A Medication for My Schizoaffective Disorder Caused OCD

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About 16 years ago, I was prescribed an antipsychotic for my schizoaffective disorder, and it triggered obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) symptoms. Here are some of the ways I acted with schizoaffective disorder and OCD.

My Experience with OCD and Schizoaffective Disorder

I’ve always had anxiety accompanying my schizoaffective disorder, but the combination of schizoaffective disorder and OCD symptoms meant that my usual anxiety was multiplied by at least 10. It went from my “regular” anxiety into the realm of the absurd.

I had a nighttime job, and one of my tasks was to close the office at night and check all the other office rooms before leaving for the night. My schizoaffective disorder and OCD didn’t make this so easy. The main problem I had was with doorknobs. Yes, doorknobs. If this sounds like a tumble down the rabbit hole, get ready because it was.

I was worried that I was closing the doors “wrong.” My schizoaffective disorder and OCD made me wonder if I should close the door shut or close it and then turn the doorknob so the door was tightly shut. I thought the daytime inhabitants of these offices might prefer me to close the door one way over the other.

Also, I used to worry that I had accidentally locked doors when I closed them, so I would open them and close them repeatedly to make sure that hadn’t happened.

Why Am I Writing About My Schizoaffective Disorder and OCD Now?

The reason I’m telling this story about OCD symptoms and schizoaffective disorder now is that it’s gotten a lot better since I’ve gone off the old antipsychotic medication. Still, I feel my brain is permanently scarred. Yes, I’m less anxious than I was when I was on the medication, but I’m significantly more anxious than I was before I went on it, to begin with.

I feel like an invalid. I’m afraid to drive. I used to be afraid to go out in the rain or snow at all, even just walking, and all this means that I rarely go outside alone, without a “safe” person, like a family member or a close friend. I have to admit that bone-on-bone arthritis in my knees and the ensuing knee replacement surgeries are a big factor in all this, too.

I don’t want this article to come off as sounding as though I am in any way opposed to psychiatric treatment. I am finally on the right mix of medications, and they’re helping me immensely. I’ve had bad experiences with a few medications, but ultimately, I can say psychiatry and the interventions it enables have saved my life.

Sometimes, I Don’t Know Why I’m Anxious

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One of the problems I have found when dealing with anxiety is not knowing why I'm anxious. Overall, throughout the years, I've been able to build my resilience to stress, and as a result, I can cope more effectively when I'm experiencing a stressful situation. But, part of the problem with having an anxiety disorder is that, even if you've felt fairly well for quite some time, you can still experience a resurgence of anxiety symptoms. Even during the happiest times in my life, I've had to be aware of anxiety triggers and how they may affect me when I least expect it, even when I don't know why I'm anxious.

What I Feel When I Don't Know Why I'm Anxious

When I experience anxiety unexpectedly, this will usually begin with feeling as though I am on edge. I may feel irritable and easily agitated. I might even direct that agitation at people around me for no particular reason.

I'll also feel an overall feeling that something terrible is going to happen. This is not usually due to anything specific, but I end up with a sense of foreboding that becomes difficult to shake off. Sometimes, this feeling will automatically lead to being in a poor mood, and I'll also find that I'm just waiting for that bad thing to happen. Because of this, it becomes hard to see things in a positive light, as I normally try extremely hard to do. All of this without me knowing why I'm anxious.

One of the most difficult things to deal with is the sense of panic that I may experience. This is beyond the typical racing heart rate and shortness of breath that I might feel. If I do panic, the physical symptoms may be so intense that I try to attribute it to some cause, any cause, and so I might find myself incorrectly identifying an unrelated trigger.

How I Deal with Not Knowing Why I'm Anxious

So, how do I deal with not knowing why I'm anxious?

First, I have to deal with panicking in the moment, which is calmed through deep breathing and grounding myself. Then, what I've found is that one of the most helpful strategies when I am experiencing an unexpected panic attack is to journal. Journaling helps me sort out my emotions and organize them in a way that makes sense to me. When I can see things logically, this tends to help relieve my anxiety.

Perhaps counterintuitively, I try not to focus on what has caused me to feel anxious without knowing why. This is because I know that sometimes, I may feel anxious even without a trigger, or perhaps the trigger has occurred without my conscious awareness.

In any case, I instead try to focus on calming my symptoms. I've noticed that building my self-awareness of the physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety that I usually experience and then learning how to reduce and calm these symptoms has naturally helped me to build my resilience.

In the video I've included, I talk about my experiences with dealing with the situation when I don't know why I'm anxious.

