'Riley'

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Riley"

I Have been suffering with OCD, anxiety and depression from the time I was 7 years old. OCD for me started out with me washing my hands over and over believing that I was contaminated. Then as time went on I started to fear germs, and a illness called HIV. I began to think that if I came in contact with anyone or touched something, that i was going to get AIDS. It was very fearful for me. I often would wake up each day and think in my mind that I was gone to die that day. I would go over in my mind that I was going to be poisoned or swallow something harmful. These thoughts ruled my every day as a child.

Back in the middle 80's a women went a pulled a gun in a mall a killed a group of people for no reason. After this incident occurred I no longer wanted to leave my home, I was afraid that someone would shoot me or try to hurt me. My mom thought that by taking me to this mall and seeing that everything was fine that I would get over it. So she dragged me in the car at age 9, telling me that I would be okay. That we would get a new pair of shoes for me. I was so afraid that I became sick to my stomach and threw up in the mall. OCD caused me at times to loose consternation on my school work. I was always thinking about what bad thing might happen to me or my family or friends.

As a teenager OCD began to effect the way I thought of my self. I always felt the need to be perfect. I hated the way I looked I obsessed about my nose. I hated my nose. I began rituals of scrubbing and cleaning the whole house every day. Instead of going out with friends or having fun as a teen I would clean. Although i still had friends and saw them on the weekend. I was able to hide my problem from them. When I turned 16, i began to feel worthless, that life was un-meaningful. So I had in the back of my mind that I wanted to die. I was very depressed! I did not get out of bed for days. This caused me to miss a lot of school. I was writing poems about death and had treated my mom that i may kill myself. So my mom put me into a group home. There I stayed for 10 days, I began to take a drug called Prozac, witch when I returned home help with my compulsions and depression. I cleaned less. My life began to get better.

 I am now 26 years old, I am married. My husband at times has a hard time dealing with my illness. I don't really think he understands me or OCD. It is hard for me now to hold a full time job down, due to the fact that it interferes with my compulsions. My compulsions now are that I have to clean the bathroom every Sunday. Scrub it down! At the moment we are living with my sister. Even though she cleans the house I feel that I still need to clean the house. So every Monday I spend all day until 9 pm at night scrubbing the home down. On Thursday I have rituals I have to again clean the room, wash the sheets, paint my toes and fingers, bath the dog. Cleaning the bathroom is a big thing if anyone outside of my family uses it i have to scrub the toilet down I also so have a fear of becoming sick in the middle of the night and that no one will know. I have to do all of these rituals again that day, or I feel dirty and un alive. I take very long showers thinking that i am dirty. I wash myself twice and then in between both of these showers i wash the bathroom down with Lysol. I wish that I could live a normal life instead of a life of fear. Fear of germs, sickness, death, and loneliness. I have for years try to get help, although at the moment I don't have money to see a behavior therapist. I would do anything to live a normal life.

This is my story, the story of Riley.

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