Tips For Partners Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dear Holly,
I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a woman I believe has DID. Before evolving our relationship to a more intimate one, Sadie and I were close friends for over 10 years. Since we lived 500 miles apart, we'd often talk on the phone, sometimes half through the night. We became close enough to share things with one another which we hadn't shared with anyone else. I've known for 6 years she felt like there were other "people" inside her head talking to her, influencing her and "making" her do things. She lives in a small town, where unfortunately mental health resources are limited.
2 years ago, she had a breakdown and was referred to the local mental health clinic. She's been in therapy ever since. She has NOT yet been diagnosed with DID. So far she's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar-depression, Severe depression with psychotic episodes. The frightening thing is that they are still trying to treat her with medication to diminish what they think are delusions or hallucinations, which only seems to complicate the problem.
Three days ago, she became overwhelmed by the noise from and influence of the "voices". She began to consider self injury or suicide, "to find some relief" as she put it. In that state of mind, she says she's willing to "either silence them or all of us". She called me immediately and had her sister take her to the emergency room. She's been down this road a few times before. This time she packed her bag for an extended stay ahead of time. After one night in the small town hospital under restraints and sedation, they transferred her to a behavioral unit 100 miles away.
This has been the cycle of her life for the past 2 years. She gets overwhelmed and seeks help, they put her into a ward for a week or two where they try different medication combinations and send her home when they think she's stable. Only one psychiatrist has mentioned the possibility of DID, he however was in from another state filling in. She never saw him again.
She was always honest with me about the alters, and is learning about what triggers them to come out. She has what I believe is the typical aggressive protector alter. This alter admittedly holds Sadie's repressed memories from her, and believes she's protecting her in doing so. Some days it's as if she's tormenting or manipulating her by using the memories as collateral. (That's my deduction which I won't share with Sadie. I think she needs to find her own conclusions.) The alter doesn't like me, I think she feels threatened by me and our relationship. In my first experience with her, things didn't go well. I have since learned to embrace her as a part of Sadie and always greet her courteously when she comes out. I'm finding she's less aggressive this way and stays out less, usually no more than a few moments. Sadie wishes she never came out at all.
My fear is that Sadie may never get the level of care she needs in a small town. Due to family commitments however, she intends to stay at least for the next several years. She's an extremely intelligent person. She's researched every disorder she's been diagnosed with, each time coming to the conclusion of "maybe I have this, but that's not all there is going on in me."
Thank you for having this forum available for patients and especially for SO's. I'll be bookmarking and coming back to visit often. The more I can learn about how best to manage my role in her life, the better it will be for the both of us.

The Karen & Tracey above are you the authors of the book, 'Amongst Ourselves'? I am currently reading it so I can better support my partner. She has DID & PTSD. Thank you for this book if you guys are it is my first feel fortunate to have stumbled on to it. It was recommended on a website I was researching DID on. It is written perfectly for me to understand she is interested in reading it when I am finished from me talking about it to her.
Our relationship is a complicated one. We have been friends for over 20 years. We reconnected via Facebook through a mutual friend. Me my current relationship was over years ago. She is in one that is ending too that has been over for years as well.
After long talks and sharing we released we'd fallen in love. We connect on every level imaginable. In the near future we will be living together but until that time we are apart. :-( She revealed to me her condition I was not scared off in the least. I've been researching the disorder and supporting her wholeheartedly.
Right now though she is in crisis (again) she has gone deep into her system. Her therapy is not going as she wants. Her relationship is a mess he causes extreme stress fighting with her, yelling and doesn't support her condition in fact doesn't believe it is real or even her past is real! In the book it talks about having a safe system setup before trying to recall these memories that is not there. Every time she goes to her Dr. she is in crisis for days this time it is three days and counting. She doesn't want to interrogate but learn control and communication within her system as spoke of in the book. Her current Dr. is pushing interrogation.
I am researching here to find a new Dr. for her. She needs to have this in place before she can move obviously. It is a daunting task but I am totally up for it. There is nothing I would not do for her to support her.
So two things if someone can offer any advice on selecting a new Dr.? Plus she will joining me here be living in Ottawa, Canada if anyone knows of any Dr. treating DID here? OR some place to find such a therapist has to be a psychiatrist to be covered my medicare here.
Secondly how can I try to reach her especially long distance when she is lost inside the system? I have contact with several alters that trust me. She has supplied me with a list of all the alters she knows of with there job in the system. There are 13 but 3 unknown one is dangerous to her safety have exchanged with him (it) not sure of its sex? All others are supportive of her one is very young hides never met. We chat online and txt. She is still in the abusive (emotional) relationship there so our contact is limited. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I am not afraid of a little work. I also support her through thick and thin. We are both Christians. I know this is not the story book romance but neither is DID a happy story line either. I know that with my positive support, a better therapy approach plus our shared faith she will have an easier time of it. Until then I need to know how best to support her and help her long distance? Any ideas there would be great too.
God Bless you All who are DID. On Christians sites they say it is a gift from God used to save the survivors life - I believe that. Your fortitude to move forward living successful lives is promising a great power of example. She strives for this herself. Each and everyone of you amaze me as I pray for her endlessly daily. I'll include you all in my prayers tonight.
God Bless,
Dan