Are there strategies you use to cope in these situations? If so, share them in the comments below.

Why You Should Make Self-Love a Priority on Valentine's Day

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Have you considered self-love this Valentine's Day/? Irrespective of whether you are single, committed, divorced, widowed, or self-partnered, Valentine's Day is a day when you should prioritize self-love. Here's why. 

Valentine's Day and Self-Love

Without delving into its historical origin, February 14, or Valentine's Day, is celebrated as a day of love. Many people believe this day is only for lovers, and they couldn't be more wrong. Love exists in multiple forms--familial, platonic, unconditional, and so on--which is why Valentine's Day is a day meant to celebrate all kinds of love and relationships. And hard as it is to practice, self-love is the most important love of your life. After all, no matter how social you are, you have no option but to spend some time in your company. Wouldn't those hours go by quicker if you liked yourself a little more than you currently do? 

The Importance of Self-Love on Valentine's Day

First off, I want to clarify that I do not believe in the school of thought that says you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. Self-love is challenging for most people, especially for those with mental health issues. That said,  self-love on Valentine's Day is good for your mental health. In my opinion, it eases the difficult, never-ending practice of self-care, a practice vital for our wellbeing. We are often our own worst critics, and what's a better occasion than Valentine's Day to be a little kind to ourselves? Plus, think about it: don't you deserve some of the love that you give to others? 

Today's social media posts will be mostly about couples bragging about their "perfect" relationships. Even though most of us know that no relationship is perfect, these posts will inevitably make us feel insecure about our love lives. Break the norm by refusing to join this silly oversharers club that only makes lonely people miserable. Post about self-love on Valentine's Day instead -- and empower everyone to feel good about themselves irrespective of their relationship status. 

When You Make Self-Love a Priority on Valentine's Day, It Gets Easier Every Day

If you can practice self-love on Valentine's Day--a day overhyped for celebrating romantic love--you will find it easier to practice on regular days. As you celebrate love in all its forms today, remember to give some love to yourself. Making self-love a priority will nourish your holistic wellbeing, and improving your relationship with yourself will improve your relationship with others. So, no matter what your plans for Valentine's Day, set aside some time for the most important person in your life--you. 

Using Breathwork to Battle Anxiety

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Breathwork can help with anxiety. Sometimes, when it comes to managing mental health, it's best to go back to the basics, like breathing. It seems too simple, and it is simple, but that doesn't make it any less important. Breathwork is an amazing tool to refocus, calm one's mind, and work through moments of high anxiety. The best part is that it can be done anywhere at any time.

The Impact of Breathwork on Anxiety Symptoms

I'm someone who tracks my heart rate consistently, and it's not uncommon for my heart rate to set between 90 and 120 beats per minute (BPM) when I get upset, anxious, or overwhelmed. For the past few years, I've defaulted to practicing breathwork when anxious, so I started experimenting with myself.

When I felt a wave of anxiety, I would do breathwork for a few minutes and then recheck my heart rate. I noticed that my BPM would drop by 10 consistently. As someone who values tangible results, such as numbers and figures, being able to see the impact of my breathwork visually made me a believer in its power. 

How to Use Breathwork for Anxiety

There's no right or wrong way to do breathwork for anxiety. Some people just like to pause and take a few deep breaths. Others enjoy guided breathwork meditations that can be found online.

For me personally, I've found a technique I enjoy that I had learned in therapy, and here's how I do my breathwork practice:

When to Use Breathwork for Anxiety

In a moment of panic, sometimes breathing is the only tool I can remember to use. When the mind is racing and in full-on freakout mode, so many things that feel obvious are thrown out the window.

Breathwork is great for times of panic, heightened anxiety, or when feeling upset in general. Anytime there is a feeling of loss of control, breathwork can be calming and centering. And the best part is, it's a practice that can be done at any place at any moment of the day.

I find myself doing breathwork when I get anxious driving, when I'm stressed at work, or when I'm laying in bed reliving unpleasant memories and thoughts. It takes my mind somewhere new and gives me a sense of control again. 

The simplicity of breathwork is what makes it such a powerful tool. Yes, other practices like journaling, exercise, and music are excellent ways to refocus and restore, but breathwork for anxiety is one of the only practices that can be done without having to get up or use any physical tools. When life gets out of hand, breathing through anxiety is an easy way to regain even a small amount of control -- which can make all the difference in the world.

