A Sexual Olympic Champion, Huh?

Most of us really don't how much we don't know much about sex.

How did you learn about sex? Of course you know a lot of the sexual basics, but how did you gain your information on this subject?

It's unlikely that you ever heard a "birds and bees" lecture from your parents and even if you did, you were most likely too embarrassed to ask questions. And like most of the rest of us, you probably giggled through those grade-school Sex Ed classes.

So my guess is that you learned most of your sexual information through trial-and-error. You dated the opposite sex and played around in the back seat of a car, got excited, and maybe ended up "going all the way." You might even have had a more experienced tutor.

But your main goal was no doubt to act like you knew what you were doing (even though you didn't), because you feared being seen as a fool. In the beginning, we all concentrated on making ourselves feel good and hoped somehow that our partners enjoyed the encounter. Sometimes we succeeded and sometimes we did not.

What we do know is probably a little warped

Our sexual education likely continued when our friends shared their expertise with us, or we ogled the X-rated magazines, or read a succession of steamy novels or we salivated over porn videos. In consequence, our viewpoint may have become a little kinky.

All of this input created an image of what sex is supposed to be. But these experiences probably created a raw, even warped understanding of the subject so that once we're in a committed relationship, most of us find it difficult to keep sex exciting year after year. We have little idea how to enhance our sex lives and make it truly awesome.

Problems in Paradise

American men are not very good lovers. Let me ask you, after all this "on the job training", how good is your sex life? Ann Landers reported about a survey which she took over the years that revealed an amazing statistic. She found that 71% (64,000 women) reported they preferred to cuddle with their man rather than have sexual intercourse with him.

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Now this is an incredible indictment of the average man's ability to make love! If 71% of American women would rather cuddle than have sex with men, men are obviously doing a LOT wrong. Why is it that most of these women want to avoid sex?

Men don't understand how to arouse their women. The answer is not that all these women are undersexed. I believe that the answer can be found in the way men approach sex. Most men believe that the purpose of foreplay is to arouse the woman and prepare her for sexual intercourse.

So men kiss passionately, fondle a woman's breasts, touch her skin and then rub the clitoris until she gets wet. Then they believe it's time for sexual intercourse. But while most men have climaxes through intercourse, many women do not. Is it any wonder that a woman in this situation would rather cuddle than have intercourse?

Women often avoid sex because it isn't that good for them. In the group counseling sessions I've had over the years, I've heard many women complain about their man's sexual performance. In most cases, these women felt their husbands were not very loving individuals even though they were often consumed by sex. If a man can step back and view lovemaking from his woman's point-of-view, he will probably understand why his wife views him as a poor lover.

Men are often seen as failures by women when it comes to meeting their emotional and sexual needs. Understand that most women's emotional and physical needs are simply not met through sexual intercourse. So it's no wonder women don't want sex if it isn't good for them or if they feel they're being used.

What causes a woman's coolness? When a woman doesn't like sex, it is likely that her coolness is caused by at least one of three things: 1) the lack of proper physical stimulation by her male lover, 2) not having her emotional needs met, or 3) she has developed a coolness toward sex based upon past experiences with you (or others).

Why some women want to avoid sex. A wife may come to view sex as something that just isn't pleasurable and therefore try to avoid it whenever possible. She may also have an increasing frustration towards her husband for his insensitivity, and find herself harboring unresolved emotional issues toward him.

The man in turn, wonders why he was so unlucky to get a woman who "dislikes" sex. A lot of husbands are frustrated with their wives, wondering why it takes them so long to get aroused. He thinks: "There's something wrong with her!"

For many couples, sex has become a great disappointment. Unfortunately, neither lover knows how to reverse this situation. Both may end up feeling that they have been dealt a "bad hand" in their love life.

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Sex has so many facets to it, you will find the more you learn, the more possibilities remain. But let me assure both of you that you can dramatically improve your sex lives. Intimate sex can provide the answers and give you a whole new outlook. But for this to happen, you must be willing to "relearn sex".

Sensual intimacy is an incredibly powerful glue that can bond the two of you together. If you reshape your attitudes towards sex, it can become the highlight of your relationship.

Once your mind is "re-tooled" on this subject, then you can begin to concentrate on improving your techniques. At the final stages of your learning experience, both of you will begin to retrain your bodies so that you can respond on a whole new and higher level than you ever thought possible.

Sex Class 101

1. Why does sex "go bad"? Think back for a moment to the beginning of your relationship together. Men, you first became involved, your woman was in love with you and sex was exciting to her. Why is that? It is probably because you wined and dined her. You brought her flowers and offered her gifts (perhaps including diamonds and gold). You probably verbalized to her how beautiful she was and declared your undying affection. In short, she felt loved and cherished because you were meeting most of her emotional needs.

At the beginning of your marriage, she was probably so much in love with you that she could look beyond the fact that sex was merely "okay" for her. She did this because of the intensity of her feelings for you which made sexual intercourse somewhat enjoyable. She probably wanted to please you and being physically intimate expressed those intense emotions she felt for you. So she gave you access to her sexuality, because her emotional needs were being met.

But things may have changed over time. Perhaps your relationship became more static and predictable. Over the months or years, the display of your love probably cooled down. You may have stopped spending so much money on her (or the things you spent it on seemed less romantic). Somewhere along the way you probably also stopped telling her how you felt about her, because after all, you had already said all those things.

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When most men encounter this situation, they're probably still enjoying sex on a regular basis, so they may not feel anything is wrong. They probably don't sense any need to make their woman feel special in order to woo her into bed. As a result, the woman's desire for sex may fall off dramatically. Because her emotional needs are not being met, sex can become a duty for her that she resents, and in some cases she may even detest it.

So how can you go about changing this situation?

Because sex begins in the mind, it is important to first change your mental outlook. A man must learn new ways to stimulate his lover's heart and mind, because for most women, the most powerful aphrodisiac comes on the emotional level.

Your first step will be to reshape your concept of how sex is supposed to work. Because sensuality starts in the mind, you need a completely different framework from what you've had in the past.

next: Understanding Intimacy