Blogs
Over the last couple of weeks, I've been working on a new character trait -- being more assertive. Low self-esteem often makes me feel like being assertive is a bad thing. It can feel like I'm outright mean when that's not the case.
When I struggle with disordered eating behavior, specifically binge eating disorder (BED), I am usually fixated on thinking about the future. Fear and worry dominate whenever I try to control my food intake or comfort myself with food. The fear of the unknown triggers my binge eating disorder symptoms.
I recently went through a challenging period and didn't realize the seriousness of the events on my mental health until I physically reacted to my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms. It's not uncommon that my body knows something is up before I do.
Not long ago, my therapist asked me to think about my anxiety triggers. I thought about the multiple triggers that lead me to feel anxious, and I realized that one of them is illness, whether it is my own or that of someone I care about.
Like almost everybody else on earth, I seek out like-minded people to interact with. Sometimes, I find like-minded people by accident. Sometimes, I encounter people afflicted by adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and we share our ADHD experiences.
Many days I suffer from what feels like an endless urge to cry. I wake up, and the first thing I may have is an urge to cry. I make coffee -- same thing. I sit down to work, and the urge is still here. You'll note that, at this point, nothing has happened in my day to cause this; I simply have an undeniable urge to cry.
If you have a past riddled with verbal abuse like me, you may know how difficult it is to find happiness in your life. Prolonged abuse may have changed how you perceive the world and the actions of those around you. You may be hesitant when someone is nice to you or feel unworthy of love and affection. However, everyone deserves a life of happiness, and it is possible.
Feeling guilty about self-harm scars isn't uncommon—but it isn't necessary, either. Accepting your scars takes time, but it's an important part of healing.
I can't stop insulting myself. I'm depressed, and that's one of the things that I do when I'm depressed. The insults I say at myself are unbelievably harsh and things I would never say to anyone else. But even though I know that it's the depression, and even though I know that it's negative and harmful, I just can't stop insulting myself.
I've never considered myself a perfectionist. My handwriting is messy, and my closet is cluttered. I can't cook or draw. I sing off-key, and I can't visualize. As a flawed human being, I accept imperfection. Why, then, does my anxiety spike, and I feel as though I am to blame when things go wrong or when I perceive myself as having disappointed others?
my instagram is @chikinntenders or you can email me @ carolinelijia@gmail.com
Just know that you're not alone, and just because you feel like you should be happy doesn't mean you necessarily are. Sending love <3
Thank you for reading and leaving that comment. I wrote this piece because I know what it's like to beat yourself for not being able to do what the world says we should be able to. I want us all to stop doing that.
I'm honored to help where I can.
-- Natasha Tracy