Dialogue With God On Money

I started keeping a journal in the spring of 1995. By the summer of 1997 I was recording my thoughts and feelings on the different events in my life almost every day. At one point in my journal I began having a dialogue with God.

"Is it okay to make a lot of money?"

I would state something about my life and how I felt about it and then questions, with a very different tone than my own, started coming into my mind. I would write down the questions and try to answer them.

In my journals, God asks lots of questions, questions that forced me to go deeper into my own judgments, attitudes, fears, beliefs and assumptions. These dialogues have helped me dig down to the beliefs that sponsor my thoughts and behaviors.

Through these many dialogues I've been able to tap into the core beliefs that cause my pain and unwanted behaviors. When I see the belief, I'm then free to change my mind about it. This greater awareness of my sponsoring thoughts has allowed me to change and create who I want to be with ease.

Unfortunately, what I can't convey in the printed word is the attitude and tone behind these questions. You can not hear the love, the acceptance and innocent curiosity behind the questions themselves. I hear it and it's probably the main reason I can easily address the questions without becoming defensive or feeling interrogated.

Most of the questions I've been asked by the people in my life in regards to personal issues have not sounded like questions at all, but more like judgments. Questions like, "you sure you should do that?" and "why in the world do you feel that way?" have sounded like accusations to which I become defensive. I have never felt this way with God's questions.

God's questions are so different. The attitude behind the questions is very distinctive. That's probably the hardest thing to articulate. She's so loving, accepting, non-judgmental AND non-directive with her questions. I get the definite impression I'm not being led to some preconceived conclusion but that the answers could end up anywhere. Perhaps the best way to explain it is by giving an example.

[What's bothering you Jennifer?]

I don't think I'll ever be able to make a great living doing what I want.

[What do you want to do?]

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I love art. I love designing. I love personal and spiritual growth work. Through my mandala experience I've found a way to combine these passions but I'm never going to make much money at it.

[Why do you believe that?]

Because no one ever makes much money in these types of human service endeavors.

[What do you mean?]

I mean the world doesn't value the work enough to pay much money for it.

[Do you believe that?]

Yes. The only people who make the big bucks are the ones who own their own business or are in sales. No one in human services like personal or spiritual growth work is rich.

[Why do you believe that?]

I guess cause I don't know of many who have done it. Well, there are a few people. Anthony Robbins, and probably quite a few others who have done well. And there's my friend Kaitryn who's doing well giving workshops and such. So I guess it's possible to make a decent living doing this type of work.

[Do you think it's possible for you to make a decent living doing the work you love?]

Maybe, but I don't think I could handle what some people would think of me. They'd question my motives.

[What do you mean?]

I mean the minute someone writes a great personal growth book and starts making money from it, everyone attacks them by saying "oh, she's only in it for the money or to sell books." I don't want people to think that about me!

[How would you feel if someone thought that of you?]

I'd hate it and I'd do my damnedest to try and change their minds. I wouldn't want them to think that!

[Why not?]

Because it wouldn't be true! I'd be creating the materials cause I love to do it. I've been exploring this spiritual stuff for so long. What's wrong with becoming wealthy by sharing what I've come to know?

[You tell me. What's wrong with becoming wealthy sharing what you know?]

I'd kinda feel guilty making a lot of money from it.

[Why?]

I would be getting my cake and eating it too. The question that keeps coming to mind is, Why me? Why do I deserve such abundance? There are so many people out there who are living desperate lives filled with confusion, pain and struggle. Why do I get to do what I love AND have material abundance to boot? Why me? What makes me so special?

[Do you think you are special?]

I go back and forth on that one. Sometimes the answer is yes. But then my ego kicks in and starts feeling superior. I don't want to feel that way because I begin to feel separate from others. Then there are other times I don't feel special at all. I'm just muddling through like the rest. I guess at the heart of it all I think we are ALL special in unique ways. Everyone has the ability to do what they love and make a comfortable living at it.

But here's where I stumble, not everyone WILL do that. If I go ahead and create wealth doing what I love, others will think I'm somehow special or better than them. They won't realize that they too have the same option!

[How would you feel if others thought you were special or better than them?]

It would bother me.

[Why?]

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Because it's not true. Everyone has the ability and choice to do what they love and make a living from it.

[Do you believe that?]

Absolutely.

[So if everyone could make a living doing what they love, why would it bother you if others believed you were special or better than them, because you went ahead and did it?]

I don't know.

[Can you take a guess?]

I think I would feel like I had failed them in some way. I didn't say the right words. I wasn't convincing enough. I didn't communicate well enough for them to understand their own power to do what I have done. Somehow it would be my fault they didn't understand the choices available to them.

[Do you believe that?]

I'm not sure. In the past I've read tons of books on self-esteem and they talked about how special, unique, and worthy I was of love. I didn't believe them. I wanted to believe them, but couldn't. I just didn't think it was true! It didn't matter what others said about me. If I didn't believe it in my heart of hearts, their words held little meaning to me. It wasn't until I looked to myself for answers that my life began to change.

I can't make people realize their own power and ability. It's going to come down to a personal decision made by them, just like it was for me.

[How do you feel about that?]

I still wish I could make them see, but I'm okay with it. I will do my best to communicate what I know and encourage people to find their own answers.

[So are you now ready to make the big bucks doing what you love?]

Oh god.

[Why the groan?]

I don't know. "Big bucks" sounds so dirty. Like I'm a money grubbing capitalist pig.

[What's wrong with being a money grubbing capitalist pig?]