Dear Holly,
First of all thank you for this article. It really helped with some of my worries and put things into perspective. Just recently I came out, and even more recently my close friend and I decided to start dating. She has DID, so I was doing some research when I found this article. I would love to hear more from your partner. Thank you again.
-Kelsey

@Elizabeth,
I sympathize with your situation, and am in a somewhat similar situation. The personality that is taking control is not "my husband" and we are still working on that. I've search so long for a site for spouses/SO of DID and have found nothing beyond "this is how you survive divorce"...I can offer you a website if it would help.
@Holly,
Would love to hear more. Do you have a blog, etc?
thank you!
~grayscale

No, that actually makes a lot of sense, and what I had a feeling it was about! See, I didn't realize I was pushing back then, because the part of him I'll call "Good Guy" was so unbelievably relieved that what he was dealing with all his life actually had a NAME. He was so questioning, and interested, and concerned, and actively seeking information by now researching and researching on his own. I would then get confused when the other part (the aggressive part I call "Stud Guy") came out and told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE, because the other part would come back and want to continue asking questions.
Not only did I know which part to follow, but I have always had the very, very difficult time of being able to tell who is telling me what -- I can't always tell the difference between Good Guy and Stud Guy, so don't always know when he has switched, versus just being the same person who's changed his mind.
But, yes, in retrospect now, I plainly see that I pushed and threatened him. It was so hard though! He would tell me he felt threatened, I would tell him "then we completely don't have to talk about it (DID), and I'll only bring it up if you ask" and then he would ask! But what I didn't see was that one part of him wanted to know, and the other part did NOT, and I see now that perhaps one needs to align oneself with what the system can deal with as a whole.
It was just completely confusing to me.
I was also pushing so much, because "Stud Guy" was acting out sexually and deeply threatening our six year relationship, and the other parts of him had no idea.
But, now it's a mess. The Protector won't let anyone in the system talk to me (except for pop outs of "Good Guy" who doesn't seem to totally know what's going on) even though I still see the body frequently around my small town. Stud Guy is now with someone else, putting up an ultimate devastating barrier. I see the truth of what's going on with his DID, but can't do a single thing about it, and I do still love all of him and wish we could work this out.
I also see, as I'm glad you mentioned Holly, that Stud Guy is "my guy" when I look at the whole system. He has just always hated me, even before the DID talk, and I've never been able to see eye to eye with him. He has always thought, simply by me being around, that I was trying to prevent him from being the "Stud Guy" he is, and have 100% freedom to sleep with other women, because he didn't recognize that there was another part of him that was committed and in a serious relationship with me. He would frequently come out and tell me he HATED MY GUTS because I interfered with him being "free."
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,
I'm really glad Leigh asked the questions she did, and I'm glad you answered them. You've given us a much clearer picture of your situation. I want to gently offer a few thoughts ...
You said:
"I interacted regularly with other alters, and knew that some parts knew about each other and accepted that they were many, and some parts firmly thought they were the only one and would get very aggressive when I tried to show them otherwise. I had finally convinced one of his main parts, the one I was mostly in the relationship with, to get help."
You knew he was multiple, you (understandably) encouraged him to get help. But your wording tells me that you pushed it. Some parts would get aggressive when you brought up DID, and the words "finally convinced" suggest that you made a real effort to get him to believe he has DID and seek help. I understand why. You were trying to help. But DID systems are designed to go undetected, most particularly (usually, not always) to the person with DID. The aggressive response you received is a clear message: My psyche is not prepared to deal with this right now. Back off.
I see partners make this mistake a lot - and to be clear, I do believe it's a mistake - they see a problem they know can and ought to be solved and they point it out; then when they're told, in essence, to leave well enough alone, they don't. They push. And push. And then when some other part of the system is more receptive to their information, their dedication is renewed, and they push some more.
I'm going to say this bluntly and it's for every partner of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder: if any part of your partner's system tells you, aggressively, to back off - and I don't care if what comes out is denial or skewed thinking, it's still a message to back off - then you would do well to leave it alone. If that isn't possible, it's a good time to think about whether or not you can stay in the relationship with your partner *exactly* as they are. If not, the solution isn't to convince them to do anything different - even if you're utterly convinced doing something different is what's best for them (would you like it if someone presumed to know what's best for you?) - the solution is to move on.
You also said:
"I loved him with my entire soul - all of him, knowing he’s more than one.This current dominant alter is the only one I’ve ever had a problem with…and he’s never been so out and dominant than like this."
I think that perhaps some of the struggle is coming from your view of this particular alter as someone other than the man you love. You are separating them, saying I love my partner, but this alter is getting in the way. That alter *is* your partner, even if he says he's not. And I wouldn't be surprised if he feels incredibly disrespected and like his boundaries have been violated ... you said he had DID, he said No, don't talk about it, you didn't listen. Do you see? You love all of him - so treat this aspect of him with dignity and respect. If you cannot be with him without him acknowledging he has DID and going into treatment, that's 100% understandable. But it's just as understandable that he can't be with you if you won't allow him to decide what's best for himself, even if that's denying what is to you an obvious mental illness.
This aspect of his identity became so dominant because it's main focus is protecting the psyche, not your feelings. And unfortunately, you became the threat to his psyche he had to protect against.
Does that make sense? I understand it may be both confusing and painful to hear.