Cultivating Self-Love: A Valentine's Day Celebration

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For those navigating mental health conditions, the journey toward self-love is not only crucial but can serve as a powerful catalyst for improved mental wellbeing. This Valentine's Day, let's shift the focus inward and explore the transformative practice of self-love, highlighting the empowering act of taking yourself on a date

Understanding the Importance of Self-Love

Self-love, the cornerstone of wellbeing, involves accepting and embracing who we are, imperfections and all, fostering a sense of compassion that significantly impacts our mental health. Living with mental health conditions creates a complex landscape of emotions and challenges, making the cultivation of self-love an essential tool for healing and growth. 

Boosting Self-Esteem Through Self-Love Practices

Embracing self-love practices becomes instrumental in boosting self-esteem. Rather than relying on external validation, turning inward allows individuals to recognize their own worth and celebrate personal achievements. This Valentine's Day, let's delve into the concept of "taking yourself on a date," a delightful and empowering way to reinforce self-love. 

Initiating the practice of self-love does not require waiting for someone else to make plans. It's about actively choosing to spend quality time with yourself and engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment. This could range from a solo nature walk, indulging in a favorite book, exploring a new hobby, or enjoying a meal at your favorite restaurant. The essence lies in relishing the experience and appreciating your own company. 

Self-Love Allows Us to Break Free from Stigmas

Society often perpetuates the notion that happiness and fulfillment are dependent upon external relationships. This Valentine's Day, Let us challenge these stigmas and embrace the beauty of solo activities. By taking yourself on a date, you dismantle the idea that self-love is contingent on external validation, empowering yourself to find joy in your own company. 

Learning to be comfortable with oneself is a gradual process, but it yields profound benefits. As individuals with mental health conditions embark on the journey of self-love, they discover newfound strength and resilience. Taking yourself on a date becomes a powerful act of self-affirmation, fostering a positive relationship with your own thoughts and emotions. 

This Valentine's Day, let us redefine love by turning our attention inward and embracing the practice of self-love right from the start. For those navigating mental health conditions, taking yourself on a date is not just an enjoyable activity; it's a transformative act that can enhance self-esteem and foster a deeper sense of wellbeing. By celebrating the unique and beautiful individuals we are, we pave the way for a brighter, more compassionate future, one where self-love is recognized as an essential foundation for mental health and happiness. 

Cultivating self-love is important. In today's video, I share some ideas for taking yourself on a date. 

5 Valentine's Day Affirmations for Self-Esteem

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I've found Valentine's Day affirmations helpful. For some people, Valentine's Day is full of flowers, candy hearts, thoughtful cards, fancy dinners, and romance. For others, it is a fun day to celebrate with family and friends. But for people struggling with depression or anxiety, this holiday can bring about feelings of loneliness, anger, and envy. It can be a reminder of heartbreak and loss. If you are going through a difficult time right now, here are some Valentine's Day affirmations for you.

5 Valentine's Day Affirmations for Self-Esteem

  1. Your feelings are valid. Perhaps on this holiday, you feel embarrassed about being single. Or maybe you still feel angry at your ex-partner for hurting you. Whatever the case may be, you are allowed to have a wide range of feelings. It is okay to cry and to reach out for help.
  2. You deserve to feel loved. If it has been a long time since someone made you feel loved, you might have forgotten what love feels like. Perhaps you doubt that you deserve it. Let this Valentine's Day affirmation assure you that you deserve to feel loved. You deserve to feel admired, respected, and valued.
  3. You are important. Perhaps your life requires you to care for others, but no one says thank you or acknowledges your hard work. This might make you feel undervalued and unappreciated. Please remember that no matter what anyone does (or doesn't) say, you are important. Your kind actions have a positive effect on another person's life, even when no one else sees it.
  4. Anything can change at any time. If you have been single for a long time, you might think you are going to be alone forever. But please remember that the present does not determine the future. Anything can change at any time. You might meet your soul mate sometime today, tomorrow, or next month. You never know. But when it happens, it will be wonderful.
  5. Your imperfections make you unique and special. Maybe someone ridiculed you for having imperfections. So you spent a lot of time trying to be better or to be perfect to win that person's approval. But the truth is that you don't need to be perfect to be valuable. Imperfections make people unique and special.

I hope that some of those affirmations help you see the beauty that shines through you. Do you have any of your own affirmations for Valentine's Day? Spread the love by sharing them in the comments.

How Do You Initiate Recovery from Gambling Addiction?

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Knowing how to initiate recovery from gambling addiction is hard. The internal struggle of wanting to break free from the grasp of compulsive gambling while feeling unsure about where to start can be overwhelming. I have been there, struggling with the yearning for change but feeling paralyzed by the enormity of the task of initiating my recovery from gambling addiction.