Don't you know that's a bad thing to be?!?

[What does "money grubbing capitalist pig" mean?]

It means someone who makes a lot of money. More than others think they should make at the detriment of someone else.

[How would you feel making a lot of money?]

It would feel great! It's the rest of the world I'm worried about.

[What do you mean?]

As I said earlier, there are going to be people who question my motives. They're going to think I'm only in it for the money. They're going to think I'm a shyster and a fraud.

[How would you feel if others thought you were a shyster and a fraud?]

It would drive me crazy.

[Why?]

Because.what if it was true?

[What do you mean?]

What if part of my intention WAS to make a lot of money? Wouldn't that mean I was exactly what they were calling me, a shyster and a fraud?

[What exactly is a shyster and a fraud?]

Someone who's primary reason for doing what they do is to take other people's money by taking advantage of them. Somehow tricking them out of their money.

[Would you be taking advantage of others and tricking them our of their money?]

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To be honest, I'm not even sure how one tricks another, unless there is some kind of dishonesty or deceit involved. And I wouldn't be doing that. There's just so much suspicion around people who make a lot of money. What if I DID make a lot of money, wouldn't that make what I'm offering less valuable somehow?

[What do you think?]

I guess not. If people find value in it, what's wrong with me making money from it? I can't see anything wrong with receiving value for value. Still...I wouldn't want to make more money than my work was worth.

[How does one determine the value of their work?]

I don't know.

[Try pretending that you do know.]

I guess I would have to be really clear on what I thought about the value. I would have to look at what I'm offering and figure out what it would be worth to me. Do I think it's good? Has it been valuable to me in my life? Would I be willing to pay for it?

[How valuable has your work been to you in your life?]

Immeasurable! Priceless!

[Interesting choice of words.]

Well it's true! I would pay a hell of a lot of money for what I have come to know. As a matter of fact I have. I've paid quite a bit over the years in programs. I can't begin to total how much I've spent on books alone. By priceless I mean, a LOT of money. So I would pay a lot for what I have come to know. It's worth it to me.

[How would you feel if others felt similarly to you and were willing to pay money for what you have come to know?]

It seems I shouldn't charge people for it.

[Why not?]

Because the value of this work goes beyond money. Money is so superficial. God's work is beyond money. The two don't compute. They're almost a contradiction. One has nothing to do with the other.

[Do you believe that?]

Absolutely.

[Why do you believe that?]

It's hard for me to put into words. There are so many negative connotations with money. Spiritual work is nothing but good stuff.

[What negative connotations do you associate with money?]

I don't know if I can be specific. It's a general feeling that money is somehow bad. I've watched so many TV shows and news programs where people have hurt others all because of money. People lie, steal, cheat and even kill for it. But then, they've done the same thing for their religion and their God. I don't know, I'm getting confused.

[What are you confused about?]

I'm confused on how money is bad. I mean, it's just a piece of paper we assign value to. It has no inherent worth other than what we give it. Hand a hundred dollar bill to some aborigine and he'll probably use it for kindling. It doesn't hold the same meaning to him. Money is just a convenient way of trading value for value. It's considerably easier than the barter system where we were carrying chickens and pigs around with us. So if it's just paper, why all the negative connotations?

[What negative connotations?]

That people who have a lot of it are bad. Most of the rich people in movies are portrayed as evil, heartless, greedy, shallow, and uncaring people. It kinda perpetuates the idea that being poor is somehow more godly. I think we assume the rich must have done something dishonest to get that much money.

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[Do you believe people who have a lot of money must have done something dishonest to acquire it?]

I'm embarrassed to say, but I think I do.

[Why do you believe that?]

Because so many people who want money don't have it. The rich people MUST be doing something different. Although, I don't know why I assume that particular "something" is dishonesty. You know what? It doesn't mean that. Now that I think about it, many of the wealthy people I know didn't get that way being dishonest or from taking advantage of people. There's a whole list of things they do differently, but dishonesty is not necessarily one of them.

[What are some of the things they do differently?]

Well, to start with they are comfortable making a lot of money. They don't even see it as a lot of money! It's all relative. For another, they are passionate and persistent in what they do. Most of the one's I know seem to like what they do, which makes sense since we tend to do what we love to do. And because we love to do it, we do it more often and consequently get better at it. Which makes us love it all the more. It's a perpetual circle.

It seems like there are as many motives and factors involved as there are people. Some get rich by dishonest means. Some don't. I guess I was generalizing. You know, I could be one of those "good" rich people. I can be a nice, giving, caring, and loving rich person!

[How does that feel?]

It feels great, but it's not going to feel great to everyone. There are still going to be people that view me in a negative light. They're still going to question my motives, think my values are screwed up, and think I shouldn't charge for my work. I wish this wasn't the case. I have to accept this though cause I can't change their minds.

[What do you mean?]

Well, if they're like me, the judgments they make about people with money have nothing to do with that person specifically. It has more to do with their own beliefs about money in general. I can't go into someone's head and rewire their beliefs. All I can do is be true to myself, practice honesty, and do what I think is best. If people make up stories about me, well, then they do! What can you do?

[What can you do?]

Be really, really, REALLY clear with myself about my motives. If I know who I am, maybe people saying bad stuff about me won't bother me. At least that's been my experience with other matters. When I feel secure in who I am, I don't take negative comments personally.

You have helped me so much. I hope you know how much I appreciate you being in my life. I just love the stuffin' out of you.

[And I love the stuffin' right out of you. Works well, doesn't it.]

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