Thanks Tracy for adding your comments. I'm really just trying to understand versus "deciding" what to do about the relationship. I will probably stick around long enough to see if he switches, and to see if during that switch, he will go back into therapy.
If he does, that's one choice, if he doesn't that's another. I do think that this is an alter who is doing "the cheating" and that this switching of hosts came about because of the trauma of the diagnosis which sent the system into chaos. Before that, he had been stable (in terms of who was the dominant host) for years.
So, for now I'm just watching from the background, and praying that he switches back sooner rather than later, and that that part (who's the most co-conscious) will want to get help, AND...that the other parts will let him.
I loved him with my entire soul - all of him, knowing he's more than one.This current dominant alter is the only one I've ever had a problem with...and he's never been so out and dominant than like this.
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,
From the moment I read your first post I wanted to have something valuable to contribute in this discussion, but I was remiss. I can imagine your pain and wondering, as I experience these things often myself, but only in much smaller doses. I'm very fortunate to have a DID partner that has never strayed very far from her/our "normal" day to day life.
I think Holly has summed it up best in the above comment, "It’s just that, regardless of his mental illness, you have the right to choose stability and consistency to whatever degree works best for you."
As i've often done in my own relationship, I would encourage to you to ask yourself if what is happening right now can happen again and again and make the relationship still worth it. With or without DID, we all have our limits and should be realistic about them. It's hard to do that when you're hurting (and desperately missing your man), I certainly understand that. But I have to agree with Leigh. If he's in a completely different relationship, your mental/physical/emotional health will NOT be sustained by waiting for it to change.. and then change again.. ad nauseum...
It's important to pay attention to what the therapists are telling you. It's important to look at the situation you're in right now and ask yourself if it's something you could sustain long term.
I hope you find the resolution that serves you best, and soon.
Tracy

Oh, and he got diagnosed when we were sitting in the therapist's office and he was telling the therapist how much he really loved me.
Then he suddenly SWITCHED, stood up, and started calling me all these horrible horrible names in a very aggressive stance and the therapist had to intervene. Then he SWITCHED again and looked extremely confused, and wouldn't answer to his name, then the therapist asked him to go sit in the waiting room and take a "time-out"....when he came back, the therapist asked him what of the last 15 minutes did he remember, and he said he was "unclear" why he was in the waiting room. That the last thing we were talking about was how much he deeply loved me.
And, with a ton of other stuff and examples, that's how he got officially diagnosed. I never saw my guy as a dominant host again...only the small pop outs mentioned above. Since that time, The Protector became very aggressive towards me verbally, and since then has found someone else (which, at this writing has been going on for two months).
I'm just watching from the background, trying to comprehend.
Elizabeth

