My Personal Cutting Story

My personal cutting story is very difficult for me to write. I'm not even sure how to begin.

My cutting story begins with the fact that I am a 33-year-old female adoptee (yes, adults self-harm) with two teenage sons who my parents are raising. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 9 years old and have been self-injury cutting semi-regularly since I was about 12. I cut myself deep enough to require stitches twice. However, looking back on it, my self-harm wasn't about suicide. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel something - anything.

I remember when I was about 5 or 6 telling my mom I had bad blood. I don't think I even really knew what I meant, but that has stuck with me throughout my life. It's one of the amazing parts of my cutting story. I have "fought" myself in regards to the cutting and absolutely refused to cut and have been totally miserable. Prozac has helped up to this point, but it's almost like it's not helping anymore. Maybe in some ways I am getting healthier... I don't know. The impulse to cut and run and do other destructive activities has slowed down a lot, but every now and then, it still pops up. When I feel like I need to cut now, I do.

Thousands of Cutters: I'm Not Alone

I've been diagnosed with everything: bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, multiple personality disorder... you name it. The therapist I've been seeing for the last year-and-a-half for cutting help and treatment for cutting and other problems is very helpful. He realizes it's about getting through the feelings of why I do the things I do, and it's not about locking me up anymore (a "habit" my parents got into when they couldn't control me when I was growing up). A couple of months ago, after a therapy session (after I had started cutting again), I went to the bookstore and found A Bright Red Scream by Marilee Strong. Just in the first few pages, I was so relieved that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and that what I feel about when and why I self-harm is normal for cutters. My mom and dad are even starting to understand more about cutting. It's about release, not dying.

My younger son has impulse problems (they're getting better though) and my older son is also on Prozac (he is ADD). Both my sons are very intelligent and sensitive young men. Even with what I've been through, watching my parents deal with the problems with my children instead of just having them locked up has been wonderful for my growth and gives my being raised the way I was kind of a purpose. I don't know if that makes sense or not... Come to think about it, I don't know if any of this has made any sense. I'm not even sure why I wrote this to you other than I guess I want to say that there is hope.

Other than the occasional cutting, my life is more "normal" and stable than I could have ever asked for. I have two jobs that I love. I'm in a relationship with a man who is sensitive and supportive of me (even with the cutting - he's even trying to understand it!!). I have a good relationship with my boys and my parents. I have a few wonderful friends and, for the most part, most of the time, am very very happy.

That's my cutting story. Thanks for letting me share it. I hope it helps someone.