Depression Kills A Person's Spirit

I have suffered from Major Depression since the 1980's - although my parents would deny that. I'll go weeks feeling so sad and sometimes so empty. It's like being alone in a crowd of people that you don't fit in with.

When I'm home, I just curl up on the couch. Not interested in eating, don't really care what's on TV. Sometimes I prefer to have the lights off and will just sit in the dark. Most of the time I have trouble falling and staying asleep, and then, all day I'm exhausted. I just can't get the energy to do much of anything at work. Once I leave work and get home, I just don't want to do anything. I feel so sleepy and tired, but the scene just repeats every night - hours to fall asleep, waking all hours of the night, then exhaustion all day.

Daily Effects of Living with Major Depression

I always see my production number worsen when I have a episode of depression. The numbers are done monthly, and you can always tell when I am suffering just by looking at my yearly stats. It is so obvious. I start seeing myself as being worthless, I start isolating from my friends and family. I start telling my friends that they're better off without me because I'm wasting air and space. The usual stuff for a depressed person.

Then, the suicidal ideation comes on. I think I know just about everything there is to know about depression and suicide since I do TONS of research on it as I fall into that abyss. I have several websites I have saved about ways to commit suicide and what happens if you don't succeed. I save those stories to squelch the urge to kill myself.

Self-Harm Instead of Suicide

So, what did I find to do instead of kill myself? I cut (self-injure). When I find a place that I can get away with by using a usual excuse such as the cat, the fence, whatever. That's what I do. And it usually works, but it's not something I recommend. I fear I'm loosing my mind sometimes and start wondering if I'll just completely crack someday. Each episode seems worse than the last. And two a year is normal for me. Sometimes it's more, never less.

I've always known I've needed treatment for depression. And a few times I've gone. But it only lasts as long as it takes to turn down the severity. And I never take antidepressants. I just have this thing about adding more drugs to my system that I need to live a semi-normal life. The therapy is useless because I don't go long enough to accomplish anything. Of course this doesn't do anything in the long run. And essentially, I am beginning to never go back for depression treatment.

I have decided that I will live with what I have, push through the depression and the exhaustion until it decreases and things get easier. I cut, feel a bit better, still very depressed but without that suicidal edge. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But, I've decided to be one of those that no longer tries psychology, psychiatry, or pharmacology to get through the depression. I'm tired of those things, know that I won't stick with them, and go it alone. I tell nobody about how I feel or what I'm going through. The reason? I don't want to bring others down. And that is just who I am.

Julia

Ed. note: This is a personal depression story and reflects this one individual's experience with depression and depression treatment. As always, we urge you to check with your doctor before making any changes in your treatment.

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