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"I am innocent of the illness that befell me." "I am strong. I am brave." "I am worthy of self-compassion." These are a few of my positive affirmations, said aloud or in silence, to help (re)train my brain. When I started therapy to treat trauma-induced anxiety and panic, these words were hollow and represented nothing more than wishful thinking. As my treatment progresses, adaptive thoughts, similar to my affirmations, are integrating themselves into what I believe about myself.
Beyond the scope of a checking account, money and I have never been on speaking terms. I suspect attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is making me bad with money. When others speak of investing, 401(k)s, or, frankly, even savings, I feel the desperate desire for a Rosetta Stone to help me translate. I took four years of French in high school, and I can still remember "Le chien est sur la route!" in case there's ever a dog in the road, and I need to alert somebody, but Finance might as well be Ancient Sumerian as far as my comprehension is concerned.
Yesterday, I received a phone call about someone I love who is not well. I took this particular phone call while my dinner plate was in front of me. I pushed around vegetables with my fork, listening and processing the news. After the call, the evening went on. I covered a page in my sketchbook with watercolor stripes. I read Shel Silverstein's poems. I noticed I didn't feel the urge to scour the pantry for food to snack on as I had in the past. Sometimes binge eating disorder (BED) flares amid grief, and sometimes it stays dormant.
If you have bipolar disorder, do you have a broken brain? This depends on a lot of things, such as your definition of "brain" and "broken." I feel that I have a broken brain with bipolar disorder, and, more importantly, I find that perspective very helpful in battling bipolar disorder.
When my phone lights up with a notification from Instagram, I immediately open the app and start scrolling. Scrolling on Instagram is quite addictive, and I cannot seem to stop once I start. This doesn't just waste my time but also has detrimental effects on my mental health. From body image issues to low self-esteem, using Instagram is anxiety-inducing.
Here's the thing: depression is a mood disorder that impacts all areas of one's life. I am not saying this to be dramatic or bleak. All I am doing is stating a fact as a 31-year-old living with depression since the age of 13. Anyway, just as no amount of money can make up for a toxic work environment, no amount of ambition or purpose can make up for the havoc of depression. Therefore, it is crucial for people with it to redefine professional success.
Every time I hear of gun violence in the news, I wonder how soon after the conversations about mental health, and mental illness, in particular, will follow. It’s usually not too long. With the recent stories of gun violence in the news, it’s been no different. People were quick to blame mental health issues for the actions taken by these individuals.
I've recently, painfully, discovered that stress increases anxiety to interminable levels. Stress, of course, worsens one's mental health in many ways, but the way that I'm primarily feeling it is through anxiety (and probably depression; anxiety and depression being knitted together as they are). Previously, I didn't have the anxiety problems I do today, and I didn't realize just how bad anxiety could feel until this latest bought of stress increasing my anxiety.
A couple of weeks ago, I volunteered to distribute sanitary products and a hot meal to the unhoused community of Washington D.C. through the impactful and committed organization, The Distant Relatives Project. The experience produced a mix of emotions. I felt heartbroken to see so many individuals in need; the worst of it was learning that a large number of unhoused individuals who struggle with mental health issues do not have access to professional help. It is a crisis.
For many verbal abuse victims, like myself, one of the most challenging aspects of moving forward is accepting the reality of the situation. I had an extremely difficult time in my healing journey until I realized that I could never have the relationship with my abuser that I wanted.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. You are a very caring person, and I commend you for, as Tammy Wynette sings, "Stand(ing) by your man." That aside, I wholeheartedly agree with you that those living with depression may seem selfish to someone on the outside. Still, in reality, they (me also being one of them) think our loved ones would be better off without us around because of our depression. We think we are doing our loved ones a favor by leaving. Depression causes our brains to work in different ways, causing us to think distortedly -- so no, we are not purposefully being selfish. Thank you for seeing that with your loved one and not allowing someone else to convince you otherwise.
Well, eventually, the depression demons took hold and he told me on August 5th 2023 that he decided he wanted to just move to MT and isolate himself from everyone. He had been offered a free place to stay if he did some maintenance. He is very handy and that type of situation was very ideal because it was flexible; he only worked on things on the days he was physically up to it.
We talked every night like "normal" up until he left on April 14th 2023. We had a long distance relationship then and so I didnt get to see him in person often and didnt see him that last week. He told me one last time that he loved me and he was sorry to hurt me and I have not heard from him since. He didnt even tell his parents or sister he was leaving.
I still love him as much as I ever have even though it has been over a year since we last spoke. I just had dinner with a close friend who was always very critical of him because often he would have to cancel plans last minute due to the Crohn's or because he would go dark for weeks at a time. She told me tonight that he is a selfish person and that if he truly loved me he would have gotten help for the depression. Oddly, she has been depressed before and suicidal which you would think would make her more understanding. I asked her if when she contiplated suicide was she selfish? She said yes. I said but are you a selfish person and she said no. I said that was the same for him. Sure him leaving me and his family was "selfish" but at his core, is he selfish? Absolutely not. She thinks because she was able to conquer her depression that if he really loved me, he would have fought his depression. It makes me sad to think she cant see the amazing guy that is buried under the depression. I know, without a doubt, if he did get a handle on the depression, that he would NOT be selfish at all. It is hard to understand why others cant see the true person under the depression.
I hope those that are struggling know that not everyone will abandon you in your time of suffering. There are people out there that see the real you and would do anything to help.
I encourage all those suffering from depression to not only tell your loved ones what you are going through, but also to seek professional help. And for those of you who love a person suffering from depression, have compassion and understanding for their struggle. Know they do not intentionally hurt you and deep down they still love you even if they cant show it.
Thanks for reading.
p.s. I also struggle with depression and anxiety but I did get help and between medication and coping techniques, I am able to be myself again.
From the story you told, it sounds like you know when your partner's alters switch.
I'm sorry this was written in the first/second person. But maybe apply this to your situation with a grain of salt.