine qualities and caring being. I hope you will write. Quite nice to post an open offer. I want smother you Mason
Teri, I understand your situation. Even within the organizations of "Help", I have encountered various responses that are not helpful at all. I'm still on list of "someone will call you within 10 days to follow up on your intake". This hasn't happened yet...11 months later. Regardless of my many attempts to continue the follow up, nothing has surfaced. I went through 4 years of mental torture from a Psychopath husband, I was the first to uncover the dark side. I'm still trying to recover from that and the aftermath of a legal nightmare. My court experience mirrored my marriage experience. It was an incapacitating blow. I was told the courts only recognize PTSD within the military. I was formally diagnosed twice in the course of the abusive marriage, to the degree of being disabled. My divorce ruling is unheard of, I was awarded nothing...literally...not a week or day of financial provision. Im legally eligible for permanent spousal support! I was a non working and disabled spouse. His salary is in the 500K range. He controlled everything, had the records sealed and my expert witnesses striked. My evidence never reached the courtroom. It is hard copy factual evidence, not Hearsay. I'm on the brink of being homeless, currently hiding out in a sketchy hotel. I've never faced anything like this. I can't do anything about it because I called over 300 attorneys, and legal aid agencies...nothing surfaced there either. Many well meaning people would offer their thoughts. "Why don't you call, contact, try this or that"? I got so tired and my health worsened as I recounted the facts over and over. My ex is a high profile influential individual. He has access to resources I have no ability to secure. I have no recourse, with the exception of a Federal Appeal...but how does one with no funds go about that??? I'm offering you the only help I can, and it's not the help you need to go forward with provision. I have immense empathy and compassion for your situation. It is so sad to be dismissed due to no physical signs. In my case I did have some physical abuse, though primarily it was chronic mental torture. Police were dispatched, resulting in "incident reports" only. If there wasn't blood or black eyes, it was insignificant. This is added torture for a woman crying out for help. I pray that you have a different experience, and that you get tangible HELP.
Kelly, have things gotten better in your life? I just read this comment of yours almost 4 years later and I wonder how things are going for you now? Were you able to survive financially? Everything okay?
Teri, you can seek help from places that help people escaping from domestic violence. Verbal and emotional abuse very often lead to physical abuse and the professionals working in this field know this. Depending on where you live, unfortunately, there may not be resources to help you if you don't have physical injuries. If that is the case, start learning what you need to do if you suddenly do have to leave: make a plan and get help from people you trust to not tell your abuser. It can take a long time and planning to get out but you can do it!
The article says "seek help". From who exactly? The whole reason I'm stuck in this abusive situation is because I can't afford to move out, so how am I going to afford to "seek help"?
There is plenty of help out there for victims of Domestic Violence, but none out there for Verbal and Emotional Abuse.
In daily life, narcissistic personality disorder is very intrigued and perplex entity to distinguish exactly, because every relationship has got specific psycho-social context. However, if any relationship is "toxic", then the issue becomes serious, which one should review and repair, as well. Beforehand, we ought to take in account personal emotional experience that coming up from respective ironic relationship. If any person offend you always and oppose you in any case, without considers the respective circumstances, then it is time to interrupt this relationship. Because this psycho-social undertaking is difficult one, it is preferable to seek professional help or to be consulted with any wise man. Your advise is welcomed. Furthermore, when it is known that anyone has got something good and valuable, which one should serve as motivation to return and repair self-esteem and self-confidence, as well. With these personal considerations the victims of abuse relationship may to escape successfully from narcissistic person. On the other hand, it ought to be be able to say the big "no" without fear and with convincing. The life requires from us to be strong, because the week ones become good for nothing.