Hi Holly,
Thanks for emailing me. I hadn't checked this post. I am just still trying to comprehend what has happened, and how I lost my man. My own therapist, as well as the therapist we were seeing together, have both said that he is in a "switched state," that this is an alter, or a different "blend" of him who is now having a relationship with this other woman (So Leigh, he is having a serious relationship now - just not with me!), and that the parts that I know and love, and who love me are still in there, intact, underneath.
They believe he will just spontaneously switch back, and be very confused about who this new person is, where I am, and how everything in his life got rearranged.
They're not telling me to wait for him, or not wait for him...just trying to help me understand that this isn't "just a man who cheated on me" or decided to move on in the traditional understanding of what those phrases mean. Basically, like you said Holly, that EVERYTHING in him is colored by the DID.
To answer the other questions posed, I did know he was a multiple, and have known for years. I interacted regularly with other alters, and knew that some parts knew about each other and accepted that they were many, and some parts firmly thought they were the only one and would get very aggressive when I tried to show them otherwise. I had finally convinced one of his main parts, the one I was mostly in the relationship with, to get help.
And, that's when the other part came out, quit therapy, "quit" me after seven years, and for the last two months has put up a barrier by having a relationship with someone else. This is the part, by the way, who's a Protector, and thinks he's the only one.
The therapists tell me that he very well might switch back and seek me out, but of course he will always be switching, and switching, and switching. We had been pretty stable for years...there was just this one part who hated me, and would tell me so, but the other parts (the warm, nice parts who loved me) seemed dominant.
But now, there seems to have been a changing of the guard, as you say Holly. He seems to have switched not just alters, but dominant hosts. Worth saying, I still see "my " parts pop out -- I saw a little just the other day, looking longingly at me from afar like he was going to cry.
Elizabeth

I'm really sorry to say that I don't keep up in this site the way I think I should, but ... how to say. DID is so small a part of our lives now, mine and my partner's, that it just doesn't seem pertinent most of the time. That having been said, I do have a lot of experience in this arena and, as a partner, probably offer a different perspective than most of the people found in DID support areas. So,
You don't say, Elizabeth, what led to his diagnosis. I mean, was he switching a lot? Losing time? Was he presenting as a cohesive personality before this? Did you know he was multiple? All those things, I think, are perhaps pertinent to whatever's now going on.
In any event, and reiterating some of what Holly said, including the fact that I don't know him and this is all speculation - however experienced and education that speculation might be - it sounds to me as if there has indeed been some kind of switch, whether to an entirely different personality/alter or to some sort of modified version of "himself," probably because (again, as Holly said) he doesn't want to admit to/deal with the DID and that's hard to avoid if he's involved with someone who knows. It could also be that a serious relationship is just too much to deal with on top of the diagnosis. Serious relationships take a lot of emotional energy and require a strong amount of system cooperation.
I would also add that diagnosis itself generally throws a system into fairly complete upheaval -- it's scary, and people panic and every defense mechanism generally goes into overdrive.
Personally, I would suggest that you get on with your life. I don't mean that in a callous way, I mean it the way Holly's partner meant it in the original post when she said set your boundaries, take care of yourself ... do not get into the habit/pattern of letting yourself be a puppet on the strings of his DID. Theoretically, he could switch back and forth every month, break up with you and walk away, call you desperate to get back together, break up with you again ... set your boundaries now, it's much harder to do later. Don't make his DID the overriding fact of your life. Go out with friends, keep up with your hobbies ... I myself would be really leery of trying to be in a serious, monogamous relationship with someone who's still so fragmented and has (apparently) such mixed feelings about the relationship, though I'm not saying it's necessarily impossible.
What do you think, Holly?

To clarify the above, I should say that my SO is very conscious of the fact that we were together for years, but "doesn't care" - it "doesn't mean anything to him" at all...he is completely disconnected from any FEELING or emotion about it, or me, in general.
He just suddenly doesn't have any attachment to me at all and started something with this other woman, and I just can't separate whether this is an alter doing this, or whether this is "my" man and a symptom of the DID. He quit therapy right after he got officially diagnosed, and that's when he left me. So alter or not? Is there any way to really tell? I'm so devastated and confused.

Holly,
I can't make sense of what happened to me, and didn't know if there's anyway I can email you directly -- my SO of seven years, who has diagnosed DID, suddenly had a "hard switch" and remembers our relationship in FACT, but not in feeling, and abruptly left me and is now having a serious relationship and sleeping with someone else every night!
Its like I've been erased from existence...he doesn't remember all the years we spent together at all. They mean nothing, and I'm having a hard time processing all of this in light of his DID...because it looks like the same man.
I keep getting the DID confused with the thought, "maybe after seven years he just had enough, and decided to move on to someone else." Can you maybe email me some perspective? Your blog is so helpful.

Holly,
Thanks for your site! I'd also love to find resources for me as a partner, also same-sex, and to hear more of your partner's experience. Reading about your relationship experiences I feel that I'm not alone. God bless, and thanks!

Holly:
Would love to hear more from your partner. There is oodles of research, memoirs, etc for those challenged and rewarded by life w/DID but very little for their partners, and specifically partners in same-sex couples. Thanks!