For the longest time, I didn't know how to quit gambling, even though it drained me. Gambling had become my identity. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw before bed. I knew it was an issue, but it was so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I had to part with something that I loved and defined who I was. Today, I'll be sharing insights on where to start when initiating compulsive gambling recovery.

How I Initiated My Recovery from Compulsive Gambling

Recognizing the grip of compulsive gambling -- Acknowledging the need for help is the first step in initiating recovery from compulsive gambling. For me, recognizing that my gambling habits had become compulsive opened the door to change. I knew I needed to do something, so I sought the right resources.

Building support networks for compulsive gambling recovery -- Reaching out to loved ones is crucial in overcoming compulsive gambling. I know talking to someone about your struggles can be challenging. I wondered whether my family and friends would listen and not blame me. But I gave them a chance. Sharing my struggles with someone I trusted not only relieved some of the burden but also created a network of understanding and encouragement that became an anchor in my recovery.

Exploring professional help for compulsive gambling -- Considering support groups and professional help for gambling addiction is essential in initiating recovery from compulsive gambling. Support groups offer a sense of community and shared experience. They make the journey less isolated as you connect with others facing similar challenges. Additionally, self-exclusion from gambling venues and seeking professional counseling or therapy can greatly aid in overcoming compulsive gambling.

Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength and self-compassion. You are not alone in this journey of a life free from the shackles of compulsive gambling. It is within reach.

My Advice for Verbal Abuse In Relationships

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Advice for verbal abuse is often sought. This call for help can be subtle or obvious, depending on their personality. Not surprisingly, I've been on both sides of this scenario. Although it can be easy to give verbal abuse advice, following it may be more challenging. 

Advice for Anyone Facing Verbal Abuse

It's important to understand that every verbally abusive situation is unique. Not everyone has the immediate resources to change their circumstances. Whether you currently deal with verbal abuse in relationships or have escaped these awful circumstances, this is my advice for verbal abuse to you. 

  • Everyone deserves love and respect, especially you.
  • Remember that you are a strong human. You've managed to get through every day so far. Keep going. 
  • If someone mistreats you, it's because of their unresolved internal issues. It's never your fault. 
  • Give yourself grace. We all make mistakes and learn from them. 
  • You are never alone. There are abuse resources and supports to help you at every stage of verbal abuse recovery
  • You can change the story of your life. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Following My Own Advice After Verbal Abuse

As a mother of four humans, I'm someone they ask for advice and support. I've given my children numerous strategies and tips with my advice. Many of these conversations included tools that I've learned from my therapists. Although these methods may be successful for my challenges, they may not fit everyone's situation. 

I'm not a doctor or medical health professional. However, I love to help people when they are hurting or in distress. My motherly instinct takes over when my kids come to me for support. However, I'm not always great at following my own advice. 

  • I sometimes forget to take a few deep breaths when I'm feeling overwhelmed. This small action can help prevent my anxiety from spiraling out of control. 
  • I don't give myself enough credit for the obstacles I've overcome. I need to recognize more how strong I am and that I can trust in myself to make good choices. 
  • I'm still struggling with my triggers. If something reminds me of a past verbally abusive situation, I don't always catch it early enough to avoid excess stress. I need to handle my reactions better.
  • I have the tools, resources, and support I need every day to face anything that arises. I don't have to handle difficult circumstances alone. 

Healing from verbal abuse is never simple or quick. It takes time and work to recover from a hurtful relationship. Unfortunately, I find giving others advice about verbal abuse is easier than following my own. It's just another one of those elements that I am working on during my verbal abuse journey. 

Guilty of Spending Too Much? You May Have Money Dysmorphia

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Money dysmorphia involves spending too much. When was the last time you went on a shopping spree? I'm not judging you; everybody needs a little retail therapy every now and then. But if you find yourself indulging in shopping too much, you may have money dysmorphia.

What Is Money Dysmorphia? 

According to a recent study by Credit Karma, money dysmorphia is explained as follows.

"Money dysmorphia is defined as having a distorted view of one's finances that could lead them to make poor decisions. This problem was much more pronounced among younger generations with 43% of Gen Z and 41% of Millennials saying they experience money dysmorphia, compared to 25% of Gen X and just 14% of respondents aged 59 or above."1

Money dysmorphia is why young people are overspending and going into debt. And like many notable problems young people face today, social media is to blame. 

Money Dysmorphia, Spending Too Much, and Social Media

In simpler times, we only compared ourselves with people in our social circles. Today, we have Instagram, which lets us compare ourselves with regular people, celebrities, and influencers based anywhere in the world. We often compare ourselves to others, and Instagram exacerbates this problem because many people use it to flaunt their lavish lifestyles. Plus, according to the Credit Karma study, Generation Z and Millennials are obsessed with being rich. 

The above factors are some of the reasons why I think spending too much and money dysmorphia is on the rise among youth active on social media like Instagram and TikTok. And can you blame us? Constantly seeing people vacationing in exotic locations, watching expensive makeup hauls, going on virtual tours of dream houses, etc., is bound to make anyone jealous. I think it is only natural for us to take the bait and overspend so that we also have something "noteworthy" to post. 

With Money Dysmorphia, Be Careful About Who You Follow

Just because overspending is natural does not mean you cannot overcome it. One thing you can do is be very picky about who you follow online. Do yourself a favor and stop following anybody promoting glamor and luxury as must-haves for a good life. Achieving financial stability is a far more realistic and wholesome goal. Besides, I think if you want to improve your quality of life, you should focus on your personal and spiritual growth instead of trying to keep up with others. As Sigmund Freud said,

"The only person with whom you have to compare yourself is you in the past."2

Still, you may find it difficult to stop spending too much and curb money dysmorphia. After all, we are constantly bombarded with sales and advertisements everywhere we go, especially in the online world. And since many of us have switched to cashless transactions from paper money, we are unaware of how much money we spend until it is too late. If you need help with budgeting or want someone to hold you accountable, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend

Sources

  1. Credit Karma. (2024, January 16). Gen Z and millennials are obsessed with the idea of being rich, and it could be leading to money dysmorphia. - Intuit Credit Karma. Intuit Credit Karma. https://www.creditkarma.com/about/commentary/gen-z-and-millennials-are-obsessed-with-the-idea-of-being-rich-and-it-could-be-leading-to-money-dysmorphia
  2. A quote by Sigmund Freud. (n.d.). https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10012562-the-only-person-with-whom-you-have-to-compare-yourself

Embracing Communication with Alters

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Every morning, I think about communicating with my alters. I embark on a journey within myself, stepping onto the internal bus where my alters await. With a roll call and a gentle reminder that I'm the sole driver, we set out on the day's path. Over the years, my alters, and I have traveled a winding road of unproductive, hostile communication, marked by fear and instability at the outset. But with time, understanding, and perseverance, we've learned to navigate this intricate terrain, fostering a dialog that supports our overall wellbeing by communicating with alters.

Communicating with Alters Is a Journey

I've found living with dissociative identity disorder (DID), communicating with alters is a fundamental aspect of daily life. These alters may manifest helpful, supportive, logistical, disruptive, confrontational, or harmful behaviors, posing challenges to stability and functionality. Yet, through patience, empathy, and creating a toolbox of strategies, we found a way to cultivate better communication and collaboration among alters within my internal system.

Communication with Alters Toolbox

In my journey living with DID, I've discovered several tools that have proven invaluable in facilitating communication with my alters.

  • Listening actively -- By offering an empathetic ear to each of my alters, regardless of their demeanor or language, I validate their experiences and emotions, fostering a sense of respect and acknowledgment within my system.
  • Establishing boundaries -- Setting clear boundaries and communication protocols provides a structure for my system. This lessens the yelling and fire alarms I internally experience, which makes it easier to communicate with my alteres and build trust and stability.
  • Providing space -- Allowing each of my alters the space to express themselves without judgment encourages authenticity and paves the way for building trust that I will help alters get their needs met and shows that we can support each other as a team.
  • Attending therapy -- For me, therapy has been a mixed-bag experience. However, having a therapist whom I connect with, whom my alters feel safe with, and who has experience with DID and internal family systems (IFS) work has offered me invaluable tools for managing conflict, addressing trauma, and promoting communication among alters.
  • Being self-aware -- The way I talked about myself and having DID was pretty negative until the past year. This negative self-talk about me and my alters sent a message of hostility, which did not help establish safety or trust. I have learned it's okay for me to have a bad day, but being aware of how I am engaging in self-talk and how my self-talk is impacting my alters helps lessen the animosity within my system.

Moving Forward Communicating with Alters

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Through my experience,
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Through my experience,
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I've learned navigating communication with my alters involves acknowledging their individual struggles and needs and viewing them not as adversaries but as fellow travelers who have supported me through my trauma and in life. This has helped me foster empathy and understanding for my alters, laying the foundation for constructive dialog and collaboration. 

While progress may be gradual, embracing the diversity and complexity of alters within my system enables me to work towards healing, everyday functioning, and improved overall wellbeing.